


color the sky

by asheijis



Series: always forever [1]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ash Lynx Lives, Ash Lynx and Okumura Eiji Go to Japan, Attempt at Humor, Canon Rewrite, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Discussions of death, Everyone Needs A Hug, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Not Beta Read, Past Child Abuse, Post-Canon Fix-It, Recovery, Slow Burn, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, Suicidal Thoughts, act. just check the does the dog die page for a mostly full list of tws, as slow as these two dumbasses will let me be, at least until i get past ep 24 then its, cw for the stuff that happens in canon ie, eventually, everyone goes to therapy on and offscreen, here n there yanno, mentions of dino golzine - Freeform, mostly - Freeform, sadly hes plot relevant :(
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 49,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25545064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asheijis/pseuds/asheijis
Summary: Dear Griffin,My therapist suggested that maybe doing something you did could help. I don’t really know if it will and I feel stupid writing a letter to my dead brother. Eiji gave me some fancy stationery that he sent over in a care package, though, so if I’m going to feel stupid I might as well feel it while writing on expensive paper. Maybe if I burn this it’ll get back to you. Maybe you’ll read it as I did yours a long time ago. Would you be proud of me? I’m not sure anymore. A few months ago I would have said no, of course not. Now? It's more complicated. I have all these people in my life telling me that you would, but there's a leering thought that always comes back up, again and again, saying you would hate what I became. I guess if you are proud, show me a sign? Fuck, that sounds so cliche and dumb! Whatever - if you’re reading this, I’m sorry it turned out like this.(canon rewrite ends with ch. 3)
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Series: always forever [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1912024
Comments: 5
Kudos: 41





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi!! this is my first time writing bf fic so if it seems a tiny bit ooc im working on it as i write!! also i will be slow going w updates bc of certain irl issues but i do want to make the next chapter wrap up the canon rewrite part of this fic, so i can get on with writing the post canon bits i wanna write when im able to find the time!! also fair warning i wrote a fair amount of this in a caffeine-induced fervor at 1 am (title from handmade heaven by marina)

“Someone call an ambulance!” was the last thing Ash heard before he blacked out, probably from blood loss. He knew he could’ve called for help before, but he wanted, no, _needed_ to get to the library. He needed to be where he was most comfortable. He needed the letters. He was sorry that he smudged Eiji's handwriting with his blood-stained fingers and tears, but he guessed he couldn't help it. He was going to be able to rest knowing they would find each other again, and this time his filthy, bloodstained soul wouldn't be able to put Eiji in harm's way. They would both be safe. It would be okay. He wondered distantly if this was what a peaceful death was to him - a simple preventable stab wound. He could've gone in his sleep, during bloodshed, even alcohol poisoning. But it was a simple stab that was going to finally bring down the demon of new york. A smile graced his features when the paramedics got there. 

Ash didn’t really know what to think of all that had happened. First, his subordinates kill a man, then he finds out it was orchestrated by Dino, then he has to deal with Dino’s beer-bellied lackeys, mainly Marvin. The only comfort he had from that whole ordeal was a man’s dying words and a jar of powder. He kept it from Skip, of course he did. Skip didn’t need to get involved and risk being hurt because of him. He was already doing more than enough just watching over Griffin while Ash was out. Ash rolled the tiny cylinder in his fingers while he sat on the edge of Griff’s bed, listening to the slow breaths that entered the otherwise silent atmosphere. He needed to get the powder to the doctor. 

His and that boy’s eyes met as he naively asked to hold his gun. Ash felt the tense air around him as he handed it over, amused by the way the boy held it curiously. He went back to chatting amiably at the bar, glancing over to see the boy, Eiji, and Skip laughing over something, smiling despite himself. That was when it all went to shit, a call from Shorter informing him of an ambush from Dino’s lackeys taking the bar by storm. Amidst the gunfire, he saw them practically walk into a mousetrap, trying desperately to get them to turn back, gritting his teeth when they continued. He sighed. They never got a break, did they?

He rode Shorter's motorcycle, aiming well just as Blanca had taught him. He knew doing this would get him captured, but Skip and Eiji deserved better than being with Dino's men alone. Ash knew that much as he was caught roughly. It was Marvin again, his snide remarks leaving Ash sick. They disgusted him, their hands leaving burning red patches of skin. It burnt worse in his mind, like red hot coals pressed into his skin, like cigarette butts using his skin as an ashtray. He glared as they tossed him in with the other two. He checked quickly to make sure they were mostly unharmed. Good. 

It got worse when he saw Eiji jump the fence. Graceful, elegant, but Eiji's face had a hard set determined look. Ash felt he was looking at someone he could've been if circumstances were different. He also felt he was looking at someone he wanted to protect from his life. He flew. 

The second the shot rang out and in a blur Skip was in front of him, Ash knew. He couldn't let Eiji die the same. As he yelled for Skip, shooting out at Marvin, he _knew_. After all that, seeing Marvin, slumped over, dead, was only a slight condolence from the universe. He’d deserved it. It was only when the police put him in cuffs did he realize that he hadn't told Eiji not to call the cops. Well, at least the boy was trying. 

That interrogator disgusted him. Most pigs do, but it was a pathetic trick he pulled, playing the tapes that Marvin had filmed. The man being dead was a relief. His voice coming from the tape grated on Ash's nerves. He didn’t give a shit about that lowlife leech. If someone else hadn’t killed him before he’d been offed, he would’ve. If he admitted they would still get him on intent. It didn't matter anyway. As long as they quit playing those _fucking tapes_ . He glared at him as his younger self cried, hoping the pig got the point. This was a fucking dirty play, and the two investigator’s horrified faces behind him said that much. As he was escorted out of the room he spat at him, heart swelling with pride as the man recoiled. _Fuck you_. 

He was back in jail. Back with old men ogling over him as if any of them are worthy of his time. They called out to him, laughing cruelly when he fought back. He walked through the building, leaving a trail of jeering men behind him. His cellmate, Max, didn't seem to care for him in that way and he was grateful for a moment. He actually started trying to keep the boy safe, contrary to what Ash thought he would do. He almost acted as an older brother would. Like Griff would have, if he were coherent enough. When he revealed Griffin was his brother, Max fell into a daze for a few days. Ash understood, but he couldn't forget that he was the one to shoot Griffin and leave him in that dingy hospital to die. No matter if he was under the influence of this “banana fish” whatever the fuck it was, he shouldn’t have _left him there_. 

When Max brought him to the infirmary after those three men he let have their way left, he still felt a strong protective essence to Max. Like he was trying to repent. He tried to process the familiar but old feeling of being protected for, cared for, as he pocketed the pill capsule. That night, as he wrote the message to Eiji, he glanced over at the sleeping man’s screwed up face. Must be a bad dream. 

When Eiji showed, he was overjoyed. Not just because his plan was in effect, but because he was glad the boy was okay, unharmed. As he kissed him to give him the pill capsule, he wished he could kiss the boy while not under prying eyes. Without the pretenses of needing to deliver secret messages. Without the demons that crawled Ash’s life. Just the boy and his unending well of hope, and Ash, safe.

Ash couldn't breathe. Griffin was dead. He was _dead_ . He wouldn't be able to find a cure for him. He wouldn't be able to punch Griffin for leaving him defenseless, then crumble into him, the almost unfamiliar feeling of being protected setting deep into his bones. Griffin would never know of the few friends he had, and he’d never know of their stupid, childish movie nights. The last memory Griffin had of Ash was when he was seven, clutching a pillow and waving goodbye from the porch, wiping sleep from his eyes. Griffin would never know how hard he worked, how much time and money he spent desperately trying to undo whatever happened, and keep his brother alive. Max looked shaken, close to tears. He had been the one to shoot. Ash needed to cry but he couldn't cry, it was _so fucking hard_ for him to let himself cry anymore. He couldn't cry so he needed to get angry. He needed to punch a wall and yell and maybe give himself some new bruises, he didn't know how else to deal with it. So he raised his fist and punched. 

The next time he saw the boy, he was jumping in the driver’s seat and putting his foot to the gas. Somehow, the fact that Ash just had a gun to his senior's head escaped Eiji. That confusion continued as Eiji worked with him and Shorter to plot a hit against Dino. During that time he also learned that Skip had been taken to a safe apartment and was recovering, albeit slowly. He couldn’t help but be relieved. But then, Eiji turned out to be unbelievably stubborn about it, pouting and all. Ash tried, oh he tried, telling him he couldn't for his safety, but Shorter assured him he would be there to keep Eiji safe while Ash couldn't. Shorter always kept his word, and with a half-smile Ash agreed. Eiji would ride shotgun with Shorter to drive towards Club Cod, and Ash would shoot that fucking bastard. 

Something went awry. It wasn't necessarily that they weren't expecting Dino’s reinforcements and guards, it was honestly a bit underwhelming for Ash. Arthur dealing with Golzine wasn't a part of the plan. Max and Ibe saving them? Also not planned but damn were they lucky. Max knocking him out cold because he was being cocky and walking off? Expected. Now they were planning on going to _fucking_ Cape Cod of all places, to root through Griffin's shit to try figuring out what banana fish is. Griffin's dead. He was sitting on the rooftop, alone, and Griff was _dead_. It wasn't enough for Dino to take away his childhood, his sense of self, his voice, he had to take Griffin too. Ash distantly felt his shoulders hitch, his vision blurry. This was all his fault. 

During the drive, Max was irritating in the way that your older siblings' friends are usually irritating. He grinned, jokingly messed with him, and got weirdly serious, then immediately went back to teasing. It gave Ash whiplash and he just wanted out of the truck. A small part of him may have been comforted by the start of a familiar, kind presence in his life, but he pushed it down. They were almost at Cape Cod. He needed all the courage he could muster, and going soft right now would be hell. He couldn't be vulnerable in front of his dad. 

His dad just had to go and call him a whore, huh? Ash could feel someone watching him as he shifted uncomfortably. He probably didn't even care that Griff was dead, the lousy sack of shit. They stared off, the air tense. Jennifer, Jim’s new wife, was the only one trying to get him to calm down. Ash wished she had a better husband, a better life than dealing with him. Max was causing a ruckus, threatening Jim, telling him what a poor excuse of a father he was. Ash couldn’t muster up the energy to deal with any of it as he heard his father place the house keys on a table. He pocketed them quickly, ushering everyone out, followed by Jennifer. She came out to them, sneaking some warm food out to Ash and the rest as they made their way back to the house he and Griff had shared. As she apologized for his behavior, Ash distantly felt… shame? That she had to experience that side of her husband, because of Ash’s appearance. He smiled and nodded, trying to look sorry as his guts twisted.

The familiar old smell of wood and dust filled his senses. Being there after years and years was, to put it lightly, disconcerting as all hell. As he turned a corner he expected Griff to be at the counter, mixing eggs to make an omelet. Being near his old bedroom made his muscles tense, everything in him screaming to _run_ . Seeing Griff’s old writing desk, a layer of dust on it, sent shivers down his spine. As they were rooting through Griffin’s drawers he found a picture of him as a child, in his baseball uniform, with Griffin. The picture sent a cold chill arcing across his skin and left a knot in his stomach. Despite the discovery of who exactly killed his brother, and where he lived, Ash was restless. He couldn't breathe in that house, it was _suffocating_. He used any excuse to get out, going to fetch blankets with Eiji. 

So he decided to do target practice. It was fine. He was getting the pent up energy out. He imagined the jars as if it was Dino, Marvin, _everyone else_ , and took the shots. Eiji showed up, concern, and curiosity mingling across his features. Ash swallowed down the fear that he might ask about his dad, please don't ask, _please_. He only wanted target practice as well. Ash sighed, the tension in his shoulders lessening as he handed the gun over to Eiji. He may have been giving him practice but Ash swore then and there that he would never leave Eiji defenseless enough to be forced to use it. 

Jennifer did NOTHING. It was all his fault again. He brought them there. He was their supposed next in line to be head after all. Of course, they would pursue, he just hadn't thought it would be this soon. He hadn't thought Jim or Jennifer would protect him, sacrificing themselves. He hadn't thought of Jim, his shitty _dad_ , to tell them how to cover their tracks. Now of all times, he decides to be kind adjacent to Ash. Now? When he should've been all those years ago, when that _fucking_ coach took advantage of an innocent child? When that child was forced to kill in self-defense and while the community he was in ostracized him, his poor excuse for a father only tried sending him off to his sister? Now that everything’s snowballed and gotten monumentally worse, that scumbag decides now is the time to be a reliable father figure? Ash tried focusing on the road. He couldn't. He listened to Eiji’s comforting rambles about something or other in Japan and focused on his steady voice. Warm. Stable. Light. 

They were in LA, that was obvious. Palm trees, boardwalks, convertibles. Of course, Max decided to stop by his ex-wife's house, Ash, Eiji, and Shorter attempting to keep his son company while Max and Jessica hashed out some shit. The kid was nice, snarky, and irritated due to his parents' antics at the dinner table, announcing he was going to bed with a sigh. Ash glanced over at him before deciding to up the drama at the table by calling Jessica old. Max stared at him with a grief-stricken expression, Ibe in a similar state as he asked for the Mustard. Needless to say, it was a good pause between what was going on and what lay ahead. Afterward was when Max told them it was because it was Michael’s birthday. Ash kind of wished he’d have gotten the kid a present, just to give him a smile. 

Upon finding the actual place a mess, keeping the old man’s son safe, and just generally everything, Ash wasn't that optimistic. Especially considering he didn’t buy the kid’s story. But he was forced to eat his own words, the files on the PC proving to be very informative. So apparently, Banana Fish was a drug? Of some sort? All they could figure out at that time was that it had ties to military involvement, highlighted by the fact that Griffin was used as a test subject for the drug, along with a fair amount of other soldiers. It left a bitter taste in Ash’s mouth. There was, of course, the matter of Max telling Ash what he already knew. He knew it was too much for him to take on, _blatantly_. What else was he supposed to do? Rot, haunted by the knowledge of this drug that ruined his brother’s life and had ties to the man that abused him since he was a kid? He figured he had no choice. If it wasn’t him, who could do it? 

Then there was the visa problem. Eiji and Ibe’s visas were only for work and were only allotted a week or so for them to stick around. Ash had to tell Eiji, try to convince him to go home. It was safer that way, Ash _knew_ . However, the thought of telling Eiji to leave made his skin crawl. Ash told him, _he told him_ that he was a burden for what they were all going through, but when Eiji agreed with him, he couldn’t let Eiji badmouth himself. He wasn’t as much of a burden as he had made it sound, he’d done so much for Ash and the rest of them, expecting nothing in return. He needed to know that. But he still didn’t belong in Ash’s world. He didn’t belong where you had to have a hideout and a gun to stay safe, where sometimes it really was kill or be killed. When Eiji asked for time to think it over, he gave it to him because it was the least he could do to repay him.

Jessica was in trouble. Inadvertently because of him. Again. He and Max shared a panicked, but set look, as the phone call ended. Time was precious, any wasted moments could spell her death and they both knew it all too well. Ash went to Shorter, informing him of his suspicions, trusting him to keep Eiji and Ibe from harm. Something was definitely wrong, but Ash couldn’t put a finger on it. When he saw the police lights outside Jessica’s house, he _knew_ something bad was coming. He took Michael into the front yard, leaving Jessica and Max to talk. Ash asked about what happened, and when Michael broke into tears he felt a pang of guilt, sinking into his skin. He tried comforting Michael, letting the kid cry into his shoulder. 

It was the kid. Yau-si or whatever his real name was. Whatever they had put Jessica through was just to get Ash and Max away from Eiji and Ibe. They found the latter on the floor, collapsed, and a chill went down Ash’s spine. Ibe got enough ability back to tell them Eiji was back in New York, and Shorter was with him. He must’ve been blackmailed, that was all Ash could reason, considering him and Eiji had been getting along well. Shorter wouldn’t have done anything like this if he wasn’t threatened. The Lee clan was guilty. But, there was someone in the house. Alexis Dawson. 

The man gave Ibe an antidote so he could move again, but Ash couldn’t keep from interrogating this newcomer. The old man just sat there, wasting time, a poor look on his face as Eiji and Shorter were off, probably in Dino’s clutches again. The man finally relented, taking them back to the room with the PC before revealing his hidden research room. Apparently, he and Abraham and another had created Banana Fish while in college, trying to get money from making drugs. It always gives the user a bad trip, which seems inert if you don’t take into account that it's particularly easy to use drug hypnosis on whoever uses it. At the very least Alexis had tried to dispose of it, knowing they’d fucked up but Abraham had decided to use POWs and his fellow soldiers as lab rats for his gain. Ash couldn’t take it. Griffin had suffered all those years with apparently neverending nightmares, all because of stupid college kids trying to get money. Griff _died_ because of this shit. And this man had the _nerve_ to say he was a scientist and that’s why he didn’t destroy Banana Fish when he confiscated it from his brother. Max threw the first punch, Ibe catching the man, then immediately punching him as well. Of course, Ibe and the old man immediately collapsed, and under any other circumstances, Ash would’ve laughed. Then, the same people who attacked Jessica came around and Ash couldn’t spare another moment to think about anything other than getting Eiji and Shorter away from Golzine. 

On the plane ride over, Ash felt how tense both Ibe and Max were. Max kept gritting his teeth at the guards who made comments now and again about the three of them, more often than not specifically Ash. It had been a long time since he had been referred to so demeaningly, “little lynx” sending a chill down his spine. Ibe, on the other hand, was just darting his eyes around, tapping his fingers nervously as they hit some turbulence. It was bittersweet to get shoved into the car, a welcome difference from being on a plane surrounded by Dino’s men, but dread filling their senses as they knew they were headed to his estate. Ash hoped it would be the last time he’d ever see it. 

The outfit Dino had picked out for him - and practically held at gunpoint to wear - was stiff and reeked of the same musty detergent he always ordered. It reminded Ash of times he often wished he could forget, blanched white linens and an extra pair of clothes tucked into the bathroom, the smell engulfing his small, shaking frame. He shook his head, focusing on the dull pain in his earlobe, where the heavy jade stone weighed on his conscience. He sighed, allowing the men to lead him to the dining room. A quick cursory glance told him all he needed to know, Eiji and Shorter weren’t here. The one who sold them out to Dino was there, as well as Arthur, who sat at the long table with a snide grin. Ash knew better than to eat the food, years of being on the premises drilling that into his brain. The wine was fine, there seemed to be nothing added to it, so Ash drank. Maybe he could excuse choking out Dino on the alcohol. For that to be viable he knew he would have had to drink way more than one glass, but despite his outward appearances, he was grasping at straws. Every time that _man_ called him beautiful he had to fight back a wave of bile rising in his throat. He knew it was only an amount of time before Max got to the end of his patience, the man seething at Golzine. It was a welcome distraction to be dragged away at gunpoint, even if he had an unnerving feeling about where they were going. 

Of course, it was the execution room. And naturally, it was Ash strung up in the air. Max and Ibe were chained to a support beam, Max still pissed from earlier and Ibe trying to get him to calm down so the guards wouldn’t perceive him as a threat and shoot. Arthur stood in front of him, brandishing his butterfly knife, slicing off his bowtie and nicking his throat in the process. Ash didn’t give him the satisfaction of seeing him in pain, and really, it wasn’t that bad. Then Abraham appeared, along with a bunch of people in lab coats and Ash felt the uneasy pit in his stomach grow bigger somehow. Though when Abraham tried excusing using Griffin as a lab rat because he “had no choice”, Ash couldn’t hold his tongue. And Shorter walks in.

Something was wrong. Ash tried soothing the suspicions in his mind as well as Shorter at the same time, Shorter’s distressed look on his face setting red flags off. It wasn’t Shorter’s usual demeanor, especially with his shaky voice, so different from his normal confident snark. Then Eiji came in, captured but alive, dragged in by two guards. At this, however, Shorter started panicking, backing away from Eiji, holding his head in what looked like pain. Ash had a shock of chilling realization - Banana Fish. And Abraham smiled while confirming it, the sick bastard. 

The second Arthur held up Eiji’s head and tossed a pocket knife to Shorter, Ash was sure his heart stopped. Eiji didn’t even pick up the obvious pity knife tossed to him, _of course,_ he didn’t. He tried desperately to get Shorter to snap out of it as Shorter stumbled over to him, knife glinting menacingly in the low lighting. After the first slash with the knife left a gash in Eiji's arm, Ash yelled for Arthur to go ahead and kill him. He couldn’t stand to see what was going on while he was chained up, helpless to protect his best friends from what was preying on Shorter’s mind. Another slash to his chest had Max yelling out. Abrahams words were quick to sink any last vestiges of hope Ash had. Even if Shorter got out of this situation he’d be stuck in a world of nightmares, catatonic just like Griffin had been. Of course, Ash still tried to believe there could be some way of reversing the effects of Banana Fish. Eiji finally picked up the butterfly knife, pleading with Shorter again to just _recognize his friend_ . Ibe and Max were yelling up a storm from their pillar, while Ash heard a snippet of Golzine’s conversation. He couldn’t bring himself to be angry just yet as more blood dripped from the slices in Eiji’s skin. He was supposed to protect him. _They_ were supposed to protect him. 

Somehow, Shorter paused at Ash’s frantic yell of his name. Ash followed his stare to the engraving on the wall. It was an angel. Of course it was another fucking angel. Shorter came to Ash, still obviously in distress but _knowing his name_ . The harsh whispers he spoke to Ash of how it _hurt_ , how he wanted Ash to _set him free_ , sent Ash’s heart to the gutter. It was the same tone of voice he used to talk in when sneaking food from Chang Dai while Nadia was in the back, but so _wrong_. He fell back into the clutches of Banana Fish, however, lunging at Eiji again as Arthur approached Ash with a gun. One bullet. He laid it on the ground at Ash’s feet. As Ash’s chains were loosened and he reached for the gun he wished he had the privilege to use it for himself instead. He trained his sights on Shorter, raising the knife ready to stab Eiji. His Final words, “Set me free.” ringing in Ash’s head. 

The shot rang out. Everything was painfully silent. Then Shorter fell on Eiji, who started desperately trying to get a response from him, yelling his name, hoping for something, _anything_ . Ash let the gun fall out of his shaking hands. These were the hands of a killer. He killed his best friend. Shorter was dead. He was limp as he was lifted back into place by the shackles on his wrists. He didn’t even respond as Arthur was instigating him. But when they started carting off Shorter’s body, Ash couldn’t keep from yelling out. Who knew what they would do with his body, but anything that happened in Dino’s estate wasn’t even slightly fit for taking care of Shorter’s body. He deserved better than that _abhorrent_ place. And as the metal doors shut in place, Ash cried.

Eiji was soon dragged out as well, yelling for Ash the entire time. Ash couldn’t even lift his head. He was so exhausted. He didn’t need to know Eiji was going to be forced down the same road he was. He didn’t need those images in his head of Eiji screaming for help, and nobody answering, not caring about him or his needs as a person. It made him sick. He felt the images fill his thoughts, torturing him for being so helpless, for being so tired, for not being able to have kept Eiji safe from Golzine and his crimes. He wanted to be killed. If they could kill him - if _he_ could kill him - Ash thought he would be satisfied and let Eiji go. Of course, Arthur dashed those hopes, crushing them underfoot as he pressed his knife to Ash’s skin, the cold metal forcing feeling back into him when all his senses were dulling. Every time he would drift off into that familiar place where he could pretend nothing was happening to him, the cold sharp slit of a knife on his skin would bring him back, and Ash was sure it would be a long while until he was able to rest. 

The next time he was roused after Arthur had finally quit slicing him up, claiming he had gotten bored, he was stolen out of a dream about Griffin leaving? No, it was Eiji? Whoever it was had left and he was woken up to see Yut-Lung. He couldn’t have cared less about what the boy said, the so-called medicine he put on his wounds after Ash had told him in _no_ uncertain terms, _not_ to touch him, numbing the irritated skin quickly. He was the person who tipped Shorter and Eiji over to Golzine. It didn’t matter what he said about how Ash was strong only against attacks to himself but was weak when it came to his loved ones. It didn’t matter that he was right. And when Yut-Lung slipped the key to his shackles into his waistband he didn’t back down from telling him just how much he was going to regret ever showing him mercy. Yut-lung just stood, expecting it, and shutting the door with a promise to meet again. 

Ash swung, the chains creaking with every move he made until he was able to get on the rafters. Max looked at him like he was insane as he pulled out the key, promising an explanation he didn’t have time to give. The second he undid their chains, he ran to the armory, using the key he knew Golzine never fucking changed. Once Max and Ash were well equipped to deal with the guards on the estate, and their paths had been decided, (Ash to find and rescue Eiji, and Max and Ibe to escape) he set a bomb he had found for five minutes. When Max split up with him, taking Ibe with a final “Don’t die.”, Ash aimed. 

Ash went through the house, testing doorknobs and dodging every bullet he could. He made a quick pit stop to kill the man who broke into Jessica’s house, tying up loose ends and bringing Max’s wish to fruition. He ran around the wing frantically, until he heard banging and a soft cry that sounded like Eiji. He stormed off in the direction, yelling Eiji’s name while inwardly begging for him to be unharmed. He found the door, instructing Eiji to get under the bed as he busted the door down. The sight of Eiji, bleeding from earlier but otherwise unharmed, was a relief in and of itself. It didn’t matter that they were still on Golzine’s estate, that backup was coming, Eiji was as safe as he could be at that moment and Ash relished in it. Eiji’s worries about his wounds were heartwarming but he couldn’t stop to treat them yet. And deep down he had been afraid that if anyone treated them aside from Eiji, he would’ve panicked. But Eiji bringing up Shorter was too much. He knew he had to somehow figure out how to steal his body back. Eiji talked about him like he could be alive, and that was wrong he was dead, Ash’s blood-stained fingers pulling the trigger that ended him. He was dead and they couldn’t think he was alive. It was just going to get them killed. It didn’t mean that he wasn’t wrong about how they couldn’t leave Shorter's body for the vultures. 

Eiji wanted a gun. Ash understood why, to protect himself in this horrid situation, of course he would want a gun. But Ash faltered. He couldn’t give Eiji a gun, he couldn’t give Eiji the perfect way to be plagued with crimes he wouldn’t have on his hands if he had never been involved with Ash. One murderer was more than enough. Ash was going to protect him as long as it took. He just needed to keep Eiji with him. Even later, when he asked Eiji if he scared him and Eiji said he would _never_ , Ash couldn’t fathom it. He was a _murderer_ , and Eiji knew, but he wasn’t scared, _never_ could be scared of him. 

His gang was here, apparently helped in by what was Shorter’s gang. Ash saw Eiji tense at his name from the corner of his eye, steeling his face to look at Alex. He told them his plan, mainly involving removing Golzine’s guard’s ways of escaping. He was going to take the car Golzine had gotten him for his sixteenth birthday, hoping if the estate burning down wasn’t enough of a message, that that would be too. He had to go back in for Shorter. Eiji agreed, surprisingly not pushing to go with him. He had a hard set look in his eyes though, accompanied by his words, “If I ever lose you too, I’ll go crazy.” further cementing how serious he was about Ash being safe. Those words weren’t for the faint of heart, Ash knew, and he entrusted Alex with Eiji’s safety. As he ran down the halls, Eiji’s mention of waiting forever for him replayed in his mind, and he hoped he would be able to come back to settle in Eiji’s waiting arms. 

When Ash finally got to the lab, Abraham was still, shivering slightly and pleading with him, talking about some “Chinese woman” who had immobilized him. It was probably just Yut-Lung, a final reminder of what he expected when they met again. Then he turned his eyes to the operating table and bile rose quickly in his throat. Shorter’s body. He hadn’t been quick enough. It was enough to make his skin crawl and burn like it did whenever Golzine laid a finger on him. He fell to his knees shaking. How could they? How could they mangle him post mortem like that? Shorter didn’t deserve what they had done to him, loose locks of his purple hair that Ash had teased him for just a few months ago when he dyed it, just lying limp on the cold sterile floor. Abraham tried excusing it, he tried but Ash couldn’t get the image of last night when he was manically explaining how they injected Shorter and how they planned on using him to kill Eiji out of his head. This was just a desperate attempt at making up for what you’ve done, only when you’re faced with death staring you right in the face, with a gun to your forehead. Ash couldn’t bring himself to feel bad for the man as he pulled the trigger once again, tears streaming down his face. 

Once he was alone, he allowed himself to cry, to scream, to yell at anyone, _anything_ , for allowing this to happen. His knees hit the cold unforgiving tile with a thud, shoulders hitching forward as he curled towards the ground, like a _child_. It took a few minutes to get it all out of his system, more than once having to swallow back the rising lump in his throat. Once he had finished, face red and eyes sore, he turned to his vest, ignoring Shorter on the table until the burn in his throat simmered down. He faced his best friend. He started pouring. He struck the matchbox. 

He stayed to ensure he burned. No one could mangle his remains if all he was were ashes. He wished he could’ve returned Shorter to Nadia, let her figure out where to bury him, but he would’ve been dug up within a day for these creeps to do experiments on. He needed the security of being burned. Turning to ash. Unable to be used as just some data. He was never just data, he was _Shorter_ , and Ash couldn’t let him be used like that. The kid storming in asking questions about if he killed him didn’t help either. He wasn’t gonna hurt a kid if he could help it, and eventually, the kid ran, the rest of the room catching ablaze. Hopefully, it would burn all the information they’d taken from Shorter with it. He picked up Shorter’s sunglasses, wiping off some fingerprints. He stuck them in his back pocket, feeling the heat rise to his face. Just another minute and he’ll get to his car and leave. 

When Ash got back to the gang’s usual place, it was morning. He was running on pure adrenaline as he ran through a list of things he needed with Alex. Just two hours, that was all he needed for now. And inevitably, when those two hours were up, Eiji shook him awake, pulling him groggily out of bed. Now he had no fucking clue _why_ he thought two hours would be enough, but he had to make do now, heading to the bathroom to finally clean off. While he cleaned off, the dried blood staining the water pink, his thoughts drifted to last night. He shot Shorter. Then he burned Shorter’s body. His skin bristled, feeling as though it was still covered in grime and filth. Though he knew that feeling would never fade, no matter how hard he scrubbed and cleaned. Eiji knocked, gently, listening for Ash’s okay before walking in, a bottle of soap in his hands. As he laid it on the ground next to the tub, Ash couldn’t help but wonder if he was going to ask, or if it would turn into something never to be spoken of. In a moment, be it impulse or what, he broke the paper-thin spell. He explained, in a way, what he had done to keep Shorter’s body protected. Eiji quickly thanked him and left. Ash was left alone to ponder if Eiji was thankful or not, if he secretly abhorred Ash for what he had done. The only response he got back to his silent thoughts were the sounds of the rest of his gang from the next room, and a repeating drip of a loose tap. 

Once he was done, he stepped back out into the main room, all of the other members waiting with bated breath. Eiji stuck out like a sore thumb, the only one in the room who wasn’t the slightest bit intimidated. He quickly sat, going over who was under Arthur’s command and who wasn’t with Alex. It seemed to be a majority of the small-time gangs who just immediately bowed the second Ash was indisposed. That, they could handle, as long as they kept their guards up. Arthur was going to be _pissed_ the second he found out Ash escaped, desperate to get him back so he could continue his good footing with Golzine. And naturally, that would extend to Ash’s gang, so they needed to maintain their security. With a final warning, Ash sent them off to recover information, the lot of them quickly leaving. With the last click of the door setting in place, Eiji and Ash were alone. 

Alex had decided to team up with Bones to pool money and get Eiji some Japanese takeout, thinking it would comfort him. He was indeed glad, mainly focusing on the tofu. They started talking, Ash figuring that they knew little about each other. Apparently, Eiji had a kid sister? And his parents were both still back in Japan as well. He just… didn’t know much about Eiji, did he? Somehow he ended up telling Eiji about the infamous jack-o-lantern story from when he was a kid, before he could really realize what he was saying. Eiji paused, both of them practically holding their breath, before Eiji started laughing. His laugh was bright, loud, and unabashed. Ash could only fake pout at how he was laughing at his fear, really not insulted at all, glad that his laugh was able to grace his ears at all. Then he heard a noise. 

He told Eiji to get behind the bed. He needed him to stay safe, he couldn’t die. He took aim at the door, watching with a close eye. It was only Fly. Eiji stepped back out as soon as Ash told him it was clear, a puzzled look on his face. He didn’t like dealing with The Fly while Eiji was here, looking over his shoulder at the firearms he had brought. He fiddled with his new gun, the familiar barrel clicking into place. When he tossed the jade earring over, he was glad to be rid of it finally. 

Later, when Eiji brought him tea, he did joke a bit much, accidentally putting himself way out of his comfort zone. He was used to Shorter’s constant adamant declarations of how he’s not gay, but Eiji just - saying he’d want to see was too much apparently. He could understand why, obviously, but he wished he could just have normal interactions for once. And when Eiji helped clean Ash’s wounds and he flinched, he wished he wouldn’t always have such severe reactions. But when Eiji started joking around this time around, he was relieved to find himself almost instinctively joining in with him, a grin painting his face in a new light. 

Shorter. Blood. Hands. Knives. Gunshots. Metal. Cold. Screaming. Eiji. Ash bolted awake, breathing hard, knuckles white in the sheets. His eyes shot to Eiji’s bed, a relieved sigh leaving his body as he saw him, curled up and breathing. Now he had to do something about the cold sweat sticking to his skin. As he washed his face with the cold water, he avoided his eyes in the mirror, he couldn’t stand to look at himself right now. And that’s where he found Eiji, staring from behind him. 

There was something about him that made Ash want to confide in him. Normally, he would never, the terror in admitting what had happened, making it real, being too great. In the lowlight however, with Eiji kneeling beside him, he felt he could say anything and it would dissipate into the night. Once Ash started talking, Eiji would cut in intermittently, telling him that it was okay, that he should stop beating himself up. Ash couldn’t understand it. He was a _murderer_ . He killed a man when he was eight, and when he was raped by that man he _couldn’t_ cry, had nothing, couldn’t yell or scream for help. And when he shot him, he _cried_ . He had felt nothing as the man had hit the floor, his blood seeping into the old creaky floorboards. He felt nothing every time he shot, every time he stabbed, he felt _nothing_ . He was _numb_ , and he _killed_ Shorter, the familiar pull of the trigger bringing forth that same empty feeling as it had many times before. Just how much blood was on his hands was immeasurable, he could never figure out how many times he thoughtlessly let someone drop dead, as he looked on, numbed to it. His hands shook, loose tears falling, collecting in his palms as he trembled. 

Eiji’s words comforted him, his hand on his shoulder warm and calming, instead of the usual callous and violent Ash was used to receiving. He started going on about how Ash could obviously feel if he was this upset, about how he was just _hurt_ , about how he _saved_ him and that _meant something_ . He even understood that Ash wasn’t fully able to grasp what he was saying, not believing it. Eiji would always be by Ash’s side. Ash stared, wondering if he meant that. It could’ve been just something to get Ash to stop crying. He tried joking, wiping it off his shoulder but he couldn’t. _Even if the world turns on you, I’ll stay by your side._ How was Ash supposed to respond to that? He fell forward into Eiji’s lap, comforted by the hand that immediately came to cradle his neck. He wanted that. He wanted to believe in a world where they could stay together, side by side. Even if he knew it was a childish wish, unrealistic, he wanted. He asked. And he heard the smile in Eiji’s voice as he replied sleepily. _Forever._

When he woke up, Eiji was still asleep on his lap, apparently having changed positions while they slept. The boy slept soundly, thankfully, as Ash had to scoot him over to get up and stretch. His soft snores were the only accompaniment to Ash as he stepped lightly around the apartment, sorting some stranded files as he went. He decided to sit and watch the sunrise, unraveling a bit from last night’s honesty hour. It still felt a bit fresh, and Ash wasn’t ready to face the outcome of his late-night breakdown just yet. It made him feel too vulnerable for him to stand just then, so he watched some pigeons fly to nearby rooftops as the sun arced in between the skyscrapers on the skyline. 

When Eiji finally woke up, Ash was in the middle of logging into Golzine’s GOOSE account. The boy’s concerns about his reckless actions were valid, yes, but Ash was preoccupied with the ordeal of figuring out how exactly to wire the money he needed into a singular account without it being flagged as suspicious. He supposed Eiji had a point, somehow. He did tend to get a bit of tunnel vision when he needed to get something done, rushing into danger with little thought. He did need to work on that, but in a fair amount of these situations, he’d been forced to do things without thinking. Ash tried jokingly responding, hoping that the gentle jab of being called big brother would push Eiji away from the topic. He did get a pout on his face, puffing out his chest in indignation, and he thought distantly that he looked quite endearing. 

Next on the agenda that day was to meet up with his “father” at a local restaurant. Max sat across from him at the table, wearing a hideous fake mustache and a businessman’s attire. He had an unimpressed look on his face at Ash, who was sitting across from him, talking with the waiter about how nice it was that his father took time out of his _busy_ workday to have lunch with him. When they started actually talking, and the possibility of Eiji leaving to be with Ibe and Max came up, Ash found himself recoiling. Why would Eiji need to go with them? He was better off where Ash could watch out and protect him. So, Ash deflected, talking about the actual reason he wanted Max to be here - to sign off on a condo on 59th Ave. As much as Ash did, he was still 17, and couldn’t _legally_ buy a place to live. Insert his _father_ , Max. Or at least his father, “ _Eddie Winston_ ”. Then they got to the meat of it - how Ash was paying. 

Of course he would steal Golzine’s money! It was ill-gotten anyway so Ash figured what was the real problem. It wasn’t like Golzine wouldn’t be able to make it up, and the plan was to inconvenience him and get him in trouble with the other corrupt people in charge in GOOSE. A whole ninety million dollars transferred from their illegal funds, straight to Ash. And since he knew Golzine’s passcode and ID to get into GOOSE’s several banks from the spyware he planted a long time ago in his computer, he used his ID to wire it all out. So Golzine was in trouble with the foundation and would subsequently be out of commission for some time, doing damage control. As a final note, he tipped Max off about the candidate assassination having been committed due to Banana Fish interference. 

They entered the condo, Max’s eyes bugging as he saw the price, but it was only eight million. They still had savings anyway. Ash went to go sit in a side room while Max talked with the real estate agent. He stared out the window at the next building that he knew was owned by the Corsican Foundation. When he told Max he flipped, like normal. He was a bit overprotective even when he knew that Ash knew full well the risks. It irritated Ash but, it couldn’t be helped. Even though they were mostly just covering as father and son for legal reasons, Max did feel like a stable father figure, and he guessed that just made him naturally protective. Ash couldn’t reason with that, so he stepped out of the building, quickly followed by Max. Now it was time to do some cleanup work. 

After an - eventful - night, Ash figured he needed to once again reassess the matter of Eiji. No doubt after Eiji found out that he was going out and taking care of loose cannons, he would think he's a monster. He would be disgusted to be in his presence. He would loathe him. And Eiji needed to go back to his family, back to Japan, safe and sound, without people like Golzine trailing him. As much as Ash hated the idea of letting him go, he needed to do it before Eiji was killed just for being around Ash. He needed to rip the bandaid off for both of them. So he called up Max, chatting with Ibe about the two plane tickets to Japan he’d bought that set off in ten days. He said his goodbyes, musing about the photos of Eiji that he’d never seen aloud. And when Ibe apologized, he couldn’t help asking why. Why would Ibe want to apologize to a murderer?

His meeting with Golzine went about as well as he’d thought. The old man was shaken, acting all high and mighty like normal to cover his ass. He still managed to nauseate Ash, his skin prickling at the mention of a taxidermist. He couldn’t wait for Golzine to drop dead already. 

He hoped Eiji wouldn’t ask questions he couldn’t answer. Like why he asked him to take pictures of everyone who goes into the cover building for Golzine. And he couldn’t tell him about the murders he was carrying out across Manhattan. He couldn’t get the words out of his mouth even if he tried. Eiji knew something was up though, that much was obvious. He was blatantly concerned, trying to minimize Ash’s suspicions, though he knew very well. Ash felt like they were reaching some end and he was terrified. 

He had to go check on Cain Blood, of course he did. He and his gang were the main ones in control of Harlem, and unlike his fellow members, Ash knew Cain would never team up with Arthur. Upon meeting with him in a neon-lit bar, they both observed the other. After a brief standoff, wherein Ash had his pistol trained to Cain’s forehead. It was just insurance, to keep the rest of Cain’s gang in check, to keep from going home with a gunshot wound. Cain understood though, just nodding and working with him. They left each other with an agreement, standing on even ground. 

When he got back to the condo, Eiji had made an entire Lunch, filled with stuff he’d make back at home. The natto over rice did make Ash gag, not being able to get over the texture. There was also a dried horse mackerel, and while it wasn’t bad, he did opt to just eat a bagel with cream cheese. Eiji sat across from him, giggling about how his face dropped when he ate the natto, eating his own in between bouts of laughter. 

When he slipped out again, later that night, the gun in his pocket felt heavier than normal. When he shot another person who went over to Arthur the second Ash was out of state, all he felt was the same cold emptiness that plagued his life. He didn’t blink even as they begged to take them back, that they won’t betray him again. It was too dangerous. He couldn’t trust any of them. _It was just tying up loose threads_ , that’s what he tried telling himself every time he’d look down at his hands in wonder. They were drenched in blood. He had done it. He was a monster. 

He shucked off his jacket when he got to his and Eiji’s room. The empty barrel of his gun was heavier than it had ever been. Eiji took notice of the blood on his shirt. He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep this fantasy going on forever. Eiji knew and he would hate him, _loathe_ him. And he found himself wishing the make-believe act of everything being okay with Eiji could go on longer, even though just this morning he’d told Ibe that it was a done deal. He wasn’t ready. He bit his cheek, waiting for the inevitable. And when Eiji brought up how he knew he wasn’t acting right, he couldn’t keep from asking if he really knew. Eiji said he knew he wasn’t acting like the Ash he knew but he was still a murderer and Ash couldn't understand how he could still blindly overlook that. Then, when Eiji brought up how the only person gifted enough to commit the murders was him, he may have let some things slip. He never wanted to be gifted in killing. He never wished for this life he was made to live in. He never wanted any gift! And the final straw came when Eiji brought up Skip and Shorter. Fuck Eiji. What did he know? He was just a photographer's assistant from Japan, he’d never had to deal with any of this before he met Ash! He felt the telltale heat of tears building up, quickly grabbing his coat and leaving. He was tired. So, so tired. 

He went to the old hangout to sleep. He couldn’t think in the condo. The dusty place felt off, dull. He tried sorting through how he felt, but all he could come up with was a bundle of knotted conflicts. He let a few tears fall, letting the sobs eventually wrack his body. The only thing he was sure of was that Eiji wasn’t wrong, and he wished he could let himself be with him again. He was acting out, taking preventative measures instead of his usual laid back approach to protection. He could take a few guesses at why - Shorter’s death, Eiji’s safety, Griffin’s death. They were all affected by his laid back attitude toward safety. It was probably just that he panicked. Eiji was right but he couldn’t say anything. He curled inward, trying not to give himself a headache as he fell asleep. 

He went to the library. The soft shuffle of college students, tourists, and others alike accompanied him as he sat in his usual spot, chewing on the end of a pen. He sat, reading lazily for a few hours. Then, he felt something was off. A glance at the doorway confirmed his suspicions - Eiji had come after him after all. When he walked up, Ash tried his best to seem unapproachable, but nothing got past Eiji. At times he thinks he might be more stubborn than Ash. After a bit of shushing from the others in the library, Ash led him outside. He figured they were going to have to talk. 

When they got to one of the piers, going out to look over the skyline, Ash braced himself for the conversation. As Eiji cleared the air he found it surprisingly easy to admit he had only been so dismissive during the fight because Eiji had been right. He decided then and there to keep his morals and codes from before Shorter died, and continue upholding them. They kept chatting, eventually landing on Ash bringing up the topic of death. It wasn’t necessarily something he was scared of. When he was younger, he’d think it was a much better option than continuing in the situations he was in. It reminded him of that story about the leopard that climbed Kilimanjaro and froze. Eiji looked at him with a worried furrow in his brow as he recounted the tale. He tried dissuading him from being alarmed, though somehow it turned into Eiji trying to comfort Ash, reminding him that he wasn’t like that leopard. Ash wasn’t so sure he got what he was saying but he couldn’t blame him for trying. 

Ash had the meeting with Cain. Now he had an appointment with Arthur. It was a trap, just like Cain suspected. But it was something. And it was a way to end Arthur’s reign. He ran his finger along the sharp edge of the photograph in his pocket, taking the elevator up to Max’s place. Arthur could wait. There was a whole government conspiracy he wanted to crack down on with Max. 

After just a little razzing about Eiji from Max, he left. He thought his summary of what he thought was going on was well thought out. A bit complicated, and based a lot on ifs, but still has a high probability of being true. Granted, just saying “The Mafia’s funding a coup d'etat in the middle east along with the U.S Military, using a hypnosis drug called Banana Fish.” does sound far fetched if you aren’t really in the loop. Max seemed to get the idea pretty quickly, agreeing to look into it and collect evidence. Apart from Ash asking if he would continue researching the case if he died, it seemed to be a normal run in from Ash for Max. He still wondered if he actually would keep his promise to continue if he died tonight. Max was a good man. He probably would. 

One thing Ash didn’t expect was a Halloween party in the condo. He also didn’t expect Eiji to have decorated the place ceiling to floor in jack-o-lanterns. He scrambled away from the energetic boy, yelling that he’ll cry. Bones and Kong watched on, laughing together as Ash and Eiji ran circles around the coffee table. Even though he was jittery and on edge, Ash couldn’t help his smile as Eiji took off the pumpkin head, beaming. 

Once Bones and Kong were asleep in a modge podge of limbs on the sofa, Ash and Eiji settled down in the next room. The topic ended up on girlfriends, Eiji deflecting the question back at Ash. He tried playing it off as a joke, but still ended up talking about the only girl he’d had a crush on. He hated thinking about what happened. He was still so afraid that the same fate would befall Eiji. That’s why Eiji would be leaving for Japan tomorrow. Even as he clamored to reassure Eiji that he could never be a burden, he knew he had to go back home to be safe. And that's how he ended up sneaking out past a sleeping Eiji at three A.M. that night. 

He had relayed the plan earlier to Bones and Kong. Don’t tell Eiji about where Ash really was, and make sure he was boarding the 8:10 flight back to Japan with Ibe. They were understandably upset, having spent some time alongside Eiji, accepting him as a member of the gang without him being an actual member. They both nodded though, reluctantly. Now it was three in the morning and Ash was standing in the subway station, pocket knife open while Sing and Cain watched. Arthur twirled his butterfly knife, lunging forward first. Ash parried easily, and when he turned to look back at him he felt a low rumble in the ground. The train. He yelled for Cain and Sing, hoping they’d get what he was saying. Arthur was back in his vision, so he couldn’t pay enough attention to their discussion as their blades struck. The rumbling got louder and with it came a sinking feeling in Ash’s gut. The trap. He had known Arthur would pull something out of his ass. 

Shots rang out as the train came through. A few of Cain’s men were caught in it, as Ash dove behind a pillar. The train had come to a full stop and Ash heard the footsteps of several people stepping off, the familiar clink of reloading heard loud as day in the subway. They were yelling at him, targeting him because _why wouldn’t they_ ? Their boss’ reputation fell on if he could get Ash back into Golzine’s talons, and if their _boss_ ’ rep was down, what did that make them? Ash heard a yell from the kid, Sing, and looked up just in time to catch his gun, quickly firing off shots at the people who were advancing on him. He heard the telltale hum of the train starting back up and dived into the nearest closing doors. He looked back at the disappearing figures of Cain, Sing, and their men through the paint covered windows. He was here now. Nowhere to go except toward Arthur. 

He made his way, opening each of the train doors carefully, and shooting out at anyone who was in the way. He tried staying quiet, keeping stealth on his side, but they kept coming, forcing him back into a corner again. When he was inevitably ambushed, he rolled, shooting the lights running along the top of the car, plunging everyone into darkness. He knew though, adjusting quickly, taking over the situation handily from Arthur’s forces. The other shoe that he knew was going to drop hung above him, leering but silent. He waited. The train went above ground, light streaming in through the dingy glass. There it is. 

Now he could finally see Arthur, sprinting through the cars away from him. He ran, catching up to him easily, his gun poised to shoot. Arthur even admitted defeat, saying to go ahead and kill him. Ash couldn’t. He’d shot so many people just that night, but he set his gun down. He wanted a fair fight with this pain in the ass. The train pulled to a stop at Coney Island, the both of them filing out onto the tracks, lit by the sunrise. Arthur flung out his butterfly knife again, followed by the click of Ash’s pocket knife. And they swung. 

They were both winded, Ash significantly more so as they fought. He glanced to his shoulder, realizing he’d been hit and hadn’t noticed in the commotion. That was… going to be a problem. They circled each other after Ash kicked Arthur off of him, Arthur’s knife colliding with Ash’s, the metal squealing as they met. And when Ash was up against the fence, Arthur standing in front of it, he heard something from the crowd below. His name. Eiji’s voice. He _couldn’t_ be here, he was supposed to be on a plane, _safe_ , leaving behind Ash and the people who would hurt him. Why was he here? He felt a sharp pain in his abdomen, dodging quickly, but not enough as Arthur charged at him. Fuck. 

His fingers were bloody, pressing into the wound as his chest heaved. The sight of Arthur licking the knife covered in his blood was almost enough to make bile rise in his throat. He stumbled, his left side weighed down with the dull pain. He had to end it. He charged and held his knife aloft. He felt him give way, quickly raising his knife to slit his throat, a spray of blood painting the tracks as he heard Eiji yell from down below. He was a monster. Arthur stumbled back, gasping, hand outstretched. Ash stilled, watching as he tumbled over the edge, falling to the ground with a sickening noise. 

  
With the last of his strength, Ash stood, facing down at the crowd, finding Eiji’s gaze locked with his. He needed to go. He didn’t want him to witness him being like this. A murderer. A monster. Bleeding and still fighting, knife covered in blood that isn’t his. Numb. He yelled down at him, telling him to leave, and he could’ve swore he saw him gasp. Then the police arrived, because of course they would. They surrounded the ones below, a spare thought running through Ash’s head of how he’d put Eiji in danger. _Again_. They yelled the usual spiel, Charlie yelling at Ash to give it up without a fight. It’s not like he had the energy anyway. With the sounds of cops yelling out orders, he fell, passing out on the train tracks, drifting off into unconsciousness. He’d fucked up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a boy goes to the hospital. many things ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hihi !! i know i said the second chapter would finish off the canon rewrite portion of this fic but ,,,, im not even done with that yet and i was already at 12k words ^^' so i decided to split it up in two!! idk when that will be up but hopefully soon!!

Blood. Eiji and Shorter’s cold, unseeing gazes. The heavy knife grasped in Ash’s shaking hands, dripping onto his torn up shoes. Them lying side by side, in front of Ash. He did this. He was a murderer. There was no coming back for him. 

The next time he was aware, there was a low beeping. It was cold, his limbs heavy, weighed down onto the stiff surface he laid on. He couldn’t move, could barely breathe, every breath feeling like an arduous task. He wondered distantly if this was death? The slow agonizing drawl, yet a peaceful, quiet way to wink out of existence. It was like nothing had ever happened. He was just being returned to the cosmos, death slowly and deliberately stripping his soul away, piece by broken piece. He could welcome this as his last moments. He drifted and hoped. 

The beeping was back but this time his eyes shot open. Death hadn’t taken him after all. He allowed himself a moment of respite, feeling how cold his fingers had gotten, slowly gaining sensation in the rest of his body. He was in the hospital. He traced the painfully white ceiling tiles with his eyes, limbs still a bit sluggish as he raised a hand. He was deathly pale, as always, an IV stuck in his arm, blue veins sticking out like sore thumbs against the cloying white of the room. He laid his arm back down, turning his head into the stiff hospital pillow. Maybe if he fell back asleep he could get back to the in-between. 

The doctor had informed him that a couple of cops were going to check up on him. He was required to be awake, to face the still unbelievable fact that he was alive, he had a pulse, he breathed. He voiced that to the cops, a look of pity striking their features before being replaced by a blank frown. He was eighteen now. He’d killed people. He couldn’t hide anymore. It didn’t matter that the people he’d killed were harming others. The law and police force would tear his case limb from limb, frothing at the chance to lock him up for good. It was typical and what Ash had always dealt with. He didn’t need pity anymore. 

Once they’d left, he felt the dull, radiating pain of the stab wound he’d gotten when Eiji’d distracted him. It had been sutured shut, bandages loosely gathered around it in an attempt to keep it stable. He hadn’t gone back to Japan. He wasn’t safe. He’d seen Ash at his worst and Ash hadn’t been able to prevent it. He was shaken out of his thoughts by a group of four pushy nurses, all way too touchy for his comfort. They treated his care as if it were their  _ pleasure _ , and he wanted to sink away, be anywhere but near them. He even told the cops, hoping they’d understand, hoping they’d have some leeway with the nurses. It was a hospital, for fuck’s sake! He didn’t believe they could help, but it felt good to be able to complain freely. 

He couldn’t help but ask Charlie about Eiji. If he’d been here. If he’d seen him. Apparently not, since only lawyers were allowed to see him. It did seem like he avoided the question, but Ash let it slide as the other cop brought in a man wearing glasses, supposedly from the public prosecutor’s office. He handed Ash an intelligence test, outwardly saying it was just for formality’s sake. Ash didn’t quite believe him, but he figured he couldn’t do much in the state he was in. Once he’d started it wasn’t all that hard, coming to an obvious typo in the mathematics section and deciding to play it up, relishing in the confused faces of the men. Mr. Harper decided that was enough to the written test for Ash and moved on to inkblots. God, he was too easy to fuck with. 

Once they’d tested him to their heart’s content they left with a slight goodbye, leaving Ash alone again. It wasn’t necessarily as bad as it could’ve been, and Ash drifted in and out of sleep. Then a nurse stepped into the room. She didn’t bring the strong smell of antiseptics with her as she walked toward his bed. It wasn’t Sally, though it was her shift. She had a needle. Ash asked what was in it, and her sickly sweet smile as she asked why he wanted to know sent a chill through Ash. In an instant, she lunged at him with the needle, Ash only barely able to shift so it stabbed the pillow instead of his neck. He pushed her off, his limbs were tired but able to pull off the familiar motions of being in a fight easily. She stumbled back, Ash only barely able to turn the bed on its side as she pulled out a gun, bullets piercing the wall above his head. He yelled for the guard to not come in, but he did anyway, the girl turning to him, allowing Ash to pin her down. He wanted to know who sent her, who wanted him dead now. But all he got in answer was her biting down and swallowing, her body going stiff as blood started pooling around her open mouth. When Charlie came in, followed by Max, he hoped they would believe him. 

It was nice to talk with Max, his familiar snarky attitude providing a nice signpost amid cops rushing around. As the adrenaline started to fade, Ash realized how painful the wound had become on his left side. It stung, hot as if it was happening all over again. When he stumbled over, feeling all of a sudden very tired, he distantly felt Max catch him. Maybe this was it. Max yelled for someone as his vision went black, blood seeping through his hospital gown. 

Max was there when he woke up too, the old man laughing at his scowl. He listened as Max gave him the run-down, trying to jokingly swipe it all off his shoulder. Max only returned with genuine concern, before continuing to give Ash the news he didn’t yet know about. Golzine was coming back in a week, of course he was. Ash could imagine how he was practically raving at Ash being bedridden, the disgusting old pig he was. He joked lightly, wondering bitterly if he’d found a taxidermist, and Max looked for all he knew like an old man staring at something on his phone. It was almost enough to make Ash laugh. Max was going to write an exposé on Golzine and his secret tax-avoiding GOOSE account. Ash thought it was crazy, no one was going to believe it, but Max reassured him, saying that he hoped he’d get the story out by the time Golzine came back. Before he left, he leaned in, telling him to be careful in a hushed voice, saying he was going to get him out of here. Ash knew he thought it was possible, but he couldn't help thinking the old man really was crazy. For that to happen, the planets would practically have to align on the blue moon. And with a smile Max left, leaving him alone once again to stare and count the ceiling tiles. 

The next time he had visitors, they were two shoddily put together men acting as the FBI. Frankly, it was clear to Ash that they weren’t, but a fake ID and money could’ve gotten the poor excuses anywhere. Their excuse was that he needed to be tested at the National Mental Health Center because of an abnormality on his intelligence test. Yet another part of their thin story that was hastily put together. As they packed him up quickly, discharging him, Ash mourned the fact that Max really had thought he could break him out before someone else got to him. They blindfolded him when he got in the ambulance, further proving what he already knew. They were phonies. The question was who sent them? He counted the turns the ambulance took just in case he’d need it. North. Salty air. Crossing a bridge. New Jersey? The fakes tried making small talk, but he wasn’t invested. He just waited until the truck stopped and he was led out. 

The man who stood before him when the blindfold was taken off introduced himself as Dr. Mannerheim. Ash thought his name seemed laughably evil, the type of name a villain in a comic book would have. He immediately got immense bad vibes from the man in his lab coat. He was led away into a room, the blinding white of the facility giving him a headache. At least he could sit and recuperate. 

That night across New York, without Ash’s knowledge, the news blared. Max and Ibe stared on. Sing and Cain looked on anxiously. Eiji sat up in the dark of the room Yut-Lung had him in, the headline illuminating his face. Gang leader Ash Lynx pronounced dead at 18 at the National Mental Health Center. A window shattered, blood dripping onto the white carpet. Moonlight seeped in. All was still. 

They kept making him do more and more tests, little sensors attached to his skin as he sat in a sterilized chair in a surveying room. He was connected to computers, surveying his brain waves, and vitals the entire time as he answered their questions. It was unbearably boring and he still couldn’t shake the constant feeling that something was terribly wrong. Once the newest round of testing was over he was once again handcuffed and walked down the white halls. Mannerheim had wanted to “show him something” and Ash didn’t like the tone of his voice when he said it. There were security cameras everywhere and no windows to be found. He faked a fall, hearing the dull noise of his knees hitting the floor mutely. Soundproofed floors. He distantly remembered Griffin being delicate about sound, but he shrugged it off, thinking that couldn’t possibly be it. Then they met Adam, who spoke in monotones and whose eyes had a thousand-yard stare that could rival Griffin’s. He walked off, Mannerheim telling Ash that he had raped and killed three nuns. What the fuck was going on in this facility? 

Once Mannerheim led him into the room filled with sterilized and jarred brains, Ash’s gut fell through the floor. They were being treated with a certain drug Mannerheim had said. Banana Fish. They were using criminals no one would miss as human guinea pigs. A simple faked death and they could do whatever they wanted, the police falling for their shabby FBI cover and leaving them to do their grotesque experiments. Mannerheim claimed that he was able to remove the violent side effects of B1, what they called Banana Fish down here in this hell hole. When Mannerheim said that his friend helped them with removing them, Ash stood stock still. The brains. Shorter. That’s what they’d done. He hadn’t been able to keep them from tainting his remains, using him for their selfish goals. He couldn’t help himself from yelling til his voice grew hoarse, all he could see when he closed his eyes was Shorter’s mangled corpse, and knowing they caused that and still used his brain to further themselves made Ash sick. He felt the distant heavy feeling of his gut-twisting and pulling as the guards pinned him down as he thrashed around. If he was a monster, what did that make these people? 

He was forced to his feet, struggling and pissed off, practically dragged to the next location Mannerheim wanted him to see. It was the last standing Dawson. They’d given him a dose of B1 and he had the same thousand-yard stare as everyone else had. He had suffered another defect of B1, his intelligence compromised. Mannerheim however, apparently thought that issue needed to be worked out, so they could effectively control scientists. Which was, you know, pretty fucked up. Then Mannerheim set his steely, empty gaze on Ash. The two guards grabbed him, Ash feeling the sharp jab of a needle entering his arm. The room started going black as he fell, falling into the in-between once again, but this time kicking and screaming while being dragged out of consciousness forcefully. 

The next time he awoke Golzine was there, and Ash couldn’t help the jolt of fear that raced through him. He couldn’t speak, could barely move, everything was so numb and this was the nightmare scenario, and he couldn’t get away though every part of his body screamed to flee. He kept talking, saying how Ash was pathetic, worthless now that he had no spine. Golzine had his hand around Ash’s throat and he could only squabble his numb fingers to clutch helplessly at them as he glared at Golzine. He finally let him go, coughs wracking his frame as he fell limp on the ground, only able to look up as Golzine promised he would never escape him, and left. Ash collapsed, the adrenaline fading with every minute that passed since he’d left. He slowly regained the feeling in his fingers, creeping up his arm until he could finally lift himself back onto the bed. He sat, staring at the door, waiting for the different numbness to overtake him. Eventually, it did. 

He bided the rest of his time observing the people who came in and out of his room, delivering meals and what-not. He kept asking when the operation would be and no one answered him with anything conclusive until finally, an employee told him that it wasn’t tomorrow definitely, because of press tours of the facility. The man may have said not to get any ideas but Ash was full of them and ready to get out of this cursed place. The man stated the place had the latest security system and Ash could not  _ wait _ to see how “state of the art” it was. When he fell asleep that night, he could barely pretend he wasn’t planning around the guards’ schedules. 

Getting the keycard was easy, laughably so. He just had to make one of the guards come down to his room and let him take his guard down, so he could swipe his shit. Granted, it was tiring pulling off the act he did, but it worked. The man fell for it and he now lay on the floor, dead. Ash had his keycard and gun now. Breaking out would be a piece of cake if all the guards were as gullible as that guy. It turned out he was right, even as guards scrambled around him, yelling out about him breaking out, they never paid enough attention to notice him creeping into offices for supplies. He was able to log in easily, just using the ID he’d swiped.  _ Latest security system my ass _ , he thought as he accessed the floor plans, looking over them and nodding, quickly committing the least likely path of resistance to memory. He was late on the shot of getting out of sight before someone saw him, but he quickly dispatched him with the stolen gun, alarms starting to blare. It could be worse. 

The alarm abruptly stopped, but the guards continued rushing around like a flock of confused chickens, and Ash watched them run past before heading back to where the old man Dawson was. He needed living proof of the human experimentation going on down here. And Dawson was the ticket. He grabbed his wrist, pulling him along out of the room. At this point, things just needed to go smoothly, and they’d be home free. Until some lady shouted out that she found the loose patient, it was fine. Then Ash had to lug the old man along with him into finding a good hiding spot, which was a feat just short of a miracle with how surprisingly heavy the man was. Looking at him, you’d figure he was like a feather with how skin and bones he was, but he sure as hell could drag his feet. Then the security shutters started coming down, the loud grinding noise not helping anything. Ash thought fast, sliding Dawson under the shutter, quickly following and just barely making it past before the shutter came to a halt, the sound of a heavy lock clicking in place sending small tremors through the floor. Ash breathed out a long sigh. This wasn’t  _ that bad _ . 

He hucked the old man up on his back, recoiling at Dawson’s tight grip on his scrubs. Seriously, what were they feeding him here? How was he so heavy when he looked a step away from death’s door? Ash grunted, sighing through his teeth as he got into the elevator, only just barely hearing a guard’s walkie talkie turn on. For fuck’s sake. The elevator stopped a floor above where they got in, and ash pulled out one of the pairs of scissors he’d nabbed, prying the doors open. Shutters were locked down on both sides. Nowhere to go but up. He situated Dawson into a spot below the vent, stepping on him with a quick apology that fell on deaf ears. The scissors worked well enough to unscrew the vent cover, now there was the ordeal of getting him and Dawson up onto the top of the elevator. Just when he thought the coast was clear, after he’d gotten them both up, he saw someone stepping into the elevator. They just weren’t going to leave, huh. The elevator shuddered to a start, Ash looking down in disbelief. It was fine. This was fine. 

It most certainly wasn’t fine when the elevator first paused, a good albeit brief break in the unsteady rocking that came with it lifting. Second, the elevator very quickly started back up, without warning. And finally third, the elevator abruptly stopped, an alarm blaring, and the thing listing dangerously. Naturally, Dawson was close to the edge and Ash had to practically leap to catch him before he fell to his death. It was okay for a few moments. Then the  _ fucking _ elevator started moving,  _ again _ , and this time Dawson scrambled, catching ahold of Ash’s ankle and causing Ash to fall, only holding up the both of them by his grip on the top of the elevator. Ash was convinced God was up on their throne,  _ laughing  _ at him. The elevator finally, blissfully came to a stop and Ash wasn’t religious in any way but he prayed it stayed that way. The strain that came with an old man’s full weight on his ankle was taxing at best and he struggled to reach down and pull up his hands, making sure they had a tight grip on the elevator and Ash pulled himself up. He reached back down, pulling Dawson up and then collapsing. He guessed this was the worst of it. The escape would get better from here on out. He hoped. 

They had to get off that elevator. It was one hundred percent definitely cursed at this point. So when Ash saw a guard isolated in the elevator, he figured he just needed to get it over with, dropping down. Once he was dealt with via a swift kick to the head, Ash ran through his options based on the floor they were on. There was an opening to the main trash chute on this floor, not that far from the elevators. That would have to be their ticket out. Albeit, a stinky ticket, but it was something. Once they got there, Ash looked in. A long way down, just to drop into some trash. Wonderful. They were only down by a couple floors, Dawson clutching tightly to Ash when he heard another one of the trash doors open. One of the guards was falling. Dawson didn’t listen to him when he said to duck and was paid for it in full when the old man nearly choked him to death. They all fell in a heap on the trash waiting down at the bottom. It stunk to high heavens and Ash felt disgusting. He’d definitely need to take a shower after this. At least they were almost in the clear. 

Once he opened the hatch to outside he breathed in the fresh air, sighing in relief. Now as long as he could get an ambulance, he’d get out. That’s when he heard yelling. There Max and Ibe were sandwiched in between two guards, being walked into the building at gunpoint. What the fuck. Why were they here? What on Earth were they doing being held at gunpoint? Why was it always the ancient men fucking up his day? He couldn’t risk going back to help them out, he had to get out himself. They got themselves in that mess, they could get themselves out. They could die for all he cared, go to hell and come back and haunt his ass to tell him what it was like! He couldn’t do it. He found himself turning around anyway. 

He followed a guard to the room they were being kept in, knocking him out and quickly stepping and shutting the door. This was fine. They’d come to save him. It was  _ fine _ . It’s not like he’d already made his way almost fully out of the complex without their direct help. No, no, they’d thought he would need help, of course they did, they were just being nice, but they were oh, so naive. Max, of course, had to say something about the stench wafting off his scrubs from the trash bin. Ash couldn’t help yelling out that they were assholes. Max and Ibe looked at each other, panicked, before max scooped him up, a hand covering his mouth to prevent further outbursts that were sure to come as they sprinted out the door. Ash knew it was probably what was for the best, but the temptation to bite Max’s hand until he was let go lingered in his mind. He did end up getting let go, only to pull out the gun he’d smuggled and shoot two guards. He took the lead from there, wincing when he saw two more guards ahead where the service elevator was. They stepped into a closet, not paying attention. Then they noticed the couple fucking on the floor. That couldn’t be comfortable, no matter how you think about it. Ash wished he didn’t have to deal with any of this shit. 

One stupid idea from Max later, and Ash, him and Ibe moved outside in their disguises. Ibe was simply hiding beneath a trolley, Max wearing the Doctor’s discarded outfit and Ash got the short stick, Barbara’s bra cutting into his back. They made their way to the elevator uninterrupted, but some employee ran in at the last second. He was pushy, and obviously would violate some workplace rules on a normal day. He wouldn’t stop obsessing over Ash, acting as if he was god’s gift to women. Clearly, if the hand on Ash’s ass wasn’t an obvious tell, he wasn’t. Ash knocked him out, Max teasing him for it, and the pen Ash threw knocked the glasses off his face. He hated old men. 

Speaking of old men, he had Max drive the ambulance around to the back of the North Ward, where he’d left Dawson. He quickly picked him up, packing him under the sheet with Ibe as he gave Max the low down of what the facility was  _ really _ for. Max somehow didn’t seem all that shaken, just nodding after the brief shock left his features, getting back in the driver's seat. Time to get out of this god-forsaken facility. They managed to get past the security, Ash exchanging a quick greeting with the guard to assuage his concerns. Then they were simply on the open road til Manhattan. Once Ash got the ill-fitting bra off he decided to ask Ibe about Eiji. He frowned upon hearing the news. Eiji was missing? What had happened while he was held captive? He was so, so tired. Max told him to go ahead and rest in the passenger's seat, that it would take a while. He was right of course. It was just a matter of if Ash could stay still while not knowing if Eiji was safe or not. 

He sprung up, gun in his hand, trigger finger at the ready. His eyes focussed. It was just Max, still driving. He said a quick apology, turning away from him. The tension was palpable. They were by Central Park, on their way to a house out in Long Island to hide Dawson, Max relayed off quickly. Ash knew they thought he was coming with. He had to find Eiji. The address was fine enough to wrangle from Max, but Max had a knowing look on his face. He knew he was going to find him. He thought he needed more rest, to at least wait until sunrise. Ash knew all this, he knew in how his bones ached, in how his eyes burned, and how his limbs felt heavy, feeling like he was lugging a cinder block or two with every movement he made. It wasn’t wise to go out like this. He  _ knew _ , but he couldn’t just stand by and lick his wounds while Eiji was MIA. He didn’t know if he’d been caught up by one of Dino’s lackeys if he’d been kidnapped by Yut-lung, he  _ didn’t know  _ and it was so utterly wrong to not know, and he couldn’t just rest at that moment. Max didn’t put up much of a fight, agreeing as much as “I won’t stop you.”, which wasn’t the worst response. He just needed his clothes. He couldn’t really go across New York in just his boxers, now could he? 

Once he’d taken Max’s clothes, complaining just enough to get on his nerves, he stepped outside into the crisp night air. Nothing ever slept here, that was certain as he looked out to the people traversing the sidewalks. Max and Ibe looked at him, Max voicing his concerns for if he knew where he was. He had a sure guess. He knows every nook and cranny of the busy city, why wouldn’t he have a hunch? The only unknown factor here was if Eiji had lucked out or not. Hopefully, he had, because Ash didn’t think he had enough energy for another gunfight in him. 

He went to Cain, knowing the man would be awake even at these hours, stepping down and rapping his knuckles against the door to the bar he owned. Cain greeted him without that much flair, a simple hello, and congratulations on being alive sufficing for now. Ash cocked his head at that. Why wouldn’t he be alive? Cain led him over to the bar, gesturing for him to sit as he explained. The center had aired out yet another story of one of their “patients” dying, so they could perform their underhand experiments, but it had been him this time. Imagining Eiji seeing that chilled Ash to the bones. Cain said he hadn’t believed it, of course, stating that he thought Ash was too stubborn to let himself be killed that easily. He thought the sentiment was nice, of course, but he had other things on his mind, namely where Eiji ended up after the cops took everyone into custody. Cain nodded, taking a sip of his drink before explaining that Eiji had been taken out along with Sing, and he’d seen them together since then a few times down at Sing’s place. Ash thanked him briskly and left, the sun rising just as he took the last step off the staircase. Now he just had to make it over there. 

When he got there, they were discussing his “death”, overhearing Eiji and SIng both deny the claims vehemently, even Kong and Alex falling for it. He decided to go ahead inside, shocking everyone. Mostly everyone at least, as he saw Eiji puff his cheeks like he does when Ash does something annoying. Sing started rattling off, going on and on and eventually landing on Shorter and Ash couldn’t do it. Not today. He still hadn’t gotten proper rest yet, and he couldn’t let Sing blab all over town about why Shorter died. He grabbed up the boy, going up to the roof to talk about respecting the dead and the livings’ boundaries. 

He hated it. He hated how his hands shook. He slapped the boy and he hated every second of it, the sharp pricks left in his fingers burning loud. He couldn’t let it get out, he knew, the last minutes of Shorter’s life wasn’t for everyone to know. It was too much for everyone to know how helpless Ash had been against this mind-control drug, and someone could find out, use it against him, use it against other  _ innocent _ people who had done nothing wrong. Eiji quickly followed them up, yelling at Ash that Sing had just been trying to  _ help _ . Ash hated arguing with Eiji, it always brought hot pinpricks to his eyes, so he turned away, staring at the concrete they stood on. He hadn’t asked for help from a fourteen-year-old. He would just end up in harm's way if he got caught up in it. Sing said his final piece, finally twisting the knife into Ash’s subconscious.  _ To them, you’re just the bad guy who killed Shorter. For me too.  _ Wasn’t that what he was anyway? 

Eiji stood, watching the boy leave, sighing and turning to Ash. He looked disappointed and he wanted to do anything to keep Eiji from looking at him like that ever again. He scolded him, albeit lightly with simple words, yet he felt them burn hot, twisting his stomach to knots.  _ It hurts not to be told the truth. I know how he feels, so I told him.  _ Was it the news story? Was that the source of Eiji’s averted gaze and deep-set frown? Ash felt a pang of guilt drip heavy in him, he wished he could’ve prevented it, kept Eiji from hurting the way he had. Eiji thought he didn’t trust him. He did, painfully so, he was just so preoccupied with attempting to keep him safe, he must not have noticed. Eiji started to reply, cutting himself off and sighing halfway through. Why was he saying to stop fighting? Was this a fight? Had this been a fight? Eiji stepped up to meet him, holding his arms out and hugging him, gently enough that Ash could easily move away if he wanted or needed to. How long had it been since he was earnestly embraced, given the space to be comfortable? How long had it been since he’d returned the favor? The clumsy, slow raise of his arms to clutch gently at Eiji’s shirt was painful, his limbs settling into place from a distant memory. The gentle grasp of his shirt turned quickly into a sharp one, tucking his head into the crook of Eiji’s neck, the familiar smell that was so uniquely  _ him _ comforting Ash’s racing mind. They stood there for who knows how long, the sounds of the city surrounding them as the sun beat down on them, a chilly breeze kicking up. 

The rest of the day passed by unceremoniously, Ash mainly just wandering from person to person, assuring them he was alive and they didn’t have to ambush anything. Sing’s gang started clearing out a bit after noon, Sing having given Ash a cold shoulder since their argument this morning. Eiji had pulled Sing aside after they’d come back down from the roof, Sing going from pretending Ash wasn’t there to just simply not talking with him, turning his head whenever he saw Ash looking at him. He was just trying to apologize for fuck’s sake! And this grumpy stubborn fourteen-year-old just wouldn’t let him, sticking his nose up and scrunching his face when Ash spoke within earshot of him. He had hung out with Eiji for a bit before he’d left (taking a good chunk of his gang with him), eating some salad Eiji had made and laughing along with the boy. He felt a weak pang of something unpleasant watching them get along without him, chalking it up to nerves and wanting to finally be left alone in the condo. It wasn’t anything more. 

He’d been forced by his gang and (mostly) Eiji to sleep after they found out he hadn’t rested properly. It wasn't the most unpleasant thing, the familiar sounds of the members bustling around, Eiji’s barking laughter, Alex’s loud drawn-out sighs, and Bones and Kong’s joking questions surrounding and layering together into a comfortable amalgam. His dreams for once were blissful, his subconscious deciding to give him a break. He woke up finally around sunset, the light streaming in through the windows blinding him for a moment. He got up, soaking in the warmth like a napping cat. Everyone had mostly settled, the rambunctious energy from earlier now buzzing gently in the atmosphere, a light afterthought instead of the attention it had demanded earlier. Eiji walked up, watching the sunset with him, saying how glad he was that he was safe. Ash breathed in the soft doughy atmosphere, exhaling heavily. He had to tell him he should stay by his side again. He’d tried so hard to convince himself that Eiji going back to Japan was the best course of action for both of them, but he couldn’t help the immense panic the thought of Eiji being across the world, unguarded, brought him. Eiji immediately jumped up, excited, and Ash tried to smooth it over, to hide the blush dusting his cheeks at the earnest reaction. Eiji said nothing though, and Ash’s face burned as he continued just gazing at him. Eiji leaned in, voice teasing and light and Ash couldn’t deal with it, turning away and trying to change the subject, talking about how hungry he was as Eiji followed him into the kitchen, his light giggling filling the air. 

As much as he would’ve appreciated that energy to stick, it was there fleetingly. He had to ask Eiji about where he’d stayed while Ash had been at the center. He lied at first, and when Ash asked again, his eyes darted as he told only the half-truth. He soon pouted in between bites of food, asking why Ash was being so rude if he already knew the truth. In all honesty, he’d just wanted to get back at him for making Ash blush to the tips of his ears in the other room, but he couldn’t voice that. As he complained about Yut-Lung, Eiji had a faraway look in his eyes. Something else had happened and Eiji was covering it up by offering to get drinks. Eiji knew that he knew. He must’ve known that he would figure it out. Ash was afraid to know.

The next day, Ash took Eiji out to the ferry, recapping for him. They needed to go out and meet with Max and Ibe, figure out what was coming next. Eiji seemed to like the ferry, gazing up at birds that flew above them. Eiji was surprised when Ash called himself a country bumpkin, cocking his head the way he always does. Eiji hummed, likening America’s vast countryside to that of a Stephen King book, full of cornfields and towns that hate outsiders, and Ash couldn’t help but smile at his comparison. It was a fair comparison, one that he’d dealt with both being in the town, and subsequently alienated from it. His mother had been too, though she just wanted a break from the city. The subject change seemed to pique Eiji’s interest, Ash feeling his eyes set on him instead of the birds. He took the opportunity to try salving Ash, assuaging him that it must’ve been hard to leave him behind. Ash couldn’t know for sure. He explained that Aslan meant “dawn” to Eiji, him immediately asking what the J stood for. It was “Jade”, naturally and Ash could hear the smile in Eiji’s voice as he spoke, confidently telling Ash that his mother had put love and attention into his name, hoping for her son’s life to be as wonderful and beautiful as a jade caught in the soft rays of dawn.  _ There was no way she didn’t love you _ . She still wasn’t there for him. 

He felt someone watching him. It was the familiar ache in the middle of his back, sending danger signals throughout his body, making him tense up. He looked around frantically, but no one stuck out and he bristled. Eiji stood next to him, concern washing over and soaking his voice as he asked what was wrong. They couldn’t continue where they were going. They had to turn back. Eiji complained that he always did this, and he knew that he did and it was exhausting to deal with. But he’d rather be safe than sorry, especially around him. They’d have to take the ferry back across, but it was something Ash felt needed to happen. 

He had to call Max, updating him once they got to the steps of the library. Max was surprised, but once Ash explained that he had a bad feeling Max let it go. He told Ash to be careful and he knew that, of course he did. He was always careful, he had to be. He hung up after telling Max the same. Now to get on with research, he sent Eiji off with a list of books he wanted to go through, sitting down at one of the open computers, opening up a bunch of files. The nagging feeling remained, but he ignored it as Eiji came back with the stack of books, complaining about the weight. Ash nagged at him, calling him old and giving him a few bucks to go get hotdogs with. Eiji blew him a raspberry and Ash had a moment to find it endearing before the looming feeling of being watched returned. He quickly grabbed his jacket, hurrying to catch up with Eiji. 

They sat on the steps, eating their respective hotdogs, Eiji whining loudly beside him that the mustard was too strong. Ash took a moment to tease him, only getting a side-eye in response. Something still wasn’t right, but they were losing daylight. The rest of the day would go by quickly, Ash skimming through books upon books while Eiji sat next to him, fiddling around. At one point Eiji asked if he could fiddle with his hair, and Ash paused nodding, looking back to the book he held open on the table. The repetitive movement of his fingers carding through his hair provided a good distraction, Ash almost being able to forget the terrifying feeling of being cornered. He would pause momentarily, ask Ash if he could take a picture of his hair, and promptly do so as he fiddled around. He promised to show him them later. 

Later came and Eiji stayed back at the apartment, Ash going in and out before he could show him the pictures. He’d gushed about it as they’d made their way back, and pouted as Ash left. He had to bring his findings to Max. They met up at a bar downtown, Alex coming with and telling him when Max arrived. Ash had come to the theory that Banana FIsh was extracted from a plant, at least the hallucinogenic features were. He’d spent way too long reading scientific journals for it to be half-baked. Dawson’s neural networks were fucked, but that it was hard to prove it was done by drugs. That would be a hurdle to cross. Max made an offhand comment about strangling Kippard and Ash couldn’t help from saying he could do that. Kippard had been a regular at Golzine’s. He could corner him easily. As long as he looked fifteen, he wouldn’t know what hit him when Ash pulled out a gun and demanded files. 

Max was a bit worried, especially when Ash told him how much not being able to figure out who was following him was messing him up. Even the small conversation they had about it helped a small bit, Ash climbing back out of the bar. It was back. He could’ve sworn he heard heavy footsteps, so he ran, demanding whoever it was to come out already. Then Eiji appeared while he was out of breath, chipper and cheery. He was supposed to stay home. He wasn’t supposed to walk alone, it was too dangerous,  _ what was he doing here _ ? Eiji quickly picked up on his state, nodding over to Bones and Kong, who were ordering donuts and laughing to each other. Eiji reminded him he’d asked him to meet back up at three and Ash paled. He’d forgotten. Eiji tilted his head, eyes scanning over him with a frown. Was he okay? No, he felt like he was being followed everywhere he went, of course he wasn’t okay. He couldn’t worry Eiji though. He brushed it off, apologizing for yelling at him and walking off over to Bones and Kong. He allowed their loud flirting to distract him, Eiji still keeping an eye on him as he laughed, agreeing with something Bones had said. Bones smiled cheekily at Kong, money trading hands and they dragged Ash along back to the condo. 

Later on that night, at about sundown, Ash started getting ready to go out hunting for Kippard. He had to look young, distinguished. Kippard wasn’t the Marvin type, he preferred to have the pretense of luxury while pretending he wasn’t a disgusting old pig. The button-down shirt he never wore would be fine, hopefully. He didn’t care much for the formal look so he could probably burn the clothes after tonight, relish in them turning to ash. Eiji walked in, wondering why he was dressing up. Ash told him bluntly, but Eiji didn’t believe him - or rather - didn’t want to believe him. He shoved it off as a joke, instead bringing Ash’s attention to the story of Lee Hua-Lung’s death. Ash had heard about it in the bar but hadn’t thought much. Eiji brought up Yut-Lung, telling him what he hadn’t before. Ash could guess why he hadn’t. Eiji was trying to keep him safe just as he was trying to keep Eiji safe. Ash sighed, deciding to put off thinking about it until later, bidding Eiji goodbye, giving him a final reminder not to go out alone. Eiji still didn’t want him to go out. He had to though. 

It wasn’t hard to intercept “Peter”, the boy glad to have an excuse to fuck around for the next hour or so without having to spend that time with Kippard. Ash sent him off with a clipped smile that disappeared as he got in the elevator. He had to look innocent. He had to get Kippard’s guard down. It worked, of course it did. That didn’t make anything that occurred easy. Bile rose in Ash’s throat as the man hung over him on the bed, his skin felt covered in dirt and grime everywhere he touched him. He decided to reveal who he was before Kippard could go any farther, Kippard immediately tensing as Ash pressed the gun to his stomach. Kippard started stammering as Ash clicked the safety off, getting up and backing him with it trailed on him, trigger finger ready. Kippard asked what he wanted, money, whatever. He should’ve known he wanted Banana Fish. He pretended he didn’t know, Ash demanding to know who was protecting the lot of them. Kippard had a cheap loyal streak, though he cracked when Ash turned his phone to him, a dull old picture taken from a security camera when he was maybe thirteen or fourteen. Blackmail was easy with their types. He started to speak, when a shot rang out, Kippard’s blood spraying everywhere as he fell over, dead. Ash was quick to get rid of the lights in the hotel room, getting down beside the bedside table. The angle suggests it was from one of the buildings a couple streets over. Too far for a normal sniper. Ash caught his breath sitting next to Kippard’s limp body, the pool of blood getting ever closer. How was he going to explain the stains to Eiji? 

He used the bathroom in the hotel room to clean almost everything, the dull soap smell cloying to him as he stepped out of the building, his clothes still a bit wet even after blow-drying them. When he got home, Eiji didn’t bat an eye, just told him to get to bed before he accidentally stayed up all day without rest again. The next morning was a different story as Eiji dragged him around, Ash only partially registering anything. The first thing he properly felt was hot water. He was sitting in the shower. Eiji’d put him in here. He recounted everything that had happened. Kippard had been killed before he was able to tell Ash anything. Someone had acted as a sniper in one of the opposing buildings. The matter was who would do it? Regardless, he needed to eat. Eiji probably made breakfast and would get pissed if his food wasn’t enjoyed. 

His hunch was correct, Eiji sitting expectantly at the dining table with the paper, a bowl of shrimp and avocado salad sitting across from him. He poked fun at Ash’s hypotension, Ash immediately calling him elderly with a shit-eating grin. Someone had taken a bite out of his salad and Ash elected to ignore Eiji’s outburst saying that it had been him. He needed to check if Kippard’s death had been made public yet so he tilted his head, visibly irritating Eiji as he pouted. He handed the paper over without much fuss, Eiji sticking his head to look with him and bumbling when Ash gently pushed him away. The doorbell was a welcome distraction, allowing Ash an excuse to get Eiji out of the room to properly think. Eiji knew something was up, but he went off when the doorbell kept ringing. It had definitely been a pro, but the question on Ash’s mind was why not kill him too? What was the sniper after? 

Eiji called him over to the door, it had been Ibe and Max swinging by. Ash watched Ibe and Eiji interact, talking to each other in Japanese now that they could. Max, however, decided to pull Ash away to have a talk downstairs. Max was talking to him, but he wasn’t really paying attention. Max had to practically shake him out of the weird space he was in, just in time for the news to report a traffic accident resulting in colonel Holstock’s death. Max joked about God finally punishing him, but Ash knew it was too lucky, too much of a coincidence. Ash dragged Max back to the building he thought the sniper had shot from, showing him how the shots lined up with both the hotel window and the highway where the accident had occurred. A green book caught Ash’s eye. Hemingway. Blanca? 

As soon as he got back home, he pulled all the blinds, not risking it. He had to have confirmation but it was going to be on his terms, his time. He just didn’t account for Eiji opening the door the second he unfurled the curtains in the room he was in, shots ringing out as Ash yelled for the lights to go out. Eiji was bleeding. It was just a slight graze, but it was enough to soak a bit of his sleeve in blood. It was Blanca. And his target was Eiji. This was fine. His phone buzzed and he excused himself. 

It wasn’t fine. He yelled at the man over the phone. It was Blanca, in the same annoying voice as years ago. Blanca then passed the phone over to Yut-Lung, his familiar tone resonating over the phone as he told him they’d hired Blanca, and his target was Eiji. Ash’s blood ran cold.  _ Negotiations will be tomorrow night at nine, pier eight, warehouse twelve _ . The numbers and location rang through his head as he asked Blanca to be put back on. That bitch said he was going to retire! And fuck off to the Caribbean forever! He was an absolute liar and now Eiji’s life was on the line because he couldn’t keep a promise to save his ass! Ash needed to yell, and so he did, telling Blanca to let his dick rot off and hanging up without any final words. That two-timing son of a bitch.

He went to check on Eiji. Sitting in his bed, he perked up when Ash came in, a smile gracing his features as he told him he was okay. Ash still felt propelled to check his temperature. A bit warm, but nothing serious yet. He just needed to rest. Ash wandered over, pulling the curtains apart a bit, nothing much. Nothing came. Eiji spoke up from his bed.  _ When it’s all over, come to Japan with me _ . He said it as if it were as easy as breathing. Ash stood stock still as Eiji explained that he just wanted to show Ash his country, where he lived, what he did, what he saw. He didn’t need a gun to live. Ash tried brushing it off like normal, tried saying that killing was all he knew. Eiji made a distressed noise, hurrying to tell him that he could reinvent himself, go into modeling or something. Ash grimaced. Modeling was a hard industry, nothing like what he’d had to pose for as a kid. Eiji quickly stalled, apologizing and looking down. Oh fuck, he made him upset, why’d he say that. He apologized as quickly as he could, trying to comfort Eiji, distract him by asking about what Japan was like. 

Eiji made it sound like New York, but it wasn’t like that everywhere either. His hometown, Izumo, was a bit less big city-esque. Ash tilted his head, thinking. He would want to go there with Eiji. Eiji smiled, big and wide, joking that everyone would be surprised at him dragging a nice American boy back home with him, saying that his little sister would probably even faint upon hearing the news. They laughed a bit at that, talking in hushed voices until Eiji eventually fell off into sleep, soft snores filling the silence of the room. He couldn’t let him be hurt anymore. He wouldn’t be able to forgive anyone who hurt him. He just had the bad luck of running into Ash’s arms. It wasn’t his fault. 

The next morning he had a fever. Of course he did, he’d been shot, even if it just grazed him. Ash quickly got dressed, telling Eiji about Ibe coming over with a gentle smile. He hoped Eiji would buy his excuse, thinking nothing of it. He hoped he could keep the promise saying “ _ See you later. _ ” brought with it. He had a bad feeling he wouldn’t be able to, though. 

Later that night, after going around and checking to see what was going on with everyone, mostly just prattling his thumbs waiting, it was finally nine and he was in the warehouse as planned. His footsteps echoed, and the bright lights filled his senses along with the sound of a group of people cocking their guns. He shielded his eyes, hearing Dino’s voice first, then Yut-Lung’s, the latter approaching him from somewhere in front of him. Blanca was at the door. He yelled out for them to go ahead and kill him, stuff him, whatever they wanted, just to get it over with. Yut-Lung took notice of this, pulling out a gun from behind him. A simple pistol. Yut-Lung gave the proposal.  _ Shoot your head. If you do, I’ll swear to never lay a finger on Eiji _ . The thought of saying no was fleeting, Ash immediately grabbing up the gun, pointed to his temple, and pulling the trigger. The soft click echoed through the warehouse. Why was it empty? Ash held out a hand to Yut-Lung, making a give-me gesture as he asked for a bullet. Someone had to have one for this gun in the room. Before he knew it, Yut-Lung had slapped the gun out of his hand, it skittering on the floor as he yelled at him for some fucking reason. Why was Yut-Lung so pissed? He’d done what he’d asked him to do? 

Blanca came up behind Yut-Lung, telling him that Ash had no clue what he was talking about. He was right of course, but he didn’t have to say it. The deal they laid out for him was simple: hand over any and all evidence they have of Banana Fish, including Dawson, and Ash would return to Golzine, and stay for Eiji’s safety to be guaranteed. It was an easy decision to make despite Ash’s stomach twisting and turning at the mere thought. Yut-Lung tried to make him rethink it, a slight concern wrinkling his brow, but all it achieved was Ash yelling out that he’ll do it. The guards filtered out, Blanca, Yut-Lung, and Golzine following behind. Ash ran forward, asking Blanca to come over so he could punch him. He shot Eiji. It was only fair, even if he knew he wouldn’t be able to get a punch in anyway. Blanca discussed it with Golzine, before walking over, starting the tussle. It was damn near impossible, Ash knew, but it was still jarring to be out with a single hit to the chest. Blanca asked for privacy and the other two accepted, the door to the warehouse shutting with a loud clang. 

Blanca was straightforward. He always was. His dumbass thought Ash’s life would be made if he just stayed in the industry he was stolen and forced into as a child. He had money, everything he could get if he stayed. It was all fake. And if it wasn’t it always came with the guilt of knowing what Golzine’s empire was built on, knowing intimately how much suffering and pain just in a single week gave Golzine a fat wad of cash. Blanca said he knew how he felt and to an extent he did - but he pretended he hadn’t also run away from the role he’d been given, running off to the Caribbean. Yet here he was telling Ash that it would be easier if he just let his role play out, that Eiji didn’t belong in his life. He knew that very well. He was just so  _ sick _ of being forced to deal with the hand dealt to him, wanting something more. And Eiji made him want. He was one of the first people he’d cared for that loved him and expected absolutely nothing in return. It was eye-opening for him. Blanca made to leave and Ash couldn’t help but beg him not to hurt Eiji. He could’ve swore he saw Blanca twitch, but as soon as it came it left, and he told him he had to go with the role he’d been given. Ash felt like falling through the floor. Once he could breathe without being in pain he had to get back home and tell Alex and Ibe. He hoped Eiji was asleep by the time he got there. 

Luckily, he was. He gathered Ibe and Alex in the kitchen, apologizing for getting Eiji hurt first and foremost, and informing Alex he would be gone for a while, and therefore Alex would take control of the gang. He kept tight-lipped when they asked about it. Ibe asked for more details, of course he did. Max and him were similar in that way, wanting to know every excruciating detail. Ash deflected, not thinking much, just asking him to take him to Japan once it was all over, wanting to see where Eiji grew up. It wouldn’t happen. He just didn’t want Ibe to frown. Ash left, waiting out in a car, watching as Eiji ran out, panting, looking around frantically as Alex and Ibe followed him out, pulling him back into the building. Guilt settled deep in his stomach. Eiji was better off without him. It was a mantra at this point, and Ash only repeated it to try making himself believe it again. 

He decided to get it over with. Getting to the old man’s house wasn’t hard, and neither was getting past the guards or retrieving Dawson. The hard part was looking at Max with his loaded pistol aimed up at him. He wished the hand in his pocket would stop shaking. Max guessed correct, of course it was for Eiji, everything Ash had been doing was for Eiji for a while now. He hadn’t realized the switch, but suddenly he was at the center of everything, he was seeing him everywhere he went. He was being forced to do horrible things just to ensure Eiji stayed alive, and it pained Ash beyond words to have their relationship twisted so sadistically. Max let it happen, handing him the papers easily.  _ Go and save your friend _ . Was Eiji still able to be described as just a friend? The label felt so minuscule in comparison to what Ash was doing to keep his out of harm’s way. Ash was barely able to keep from crying as he snatched up the papers, running out of the building to where he’d put Dawson in the car. When he got in the driver’s seat, he drove, not thinking. About a mile away from the house, he pulled off to the side of the road, curling in on himself. He wouldn’t be able to do this where he was going. If he was lucky, he’d be surrounded by that dull nothingness that allowed him to slip away, to not feel until he died. Dawson sat in the backseat, frail and quiet as Ash’s frame shook. He rubbed his eyes, putting his hands back on the wheel and swallowing thickly. 

The hand over wasn’t that bad. He was handcuffed and shoved into the back of a car unceremoniously. It was nothing. He felt nothing. The car stuttered to life and he just stared at his fingernails. He hadn’t had a chance to clean them. He should do that soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoyed reading !! comment if u want abt it !! its rlly nice getting them jhdbfjhbf anyway keep urself hydrated, safe. n prioritize ur health in all forms!! have a good day/evening/night!!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> someone attends a party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hihi this chap is a bit. heavy . (mentions of disordered eating, and rape mainly, more than whats been mentioned so far) so uhh b aware of tht while u read!! also this wraps up the canon rewrite portion of this fic so hopefully once i find the time ill be back with Actual Writing next !! :DD hope u enjoy as much as u can enjoy this angsty shit

The hallways were familiar, daunting even now. The act of being given a suit was another thing he wished he wasn’t familiar with. He was told on the first day that he wouldn’t have to do anything yet, but Golzine pulled him aside anyway. Ash spent the rest of the night in his private bathroom, on the edge of falling asleep in the bathtub. It was all practiced movements, the same thing he’d done years ago. He hated it. He fell asleep staring at the ceiling and hoping he wouldn’t have to deal with it much longer. 

The next day he was informed he would be needed in a meeting. Golzine briefed him beforehand, telling him that he was to advise the members that sat in the room, discussing what to do about Banana Fish. Ice ran through Ash’s veins and he didn’t even have time to process it before he was ushered into a seat, a level look forced on his face as he caught a stern glare from one of Golzine’s guards. This was the worst. 

It had been nauseating in that room, surrounded by people who scuffed toes with Golzine, who he knew had dealt with him before. It was a test to see if he knew the plan, of course he knew the plan, they pretended to not be planning a coup to trick him into telling them about the worst case scenario he’d thought they were going with. He yelled at Golzine, wanting more than anything for him to just be an unwilling prostitute again, anything but this sick game.  _ But from now on, it’s not your body you’ll be selling, but your soul _ . The words echoed in his head. Of course Golzine would pull this shit on him. Ash wouldn’t be able to look himself in the mirror again without wanting to tear it all apart from the overwhelming guilt. He’d crumble to pieces trying to pretend he hadn’t shook hands with those who would willingly kill people just to establish America as a world power. He’d cleaned thoroughly last night but as he looked down at his hands, he could’ve swore he saw red caked under his fingernails. He sunk back down into the familiar empty void, watching himself as Golzine turned the chair towards him. He only had the bodily control to bite instinctively, and while he couldn’t feel to smile as Golzine pulled away, blood smeared on his lip, he felt a distant pride. 

The preparation to go to the musical Golzine made him go to wasn’t strange, another suit propped at the end of his bed. Then he was delivered food and he was reminded of a few times when he was younger and rowdier, as any normal twelve year old would be, and Golzine would give him drugged food, touting him around town while Ash couldn’t see. Guards followed the food tray, watching him take every bite. Since he’d been at the house, he hadn’t eaten. He’d been avoiding it for many reasons, but drugging was one he’d forgotten. The last bite was the hardest, swallowing it down forcefully. Within thirty or so minutes, his sight was blurred, and he was escorted onto Golzine’s limo, the smell of the man’s cologne being the first thing that greeted him. Next was his rough voice. Then the car started and it was all Ash could do to not throw up. 

The musical had been mediocre at best, tinged with the bitter fact that he couldn’t see, and he was here against his will. With  _ him _ , clapping obnoxiously loud and leaning in, whispering in his ear whenever he thought best. Ash was trying so hard not to lash out, feeling much like an animal trapped in a corner, and it got even harder to hold back with every minute that passed, every musical number that played. And when they got out, they were surrounded by news reporters, asking questions about Golzine’s cleared accusation of tax fraud. He was still guilty. Ash just needed to keep Eiji safe. They got back in the limo, Golzine saying some ridiculous shit about giving the city to him. He just wanted to sleep. He was so, so tired. 

His days blended into one another. Attend meetings. Research. Type up reports. Attend meetings, research, type up reports. Attend Golzine every so often. And back to attending meetings, researching and typing reports. Everything was just void again. He still wasn’t eating. He was forced to every so often, but he’d just get sick. At some point they’d decide to just hook him up to an IV. Everytime he was left alone he would eventually scratch at the intrusion, pulling it out and causing one of the doctors to come back and put it in. the cameras saw everything. Ash could barely feel it when the IV was put in and taken out repeatedly, couldn’t feel when he scratched angry red marks to get it out. He only barely remembered Blanca being there, catching him when he collapsed and wishing him luck when he woke back up. It was the only time he’d been able to feel much anymore, a soft thrum of contempt for the man who wasn’t helping him anymore sparking deep in his gut. 

The psychiatrist was fine. Their eyes darted all over the place. They knew it wasn’t good. The questions they asked were fine, Ash’s answers weren’t. They stepped out of the room after about an hour, leaving Ash to rest. He needed to pick at the IV again. Golzine stepped in.  _ You want to get away from me that badly? _ Yes, of course he does, who wouldn’t? He hadn’t even made a conscious effort to not eat a majority of the time, he just hadn’t until he would stand up, walk a few unsteady steps, and fall over in a painful heap. He wasn’t making a choice. He hadn’t thought of Eiji being punished for his early death. He didn’t know how to get better to keep Eiji safe. How was he supposed to get better in this living hell? That’s when Golzine told him he planned on formally adopting him. His stomach fell through the floor, his skin chilled and face gaunt. He couldn’t take it anymore. 

This had to be a joke! All of this must’ve just been some cruel joke played by God all along! He couldn’t help the laughter threatening to bubble out of him. Golzine just stood there as Ash started recounting everything with Marvin, how he’d ask if it hurt, and not give a damn, because all Ash had been was a toy to him, to Golzine, to everyone who had the money. And here Golzine was, proposing that he’d make him his legal son so he could keep him until he died, and then keep him after with his name, his legacy, his empire! Him, the kid they’d all used as a toy for so long, being named his son! It was a cosmic joke, surely, Ash must’ve misheard! Golzine just stood, blank as Ash told him how none of them had ever seen Ash as living, not really, he was just there for them to use and toss away, just something disposable and convenient, there when they wanted to get their rocks off. It sickened Ash, but he couldn’t stop laughing, it was all just so overwhelmingly  _ ridiculous _ . He fell over on the floor, his manic laughter filling the silent room as he tossed and turned around, wondering if this was the supposed American dream people would die for. Golzine only spoke to tell him to shut up, but Ash was too far gone to care. Maybe when his mind finally broke, he’d go back to being a doll for clients to use again, only useful when others pay to use him. Golzine’s foot connected with his jaw. He barely felt it, the dull distant pain registering but not enough to snap Ash out of his fit of frantic words. He warned Golzine to be careful, lest he break his most prized toy and the rest was a blur. He didn’t feel that much. Everything was so much worse as Golzine’s words finally set in as he lay on the cold hardwood after they left him alone. His head pounded and he knew it was probably from Golzine’s punches. He didn’t want to crawl back up onto the bed yet. He brought his knees to his chest, hugging them tightly as tears flowed freely down his face. His hand brushed into the pool of his blood that Golzine had kicked out of him, and brought with it angry streaks of red across the stark white of his clothes. He stared at the bloody fingerprints on his sleeve. It needed to be cleaned. So did he. 

The routine was the same after, if a bit slower. He wasn’t able to make it to meetings, often collapsing before making it to the door. They brought him a wheelchair and rolled him in anyway. He kept getting distracted researching, his eyes losing focus without him noticing. It was hard to keep up with the reports when he wasn’t able to research, and wasn't able to think clearly. The day soon came for the tax party. Ash didn’t want to attend, didn’t want to witness what was planned. He wanted out. They force fed him the food, his eyes blurring soon after. He didn’t want this, but he didn’t have the energy anymore. Everything left him exhausted and he had no options left. He couldn’t cry. He wanted to, but under the eyes of Golzine, his wants weren’t important, so he stared forward into the blurry mess and hoped if he didn't blink, his eyes would dry up naturally. 

The party was like every other party Dino had made him attend over the years. Crowded, full of people who wanted a sliver of Golzine’s wallet, and people he was acquainted with in one way or another. Ash was glad he couldn’t see, didn’t have to look to the crowd and see faces he only saw in his nightmares. Yut-Lung was there. He was offering him something - champagne was it? - and Ash slapped it away, the dull noise of broken glass on carpet like music to his ears.  _ He’s still a wild beast - just weakened _ . He wasn’t. He was just infinitely human in a horrid situation, trying to claw his way out the only way he knew how. Blanca was here. He pushed his wheelchair a bit away, leaning in to whisper that he’d been hired by Yut-Lung. Ash didn’t want to hear it, he didn’t want to know what Blanca had agreed to do. Before he could think about it much, Blanca returned him to Golzine. Everything was still. Until it wasn’t.

Gunshots rang out, machine guns rattling off. Who was shooting? Amidst the gunfire, Eiji’s voice rang out clear as day, followed by the familiar click of a gun. He must be imagining it. Eiji couldn’t be here. His form was blurry, but he was there. Why was he here? Ash couldn’t think much about it as Golzine pulled him up, pressing the cold edge of a knife to his neck, telling Eiji not to shoot. Eiji was a bad shot, he was no match, Blanca was here, he was going to get hurt. Thoughts rushed through his head as he stood precariously, Golzine’s hand on his back causing bile to rise in his throat. Why was Eiji being so reckless? Bones and Sing were there too, their voices urging Eiji to just shoot Dino already. Ash couldn’t bear it anymore, jabbing Golzine in the throat. He was weak, but Eiji was in danger. His bones ached, exhaustion creeping in quickly, but he needed to help him. He heard the gunshot before he could get over to him, Golzine’s grunt of pain sending a part of him alive with pride. Eiji had shot him. Not in the right place, but he’d done it.

He stumbled toward him, leaning on the table. Eiji was there in seconds, supporting his weight and slinging an arm around his shoulders. He muttered little bits of encouragement in Ash’s ear as they made their way to where Cain had yelled out for them.  _ It’ll all be okay soon _ . Ash heard a gun cock behind them, quickly reaching for the gun Eiji’d tucked into his waistband, shooting at the noise. He heard Cain let out a low whistle, and assumed he’d aimed well. He hoped it would all be okay, for Eiji’s sake. 

They went underground, he knew that much. He passed out soon after, only waking back up to be disappointed the blurriness hadn’t worn off just yet. They were in an abandoned subway station, Cain, Sing and Eiji’s voice rattling off. It was still too dangerous to stay, but Sing tried assuring him it was fine. Eiji was close to him, telling him to come get some rest, change and eat. It all sounded so nice, so simple. He agreed without much argument, saying a quick thanks to Sing and Cain. He was still tired. 

Ash got changed while Eiji started a little fire, Warmth quickly emanating as the wood popped and crackled with heat. He was starting to see more details, but not enough for him to grasp the handle of the mug Eiji had without help. The heat of the mug soothed him, the soup going down easily. It tasted good. It had been a month since food had tasted good, since he enjoyed the act of eating. The soup warmed him, soothing his sore throat as his eyes watered. They really had saved him, hadn’t they? Eiji tried backpedaling, telling Ash that it was him who’d saved him, not the other way around. Maybe it could be both ways. The concrete was cold under him. Blanca would know they were here. They needed to get to safety. Eiji told him in a gentle voice to rest some more, and Ash couldn’t argue with him. He couldn’t argue when they were back together finally. It didn’t stop him from being on guard, though. He’d felt on edge for so long he didn’t know how to unravel. He fell asleep to the sound of Eiji’s comforting voice and the crackling of the fire. 

He could see when he woke up next. They had to leave. Everyone from all the gangs were all down here, like sitting ducks. There was nowhere to go, it was an easy place to ambush, especially since it was under the guise of night. Sing tried arguing with him, and Ash couldn’t figure out why the fourteen-year-old was lecturing him when _ he _ was just trying to save their asses! He was cold, a bit nauseous from eating real food for the first time in a while, and just recovering from being blinded and he could even tell it wasn’t a good place to be. Sing finally came to his senses, nodding and following the rest of them as they restocked on weapons and ammo, preparing for anything really. They had to get out, to cover for Ash’s guard slipping. Even as he stumbled, his vision swimming a bit, he couldn’t just stay there and wait to go back. Eiji was concerned, rightfully so, asking if he was sick. Ash didn’t want to lie to him right now. So, he told him the truth, and Eiji winced, his eyes going wide as Ash told him that it was fine. It would take more to take him down. He didn’t mention that he’d resigned himself to that slow suffering until death. Eiji wouldn’t want to know. It wasn’t the time anyway as shots rang out. 

They went north, past the clanging of bullets hitting the subway car. The run was short, but Ash was getting winded more easily than he had before and he loathed it. Up ahead was a drainage pipe into the East river, and not surprisingly, there were more of Golzine’s armed men. Over where Sing and his men were, tear gas ballooned out as Sing shielded his face, quickly thinking and pushing Alex down into the pipe that led to the river, the rest following suit as their boss led the way. One of Cain’s men on the other hand, had found a way leading ever further down into the tunnels, Cain quickly ushering everyone in. Ash hung behind for a second to fire off some quick shots before Eiji’s voice called out to him. He couldn’t leave him alone again. He followed, slipping down into the hole and panting as cain twisted the manhole cover back in place. 

It seemed like none of them knew their way around at this level, just hoping they’d luck out. There was yelling, they’d been found out. Ash hated the thought, but he needed to lead them away from Eiji and the others. He was about to when Eiji suddenly bumped hard into him, Cain immediately grabbing him up as Eiji ran forward. He was going to lead them away. He was going to be in danger again. He yelled out for Eiji to come back as he kept running, Cain holding him steady. The last thing he remembered was Cain telling him to calm down. 

When he woke up he was tied to a bed. It wasn’t unfamiliar. He hated whoever’s bright idea it was to tie him to a bed, but he remembered Eiji’s predicament. Now he had  _ two _ very good reasons to get the rope off his fucking skin. It grated, it cut, it  _ burned _ and with it brought things he’d rather forget. Cain was right, he was weak, everything ached, he was so, so tired all the time. He needed out though. It didn’t matter if he was weak, he’d been weak for so long and he was still alive now, wasn’t he? Cain refused to untie him, telling him to get rest. How could he rest like this? He pulled as hard as he could, the old wood he was tied to giving way and breaking off even as the rope drew blood. He barely registered the pain, glad that once he wasn’t tied to the bed Cain listened.  _ What’s the plan? _ Ash hadn’t thought that far ahead. 

Ash was heading to the museum. He knew there would be patrols, but it still jarred him how fast they pulled up alongside him. They weren’t shooting. And they weren’t a bunch of old white men. Yut-Lung wanted him alive didn’t he? It was a bit of a desperate bargaining chip, Ash guessed, but it seemed like a natural choice for him. That didn’t mean that he couldn’t shoot, though. He caused a couple wrecks, nothing too much. Once he got to the familiar staircase, his hair standing on end. He knew he was being watched, observed.  _ Come follow me _ , his movements seemed to say. He just hoped they wouldn't realize he was leading them into the lion’s den. 

First thing he did was cut the electricity. No use letting them have the advantage of sight. He could see well in the dark after training with Blanca, so it would be a breeze for him. Once the car holding Yut-Lung arrived he took aim, a few shots going off. His hands shook. He couldn’t let them. Right now, everyone was relying on the Demon of New York, the famed Ash Lynx. They didn’t want little Aslan shaking as he raised a gun to the man who made his life hell. He resolve solidified as he remembered - he was creating a diversion to protect Eiji, Kong, and Bones. He needed to draw it all out so they could be safe. Even if the guilt of the gun in his hand and the knife in his pocket weighed him down, he needed to keep them safe. 

Yut-Lung was already sending in men to find him. It was desperate, obviously not something Blanca approved of. They were all collateral. Yut-Lung had sent them knowing Ash was in there, probably even after Blanca had warned him against it. He had to know he’d lose a few men. Ash didn’t think as he repeated the ever familiar motions. He couldn’t think or else his mind would clear of the familiar fog, and he would no doubt be overwhelmed by his emotions. Once the men had been cleared, he stood watch over them in a window, keeping out of sight. Yut-Lung was on the phone. They must’ve found them. Cain’s part in this was still coming up though. 

A simple drive-by was enough to separate Blanca and Yut-Lung, Ash easily getting rid of the man who was with him. He had Yut-Lung by the braid, almost strangling him to keep him quiet. Hostage secured, Ash walked back to stand where no one could reach him. He yelled out, catching their attention as he held his gun to Yut-Lung. He forced his hands to stop shaking, his voice to even out, deeper than normal. It was an act, but it wasn’t at the same time. He knew what he was doing, knew why and how he was doing it. But it felt different now. He didn’t feel the same as he would’ve if he’d done this only about half a year earlier. 

The truck kind of messed with their plans. Not really, it was good to have confirmation that everyone was okay. But Ash still didn’t want Eiji to see him like this. He quickly told Cain to leave, to meet up later at the hall. He backed up, telling Blanca to come to the ocean section. He’d be back in his element. But so would Blanca. It was a risk he was willing to take for Eiji and the others. 

Blanca was as he normally was on the job. Calculating, if a bit blunt. Of course he’d say the offer was too imbalance, trying to trick Ash into letting up. Ash knew however, that Blanca liked to keep a clean record of his jobs being successful, and his client dying would muss that up, and he would be irritated by it even after retiring. Yut-Lung wouldn’t stop talking, threatening Ash and the others even with a knife to his throat, his own long braid wrapped around it as well. The gall of it all. Ash knew he was posturing, reminding Blanca of what he had taught him, reminding Yut-Lung that he was in danger. He just wanted them safe. This was his problem, his fault. Blanca accepted. 

The trade off was as expected for a world-renowned assassin. EIji and the others ran off to the hall on the count of three as Ash tossed Yut-Lung down the stairs, a bullet just hitting him as he flung a knife at Blanca at the same time. It hit square in his arm, stuck. They were even. Ash ran off. Golzine was surely on his way and Ash hoped never to see him again until he was getting buried six feet deep. He had to get to the hall. 

The hall was one of their old hideouts, one they hadn’t used in a while so they hoped they wouldn’t be found out immediately. Once Ash got there, he was ushered into their made up medbay, getting his gunshot wound treated along with the others who had gotten injured. He heard Eiji’s voice, gentle and soothing as he told Ash to stop moving around so much. It was normal, the others’ murmurs of disbelief at pulling it all off forming into one amalgamation of voices, allowing Ash to drift off on the mat he laid on. 

Once he got up the next morning, Eiji was gone. He was probably upstairs, he had a fondness for sitting up on the roof where he could see the skyline, take a few pictures, do things that felt so unique to Eiji. He did find him once he shucked a jacket on, Eiji sitting there and looking at a pouch of red fabric. Apparently it was a good luck charm his kid sister had given him back in Japan. For love. Eiji squinted at it, saying how much she had been an airhead for picking it out. Ash couldn’t help but feel she’d been a bit right, though he couldn’t say the  _ good luck _ part of the charm was working in their favor. Eiji paused, glancing up at him before asking for confirmation that he knew the tall man. Ash could barely bite his tongue. Of course, he knew the man. He’d taught him the ins and outs of death and killing, but was somehow the most kind person he had in his life when he was fourteen. Eiji looked down, his expression hurt, trying to hide it. However Ash couldn’t help but see a floor down, Sing had finally arrived. He was hurt. They rushed down, dragging him into the medbay, hoping that the rest of them would be able to help. Ash couldn’t help from wincing as he saw the younger’s state. 

Once Sing woke up, he demanded to know where his guys were. They had been separated from Cain’s gang and Ash’s men last night, and Sing swore, getting up shakily and making his way over to the door. Ash couldn’t let a kid out like that, no matter if he was the boss of his gang or not. Sing took it wrong, thinking Ash was just saying it because it wasn’t his men, and Ash sighed. Teenagers were such a fucking handful. He was trying to help and this kid jumped to about fifty different conclusions all at once. He smiled down at Sing, hoping it would comfort the boy as he told him to let him handle this for once. Eiji was going to look after him while they were out helping Sing, the boy beaming down at Sing much the same way Ash had. Sing grabbed his shirt as he was leaving, begging him to save them. He knew. He was going to get them back for him. There was no need to worry. 

He was working with Cain, both the bosses going over what they already knew. Then, Alex came in clutch, telling them he knew where they were being held. They had to make a plan on the move. Infiltrate and retrieve. It was supposed to be simple. Infiltrating wasn’t all that hard. They just grabbed a guard and they let them in easy, allowing for them to shoot out at the ones in the building. Sing ran forward anyway, frantic and not thinking. Ash knew why he’d come but if he kept having to protect his ass he’d go crazy. They found Lao and the rest easily, all of them zip tied in the room together. Sing yelled for Ash to keep going. He’d clocked a camera. He had a funny feeling it wasn’t hooked to anywhere good. 

Once they got back to the hideout it was easygoing for a while. Ash was going to head out, get some information later that day, so he was wearing one of the suits he had saved for when he needed to get shit done. SIng chased him down before he left, thanking him. It had been nothing, Ash thought. It was just repaying a friend. 

The condo was empty when he got there, but the familiar walls painted with memories of the people he cared about comforted him, even as he copied his files over to keep them safe. The door knocked. His sense went into overdrive, jumping back even as it was revealed to be just Max, dropping by again. He sighed, walking with Max over to the kitchen, Max starting the coffee machine as they both shucked off their heavy coats. Max had asked if Eiji was ok, if he’d let that data and evidence go to waste, and of course he hadn’t. Eiji was alright, he assured him, taking care of Sing and generally enjoying the moments of peace he came by. Then came Max’s ask. He wanted to know if Ash knew of another way to pin Golzine and the rest down. Of course he did. Was it worth the trouble? When Max told him News Week was paying for his apartment next door, he knew he couldn’t say it wasn’t. 

It was one of the seedier gay bars downtown, owned by this guy named Frank. Everyone called him Frog. Long story short, he’d been in charge of rounding up kids for Dino. He had his own little side business up in his penthouse, pretending the money he got was from downstairs at the bar. It wasn’t, it never was with his type, but people either believed him, couldn’t speak against him, or were in league with him. And with that, Max and Ash went in to do some recon. 

Max was unbelievably stiff, so blatantly obvious to everyone around him that he was straight. God, Ash could practically hear every decent gay man in a fifty mile radius sigh just looking at him. Ash couldn’t stand it, wrapping his arm around Max and telling him to work with him, just pretend they’re a couple. It was as awkward as you’d think. They sat at the bar, Max practically having a breakdown over some guy who clearly couldn't tell he was straight grabbed his ass. Ash was just shocked anyone thought Max was anything to gag over, I mean look at him, you could do so much better. Max ran off to the bathroom at some point, and during that time, some man came up to Ash offering to buy him a drink. Old, silvery hair, a scar running along his jaw and a suit that didn’t even match. Clear signals saying not to accept any offer this man gave you. Ash declined, using the fact that he was “with” Max as a deterrent, and luckily the man walked away. It would’ve been worse if he stayed. Max returned in due time, both of them catching Frank in the corner of their eyes. There was no time to think about the odd man. 

They followed Frank up, backing him into his room as he fell over. He hadn’t changed his decor since the last time Ash had been here. It was still ugly as all hell. Ash had his gun out, trained on Frank, as he scrambled backward, back pressed against his bed as he claimed he thought Ash was dead. A part of Ash wanted to let him believe he was being haunted beyond the grave. He surely deserved it for what he had done. He settled for just claiming that he’d risen from hell. In a way, he was pretty sure he had. He needed the photographs for Max, to give him evidence. Frank just kept denying, claiming that he had gotten rid of them. Ash knew he hadn’t. The clicking of the cameras still stuck in his head, Frank and the rest of them laughing as they cried. The repetitive sound still resounded ever often in his nightmares, remembering the cameras forced into his face as he went through hell. Click. Click.  _ Click.  _ **_Click_ ** . 

Max was there. The door had opened again. Ash blinked, his eyes refocusing onto the shaking figure of Frank, the barrel of Ash’s gun pressed tight enough to his forehead it would leave a mark. Ash’s finger twitched on the trigger. He could feel how the hand in his pocket was clenched hard enough to draw blood. All of this came in waves as he realized where he was and what he was doing. Max had yelled at him. What had he yelled? He backed up quickly, wanting out. He felt cornered and he hated it. Max gestured with his hands while he stood behind him, Frank unlocking a compartment in his desk and pulling out a manila folder. The photographs. Including Ash’s. Frank begged him not to tell Dino, but it wasn’t like it mattered anyway. 

Max and him went out to meet with Max’s contact, the conversation clipped between them. Once they got there, they gave the folder over to the other man who started uploading the files to add to the evidence piling up against Dino and the rest of them. Ash apologized first, telling Max he was sorry he almost shot Frank. Max instead immediately apologized back for making Ash go through that again. The other man told Ash he was to make sure the rights of the other boys in the pictures were protected and it almost made Ash laugh. How many of them were still alive? Ash just stared at the manila folder and told them to just use his, considering he was already a dead man. Max got an odd look in his eye and pulled out a lighter. The folder caught rather quickly, Ash staring at the bright hot flicker of flame as it started burning away the photographs taken while he was traumatized, ruined. He couldn’t stop staring at the collecting pile of ashes that spilled off the folder in sheets. _ Forget everything. But I guess you would’ve already if you could. Just don’t think about it anymore. You don’t have to be controlled by this anymore. _ Ash wished it were that simple, but even knowing that this wouldn’t ever solve anything, he couldn’t help but feel satisfaction in watching the pictures of him crying burn into unrecognizable soot. 

The next morning at their hideout, he was reading up on a dismembered arm found in a dumpster, an odd feeling prickling at the base of his neck. Cain walked in, telling him Eiji was looking for him. It was only natural for Eiji to look for him, both of them wanting to know where the other was almost all the time. Ash deflected, asking how Sing and his men were doing. Cain looked a bit tired, but listened as Ash recapped what they knew. Sing’s men had been kept in an obvious location. There had been cameras. Close to no actual security. Something was up. Cain told him he was overthinking it but then they were called into another room, where one of Cain’s guys had been bandaged up after being shot. While they were checking up on him, someone else came in to tell them that another one of his members had been shot, and Cain gave Sing the side eye. Ash needed to intervene. Cain apologized, right now they just had to focus on Yut-Lung’s bullshit and not try taking out each other the way he wanted them to. 

They went down to one of Cain’s regular places, not the bar he himself owned but one he frequented. It was a mess of broken glass and limp bodies in the lowlight. The shells littered the floor, obviously from automatic weapons. It had been planned. Tires screeched outside and before they knew it, bullets flew into the building once again, Ash and Cain diving behind the counter. Cain cursed, wincing as Ash peeked above the counter, a few shots ringing out from his gun. Ash gestured for him to start running upstairs, and they ducked down as they rushed up the stairs, a couple guys in suits following them up. They just needed to get down the fire escape and recuperate. Sadly the lull in the barrage didn’t last that long, and the man running in front of Cain fell down, bloody and limp as Ash and Cain ducked down once again to wait out the rattling of the guns. It stopped after a minute, Cain looking up at Ash for answers. They were toying with them, seeing how they’d react. It wasn’t like how Yut-Lung and Golzine usually took out their shit. Someone else was involved. Ash resolved to get fingerprints from the dead bodies of the ones that followed them up the stairs. 

After a quick pause to call up Fly to look into the identities, Cain received a panicked call from someone back at the hideout. Once they got there, the gruesome sight greeted them. Ash winced as Cain looked on at the corpse of one of his members. Whoever was after them was taking their time, having some sick  _ fun _ . They couldn’t go back downtown while they were being watched. They were cornered. Ash’s phone lit up with a notification from Fly. The men chasing after them had been involved in the military or mercenary work at some point. The only thing that didn’t quite match up was the fact that the bio stated he had died in 2004 in a failed aircraft mission. The leader of that mission had been Eduardo L. Foxx. Ash scrolled down. He could’ve sworn his blood chilled as he set his gaze upon the old man who had hit on him at the bar. Robert and Max were in danger. He knew their faces. Ash left without much to say to Cain, leaving him alone. 

Luckily, when Ash got to Robert’s apartment Max only had been grazed on his arm. Ash would never admit how relieved he was that he was alive. But, due to the fact that two of Foxx’s men were holed up in the apartment with guns, he wasn’t optimistic about Robert’s case. When they got in there, the place was a mess, broken glass and strewn about objects littering the floor. Robert sat in a chair, bleeding from his right side. He was worried about them getting the data, when he was severely injured. Turns out he hid it in a safety deposit box at the bank. Once they called paramedics they high-tailed it down the street to talk. Max had to stay with the gangs. It was too risky for him to be away from the safety they could provide. Ash couldn’t tell him that it was because the thought of Max being dead made him feel like he was trying to swallow around a rock, the same way seeing Griffin alone had made him feel when he was fifteen. So, he told him it was because the man that was coming after them was like him. By all legal accounts they were both dead men. 

Ash told Bones and Kong to be on the lookout for Jessica. Both he and Max agreed that she would probably come to New York to protest the guard situation. And they were right, Jessica’s heels clicking as she walked down the hall to Max’s apartment. It was fine, she came with after Ash told her she could come to talk Max’s ear off. Bones recovered from her heavy bag hit in the car on the way back. Once she got there she immediately started butting heads with Max, Ash and Eiji sharing an exasperated look as Eiji scooted over back to his side as they were distracted arguing. Eiji nodded over to the door while they were talking about Jessica’s sister. They both shirked out of the room as quietly as they could, which wasn’t needed based on the fact that everyone across New York could hear those two going at it. 

Later on after discussing some security measures with the other gangs, he pulled his laptop onto a crate, a heavy blanket wrapped around his body. He still felt too cold all the time. He’d looked it up, it was a normal side effect of not having enough weight on you. He didn’t want to think about it. He just needed to figure out what Foxx’s next move would be. Then Eiji came, a couple thermos of mineral water in tow. Ash couldn’t help the smile that broke out across his face. Eiji gasped as Ash recounted everything he knew about who they were up against. They were just overblown serial killers working under the name of “Mercenaries” to excuse their actions. It was a cheap play. Ash couldn’t understand how they’d actively  _ want _ to kill people, he was forced to so often and his limbs and mind ached with guilt. 

Then Eiji told him to think about it as if he had been forced to take the job instead of Foxx. Eiji’s expression and lively gestures made Ash feel. Something? He suddenly found it very hard to think back on the topic, distracted by Eiji’s finger pointing at him while Eiji grinned dopely. He was cute. Oh no,  _ he was cute _ . He was lovely and  _ oh god _ , he was waiting for a response. What had they been talking about? Foxx. They were talking about Foxx. What would Ash do? Stir up the leaders. He knew. He tried ignoring how Eiji rubbing his eyes made something in him flutter and whip around. He couldn’t think about that right now. 

Later that night, he’d told everyone the plan. Everyone was going to split up in four groups, two of them running off through the sewers toward downtown, while two stayed back to fight them off and then escape to go downtown as well. If they could get back on their home turf they’d win. They were to meet in a warehouse on pier six in two days; forty eight hours. Eiji was travelling with Sing’s group to go down into the sewers. He nodded at Ash, confirming the time. His eyes were set, determined. If Ash didn’t show up, he had the feeling Eiji wouldn’t stop until he found him. His simple response felt like it paled in comparison to the energy Eiji emanated naturally. To distract himself after Eiji ran to catch up with Sing, he watched Jessica and Max have a similar conversation; albeit with more arguing. Forty eight hours. 

The gunfire started surprisingly quickly once the first two groups had left, Ash and the rest of the ones who stayed behind ducking behind concrete as bullets flew in. Ash shot a few bullets back, but it wasn’t enough. He knew it wouldn’t be. They needed to pull back, but Ash needed to stay up front. It was his problem, he knew. Cain tried getting him to come back with the rest, but he couldn’t make his feet move. He needed to see this to the end while going all out. Maybe if he stayed in front they wouldn’t go after the others. Possibilities and excuses for staying there whizzed around in Ash’s head. 

Once he’d retreated Ash started running in the opposite way, up the stairs and to the roof. There was nowhere to go. They knew where he was. The only option was to jump. Everything ached after, and there was shattered glass everywhere but he wasn’t captured or dead yet. At that point it was a matter of dodging and running them around in circles. It got repetitive quickly, but he needed to do it. He hadn’t noticed the start of dawn yet as he heard a man yell his name. Foxx. He had a pistol to Max’s head. Ash felt dizzy. He didn’t have a choice. He had to surrender so the hostages would at least be alive. Max, Kong, Bones; they all deserved better. They always had. So, he stepped into the daylight, laying his gun on the ground. 

Of course they were sending them off to Dr. Mannerheim. Ash tried ignoring the wounds they had as they were loaded onto the truck. They weren’t dead, but if Mannerheim got to them they would be. Max was with them. Ash couldn’t breath. Foxx called him  _ Dino’s son _ , he wasn’t that, he never was, he never will be, and he’d rather die than be that  _ pig's son _ . But, he gritted his teeth. He had a feeling he knew what he wanted to “ _ talk to him about _ ”, and he didn’t want to deal with it. His suspicions only grew when he was tied up, the soldiers ogling him. He wanted out. He wanted to lash out on every one of their prying eyes, until none were left to stare at him. He couldn’t move. Foxx gestured for the others to leave. This was when it always got bad. THe cigarette stench stuck in the air, bitter and sharp like the ropes rubbing Ash’s neck raw. 

He hated being compared to wild animals. They always excused everything they’d done on trying to “ _ tame him _ ”, when he’d just been following his survival instinct. He wasn’t a wild animal, and he couldn’t let a man who carved people up while they were alive,  _ for fun _ , call him that. Naturally, he was punched for this, falling to the floor. The rope around his neck pulled taut. His mind blanked. Foxx was saying something about running Golzine’s corporation together. Did he think Ash would team up with the likes of  _ him _ ? The rope tightened. He was pushed against a wall. Get out. Foxx spoke of why he wanted away from Golzine and Ash paused. Get away. He was done putting up with the same old men over and over again, crushing others left and right because it made them feel something. He was tired of just sitting and letting it happen, his mind drifting off so he was blissfully unaware until he sank into a warm bath later. Foxx pulled out a knife. 

He was painfully aware of everything and he hated it. He needed to be on guard for when someone would let their guard down around him. He still despised every touch, every noise, every smell. It was nauseating and exhausting but Foxx left a still lit cigarette on the ground. He just needed to burn through the rope. One of the guards kicking him was a perfect way to get the butt in place to burn. His ribs ached. Once he was free, he snatched the knife from the guard, stabbing him and then throwing the other knife into the other guard’s head, his machine gun going off as he went down. So much for subtlety. He grabbed the other machine gun and ran out in the hallway. He had a bullet with Foxx’s name on it. 

Sadly, Foxx ran off before he could. Ash only let himself be disappointed for a second before he heard Eiji’s voice. Why was he here? It wasn’t safe! Cain, Sing and Jessica were with him too! They were all supposed to have escaped. They came back for him. They had to leave, now. Jumping fences was hard, in his state, but he needed to keep it to himself. They couldn’t find out. When Cain touched his shoulder, it was a reflex. Cain had only been worried. He’d slapped his hand away. Ash shook his head, backing away separate from the rest of them, feeling like he’d tore open a wound just for them to witness how it ached. A sole trail of footprints followed him. Eiji’s face was set with concern, a look that said they would talk about this later, but right now he just needed to ensure he was safe. Ash didn’t know how to process it. Eiji reached out for him, arms comfortingly wrapping around his head, not too loose or tight. Ash realized how much he’d been shaking as Eiji held him, the stability of his arms highlighting Ash’s tremors. It was warm. Safe. Light. He relaxed into the hold, wishing he could stay there forever. 

Once they got up and moving to get to the pier, everyone ignored what had happened. Ash felt displaced, each of them side eyeing him afterwards. Jessica with pity, Sing with confusion, Cain with concern, and Eiji with determination. He didn’t want to look into it. He didn’t want to acknowledge it. Navigating the familiar streets at least helped take his mind off of it. Eiji kept glancing around though, glaring at anyone whose eyes strayed far too long on the group of them. It wasn’t necessarily a new experience, having Eiji practically snarling at people who paid too much attention to Ash and the rest of them, but usually he was more subtle. In the time of being with Ash’s gang he’d started being protective over them, watching their backs while they protected him, playing it off as if he was just a confused tourist when anyone would notice. This was a completely different vibe, and Ash had a feeling if anyone he had glared at took it up with him, he’d end up pissing them off and getting in a fight. He didn’t need to do that. 

They finally got to the warehouse, the lot of them cheering before realizing some were missing. Lao started yelling at Sing for abandoning his own members to rescue Ash, going in on Cain while he was at it. Eiji stood back near Ash as he took off the wrecked shirt. Eiji’s hands were clenched at his sides. He had to stop this. He chucked on his jacket, not bothering with a shirt just yet. Did they have nothing better to do than place blame while their friends were off at the center? Was that what was happening? They didn’t know how bad the center was. 

He needed to tell Sing that Alex was back, but Lao and him were arguing. The echo was insane in the building and Ash felt his stomach drop. He tried not to show it. Little Sing asked him if he ever regretted becoming boss. Of course he did. He already walked with a target on his back because of Golzine, adding gang boss onto that is just another big target. People watched him everywhere he went, watched everyone he was with. He loathed it, but this was the only way he’d learned how to survive. 

They had to check up on Roberts and get the box number and key. Max was obviously going to be coerced into telling them, so they had to take action quickly, getting in and out easily with the data. Once they got back to the new hideout, Jessica winced as she started copying the data over onto Ash’s laptop. It wasn’t a good sight, Ash knew. He was about to leave when she brought up the other day. Had he been raped? Of course he had. That was all they ever wanted from him. Control. She sighed, wondering how he got back up so quickly. It had taken her six months. He wished he’d ever had that much time in a safe place, much less in a place where he could’ve processed any of it. He’d always had to drag himself back quickly. At least since he ran away from Jim’s sister. After that it had just become normal. He hated it. 

Alex reported back that there was construction being done at the Center. Lots of trucks moving in. It was objectively the best time to sneak in. They would contact them first, though. Ash had the data. Later on, once the meeting was over he and Eiji were in one of the branching off rooms. Eiji poured himself a mug of coffee as Ash told him he needed to go with Jessica to be protected by News Week. Eiji agreed easily, staring down at his mug. Ash squinted his eyes. He got closer, leaning in and cocking his head. Eiji looked up at him, frowning. He said he was serious this time. Ash played it off, talking about how buck wild he’d been the last time. He hoped he’d be safe with her. He had a bad feeling about his chances going into this, and he desperately didn’t want Eiji to have to watch it unfold. 

Eiji wanted to take his place. He wanted to keep him from needing to hold a gun. It was the same with Ash. He had to keep Eiji from being like him, covered in blood and drenched in guilt that never quite washed away. Eiji tried telling him it had been necessary for him to do so, but Ash knew. He’d only cause trouble for Eiji if he stayed around. Eiji burst out of his seat, hollering up a fit about how he  _ cared _ , and it mattered to him if Ash was safe, even if it didn’t matter to Ash half the time.  _ Come with me to Japan _ . There it was again. The fabled thought was practically a fever dream to Ash. _ You can do anything. You can be reborn _ . It all sounded so fantastical, but coming out of Eiji’s mouth he could almost believe it. He went along, teasing Eiji that he’d better teach him Japanese. Eiji immediately burst into a bright beaming smile that warmed Ash inside out. Maybe he could go on this pipe dream with Eiji. 

He was teaching him basic phrases. Greetings at first, Eiji laughing at what Ibe had taught Ash, then goodbyes. As soon as the word came out of Ash’s mouth, Eiji smiled before it quickly fell. He shoved Ash aside with a yell as a shot rang out. Ash watched as Eiji fell, blood seeping from the gunshot wound in his abdomen. He could barely breathe, could barely think, everything was much too cramped and he could smell the gunpowder in the air and the telltale smell of fresh blood finally reached his nose and he barely registered the bullet that hit his hip. His gun fired, he couldn’t tell how many times. He yelled, and everything was blank. He couldn’t get the image of Eiji bleeding on the floor out of his head. Everytime he blinked it was there. Then Sing was in front of him.  _ He’s already dead! _ Who was already dead? Was it Eiji? It couldn’t be. The body on the floor registered. Him. He was already dead. He saw Lao raise his gun out of the corner of his eye and shot, purely on instinct. Eiji. He needed to get back to Eiji. 

Eiji had to be okay. His eyes weren’t open, a few people had helped get him upright, but he wasn’t saying anything. Ash couldn’t stop his heart from racing, his hands from shaking as he leaned over Eiji on the floor, calling his name. He couldn’t be gone, no, no, no. They were supposed to go to Japan, they were supposed to be safe together, this couldn’t be it, please don’t let this be it. Eiji scrunched his nose and Ash waited with bated breath. His eyes opened. They were the same as always, but his voice was low and cracking, and Ash knew it was taking him effort to even breathe.  _ Ash. You’re safe. Good. _ And Eiji closed his eyes once more. Ash scrambled forward, begging him to open his eyes back up. The ambulance would be here any minute, he just needed to stay, he needed to be okay. 

Ash wanted to stay with Eiji, make sure he was taken care of. He wanted to be there when Eiji woke up next, assuring him he was alright. Blanca was there instead, holding him back as he yelled and struggled to get past the tall man. Eiji was already in the truck, he needed to help, he needed him there. He yelled as the doors closed, the view of Eiji in the ambulance being hooked up to a heart rate monitor leaving a chill down his spine. He had to be alright, he had to be there to help, and Blanca was stopping him, he just needed to go. Then he was asleep. 

The next time he woke up, it all came back quickly with the realization that he’d been shot. Eiji was shot. He was alone. He was vulnerable. His eyes swiped the room. Blanca was still here. He reached into his coat, training the man’s own pistol on himself. He needed to get to Eiji. Blanca called for the room to be emptied and Ash couldn’t spare a thought for why there had been a group of people he hadn’t noticed. Blanca had to move. His gaze was pitying almost, as he told Ash he couldn’t go and risk Eiji being pinned as an accomplice. He knew he was right. He told Ash he was just afraid to be alone, he wasn’t, he swore he wasn’t, he just enjoyed the brief moments he and Eiji spent together where they could pretend they were normal. He thought Eiji deserved the world and then some, and he wanted to give it to him. He’d never wanted so much in his life.  _ He doesn’t exist for your salvation _ . It wasn’t about Ash. He cared for Eiji and wanted to help the boy as much as he’d helped Ash in their months together. It still didn't keep it from sounding warped coming from Blanca’s mouth. Maybe it seemed that way. Maybe it  _ was _ that way. But Eiji wanted to take him to Japan, wanted Ash to reinvent himself safely. Maybe he could learn how to fix that when the time came. It still didn’t stop the bright hot tears blurring his eyes as he shot at Blanca, missing every time. His wound had reopened. There were red droplets dripping onto the floor. He couldn’t think of much else as he collapsed. 

He woke up again with a gasp, the first thought on his mind being Eiji. Then he registered the IV in his arm. He couldn’t get to him. He couldn’t support him. He was stuck. He had to get on a new shirt. His hands had bloodstains as he set the old tee to soak in the sink, pulling the new one over his head. He didn’t look in the mirror. He didn’t want to see. 

The rest of the gangs were in the large meeting area. The atmosphere was tense, it felt like everyone was holding their breath. After last night, Ash could take a few guesses as to why. Sing was there too, with his gang. The other two groups were a bit unsettled by this, obviously thinking they shouldn’t be here anymore, not after last night. Sing audibly swallowed, telling Ash that he was prepared to take the fall, just to wait until everyone was safe. Then the little fourteen-year-old stepped up to him and announced that he wanted to fight Ash one-on-one. There were cumulative murmurs from everyone. Lao had another outburst, saying something about how Ash had killed their men as if it were nothing - that he thought of Eiji being the only person worth anything. It was far from true, but Ash couldn’t speak, couldn’t move his aze from where he was staring at the concrete. Lao kept yelling and Ash could feel the telltale pricks behind his eyes and he bit his cheek. He couldn’t cry because Lao was saying everything he thought of himself in his worst moments. He couldn’t. 

Sing punched Lao, Ash swallowing thickly as the tensions somehow rose. Lao was out. He didn’t want a cold-hearted monster to be his secondary boss. Ash couldn’t help but sympathize. He didn’t want it either. The sound of the door closing was penetrating, sharp in the tense air. Sing turned back to him, his eyebrows furrowed. It was times like these where he could see the shaky hands held at his side, his small frame doing nothing to hide the hitches in his breathing. He was a kid. Ash didn’t want to fight him. If Eiji found out he agreed he’d be immensely upset, rattling on and on about how sometimes kids needed to be told when things weren’t okay. Sing wasn’t going to take no for an answer, though. Even if Eiji had been here, trying to convince Sing to back down, he wouldn’t. Ash saw the same gritted teeth look of determination he’d always seen in Shorter before he got in a fight. He didn’t have much of a choice, especially after Lao walked out because of him. 

Later, he was sitting at a windowsill, staring down at the street, the birds. Anything that moved. Eiji always liked to say he was people watching, or utilizing the windows like TVs like cats did. Eiji would sometimes join in, pointing out a nice looking dress, umbrella, or a type of bird he hadn’t seen before. Sometimes he’d point out people walking their pets, talking about how he’d like a dog like that when he got situated. He’d always ask for Ash’s opinion, always talk about it as, “ _ When we get secure- _ ”, “ _ When we get back to Japan- _ ”, “ _ Maybe when we have a house- _ ”, like it was natural for him to assume Ash was a permanent fixture in his life. Ash wished he was able to think that way again, hoping for the long off future. All he could do was hope that he lived to see the next day. He wanted the wonder of being able to have  _ whens _ and not  _ ifs _ . 

Cain walked in. He wanted to know why Ash agreed to fight Sing. He told him the truth, saying that he saw the reckless dive in his eyes. It had been the same gaze he kept meeting in the mirror all these years. The same one that drove Shorter to street fights over someone yelling out that he or Ash was a fag. He didn’t want to agree but Sing wouldn’t have taken no for an answer. He asked about if he was going to see Eiji. He’d been shot in a bad place, Ash knew that! He couldn’t do anything, though and it made him shake. If he went to check on Eiji, he’d be found out and Eiji would get caught up in his reputation as a criminal. He couldn’t do that to Eiji. At some point he’d stood up and Cain looked down at him with a frown, concern written clear as day across his face.  _ I guess even you fall apart sometimes _ . He was always falling apart, every second dragging a piece of him away as the time ticked on and on. He’d just had years of figuring out how to hide it in experience. He was too tired to keep it all together anymore. 

Lao. Lao saw what he was. He knew what Ash thought of himself as. He agreed. It was true, wasn’t it? He was just a sick, repulsive, monster. That’s all he ever was, after all. Cain didn’t think so. He thought Ash was torturing himself, trying to convince himself he was terrible when he did good things. Ash felt a pang of guilt drop down to the pit of his stomach as he heard him tell him he believed in him. He shouldn’t. The sounds of his footsteps echoing away felt like it took forever. Ash held his breath. Once Cain was gone, he allowed himself to crumple down, hands clenched hard in his shirt. He needed to have a grip on something.He hoped Eiji could forgive him for not being there to help him, to stay by his side. If Eiji died because of him, he wouldn’t know what to do. He’d become a gentle constant for so long, and their path felt like it had been ripped in half, and he was rapidly parting ways. Ash would give anything to be in Eiji’s shoes instead. He hadn’t believed in God in so long, but he  _ prayed _ that whatever heard him would take mercy on them. 

The rest of the day was spent planning and going over building plans, Ash pointing out where they could escape, what routes to take, and making sure they all knew when they were heading out. They received some less than savory pictures of their fellow members suffering, a particular picture of Max tied up making Ash vomit at one point. They had to get there fast. Later, he got Fly to bring over supplies, paying him with some of the money he’d saved. They all started prying open the boxes, grabbing what they could comfortably carry. That’s when a car horn went off, drawing his attention. Blanca. Why was he here?  _ Want to hire me? _ He’d been fired? Yut-Lung fired him. He wasn’t under contract. Ash didn’t take kindly to the fifty million dollar price tag tease, barking out expletives until Blanca raised his hands, placating. Five hundred and a meal was fine. He could do that. Probably. He brushed it off saying they needed another driver anyway. They didn’t, but it was at least enough to get Blanca to drive him there. However, Blanca was going the wrong way. Ash sat, fidgeting as they pulled up to a stop. Eiji was hospitalized here. Cops checked at midnight on the dot. Blanca handed him a long white coat, telling him to go. _ This may be the last time you get to see him _ . He didn’t want to be reminded. 

His steps felt heavy as he approached the building, slipping in easily. No one bothered him, the place near deserted anyway. Then he stood in front of Eiji’s door far too quickly. He didn’t want it to be over. If he never looked in, if he never opened the door, it wouldn’t have to end. This long summer, bright and airy, would come to a close, nosediving straight to cold, unfeeling, heavy winter. The time ticked. He had to see him one last time. The door opened with barely a creak. He was hooked up to several machines, looking to be asleep, tucked under the hospital sheets. He’d caused this. Blanca was right. He was only going to hurt Eiji if they continued on like this. The tears fell freely, his breathing stuttering as his shoulders hitched. He was glad Eiji was asleep and didn’t have to deal with him again. He didn’t deserve that. The time finally came. He had to say goodbye.  _ Sayounara _ . His pronunciation was off, his voice feeble. The room was quiet, still. He looked upon Eiji once more, committing each and every one of his smile lines to memory. Then he turned away, heart aching with every step he took. 

He was out in the hallway when he heard it. Footsteps behind him. His name muttered out slowly. Eiji was holding onto the doorframe, face contorted in pain and confusion. Ash ran forward, telling him to stop moving. He couldn’t get hurt because of him again, he couldn’t allow it. Eiji needed to get back to his bed, away from Ash and safe. They reached out for each other as Eiji started losing his grip, asking where he was. He couldn’t see. Ibe and Charlie were down the hallway. Eiji heard them first, eyes widening and watering up quickly.  _ Ash, go or you’ll be caught! _ He didn’t want to. Eiji needed to get back to bed, he needed to wipe Eiji’s tears away and tell him it would be alright.  _ Go! _ Eiji didn’t want him here. He needed to leave. He tried holding back his tears again to no success as he ran down the hallway, hearing Eiji tell Charlie not to go after him. He needed out, he couldn’t breathe, it was all too much and he didn’t notice he was in the car until they were halfway to the complex. Blanca didn’t bring up his red bleary eyes, just offered him a box of tissues. The silence was suffocating. He dozed off before he knew it. 

Next he knew, he was on the grass in the fields outside the facility. Blanca was getting his weapons ready, reloading and packing. He told Ash to stay still, lest his wound open back up. He needed to go. He hadn’t shown Blanca the pictures yet. They still caused his stomach to twist, but Blanca just winced. They were trying to keep the others safe. Blanca wondered what the next step was. That’s where Jessica came in. They were going to send the data live, let it out via News Week in the coming days and let Golzine and the rest be in disarray while dealing with the fact that there were now several reporters who knew. They were going to kill the hostages regardless of if they got the data or not. At least, this way they had surprise on their side. It was still risky. Ash knew that. He didn’t need Blanca reminding him. 

Golzine’s cars showed up exactly as planned, braking when they got to the barricade. Then their guns started blaring, the windows of the cars getting shattered one by one. Ash got in his place, seeing Golzine hunkered down with one of his guards protecting him. The guard went down and Ash took his chance, pressing the barrel against his wrinkled head. The man had the audacity to tell him he was being bold, foolish. Brave words for the likes of him. He traded off some scathing words with Blanca, who only smiled and returned them back before they started walking back to the building. The lobby was the same as it had been before, blindingly white and polished. He told the doctors scattered around to bring Mannerheim to him. Instead, he got Foxx, walking down the stairs like he owned the place. The sight of him still disgusted him, but he got through it, telling the man to release the hostages. Before Ash could do anything, Foxx pulled out a gun and shot twice into Golzine. The man fell to the floor, blood staining his suit. Shutters cascaded down against the windows. He was locked in without his bargaining chip. 

He was forced onto his knees, his hand behind his back as Foxx taunted him and Golzine. Dino as someone he’d bested and Ash as something he’d won. When he leaned in to cradle his chin, Ash couldn’t help spitting in his face, a sense of pride burning in him as Foxx kicked him for it. He pressed his boot into his face and it took Ash everything not to kick up at him. He needed to get back at him later. He still couldn’t stand Foxx’s delusions that Ash would be the head of Golzine’s corporation, much less stay there. He played dead, waiting for when he had the upper hand as a few guards dragged him away. They brought him upstairs, to a hanger, strapping him into a seat in the helicopter. Now. 

It was hard, but he managed it, grabbing up his confiscated guns and a few other things he could need, and running off down a hallway to catch his breath. He ran more after, thinking back to the blueprints. He wanted to get to where the new wing was being built. He sat and waited, and luckily Dr. Mannerheim came forward like a moth drawn to flame. Ash slipped forward, pressing the pistol to his back. The man scrambled, telling Ash that he’d testify with the evidence in the suitcase if he let him live. Might as well let him believe it. He led him across the bare bones structure, knowing full well it was a risk. It was over quickly for him, Foxx appearing behind them and shooting a single bullet into Mannerheim. The man fell limp. A helicopter hovered behind Foxx, kicking up dust as Ash quickly ran behind a beam. THe machine gun blared, loud, as Ash dodged ricocheting bullets, ducking behind steel beam after steel beam. After a minute, he heard a single shot go off and the helicopter starting listing, crashing down below in a bright burst of fire. Blanca. 

Ash ducked once more as Foxx started firing at him, firing back all the same until he got himself to where he didn’t know where he was. He had no more bullets, so he looked around, his eyes catching on a lead pipe, picking it up when the guns were loudest so he wasn’t found out. He just had to wait for Foxx to get in position and when he did he struck down with the pipe, knocking the gun out of his hand. He quickly reared back again, swinging to cause him to back away from his gun, the man flipping back and grabbing up another pipe that had been on the concrete. Foxx brought up the time they’d met before and Ash gritted his teeth, unsure if he was imagining tasting blood or not. He wouldn’t psych him out. This was it. They swung a few more times before Ash let go of his pipe, using Foxx’s as a jumping board to kick up at his face. He missed, Foxx kicking him to the ground and pushing him against the toolboxes, the pipe held at his throat. He wasn’t a whore. His fingers clutched at the pipe as his breathing slowed. 

Somewhere on a lower level, an explosion rang out, shaking the buildings. Ash took the chance to push the pipe back against Foxx’s face and to try scrambling away. He got back up soon after, his face bruised and nose bloody, a cracked smile across his face. He pulled out a box cutter, twisting it into Ash’s shoulder as he once again got on top of the boy. It hurt, but Ash needed to get through it. He ran his free hand along the ground next to him, landing on a drill. He could use that. He switched in on, plunging it into Foxx’s chest as the man still twisted the box cutter inside him. They stayed there in their stalemate for a minute, both of them trying to conceal their pain before Foxx finally fell limp. 

Ash shirked him off him, the drill exiting his body making a disgusting noise. He winced at the knife still in his shoulder, pulling it out and applying pressure. Then he heard Sing. He was a few stories down. Ash barely thought as he raced down the stairs, grabbing up Sing’s hand at the last second. He needed his other hand. Sing held the suitcase.  _ Drop it _ . He wasn’t letting another kid die on his watch. Once both his hands were clasped in Ash’s, he started lifting before the click of a gun alerted him to Foxx behind him. He offered to let Ash live if he dropped Sing. He would never. Sing told him to go ahead and drop him and a little bit of Ash broke off hearing the fourteen-year-old so easily say that, as if it were nothing. Then there was a shot and Ash braced for an impact that never came. Foxx’s body fell with a dull thud and Ash quickly pulled Sing up, turning to see - Dino. Fucker was still alive. His gun was now trained on Ash. He stood for a moment, before falling over the side of the complex, down into the flames below. He wanted to keep Ash from feeling the satisfaction of killing him, making his life hell even to the last breath. 

Sing was right. He’d be nothing but ash before long. It didn’t bother Ash that much. Sing started asking why he saved him and Ash told him to forget it. Forget all this bullshit. Forget the fight, forget Banana Fish, none of it mattered anymore. Sing hadn’t even wanted to fight him. He’d just thought that would make everyone happy. Blanca showed up soon after, hauling them out before the fire was found out. For good measure, they kicked Foxx into the flames as well, Ash enjoying the feeling of knowing he wouldn’t hurt anyone else ever again. Then they were off after a quick first aid check, Ash passing out in the car. 

The next week before the news was officially released was a blur. He made sure to text Max once his report and findings were published, hoping he would like the pig emoji. The news and populace were in an uproar at the scandal, shock coated every word said on air. Ash couldn’t really share the sentiment, so he walked past it all to get to where Blanca undoubtedly was. He always used to read at this one specific park bench. To no surprise, he was there, a book open under his thumb as Ash sat next to him. He handed him the money, all five hundred and fifteen bucks of it. Blanca was leaving today to go back to the Caribbean. He asked about Yut-Lung and Ash poked fun at him. Sing was fine looking after him. He wouldn’t kill him, he was far too soft, but if Ash had been in his shoes, he might not have been so lenient. Yut-Lung had spent so long trying to kill Eiji and Ash wasn’t going to forget that anytime soon. He wouldn’t seek him out, as long as Yut-Lung kept his distance so would he. He wasn’t the type to do that. 

He brought up how Eiji was going back tomorrow. Ash hadn’t seen him since the night of the fire. He was scared. He’d always brought Eiji into danger by just being around him. Eiji didn’t need that in his life. He felt he’d always known, just was too stubborn to accept it. When they met, Eiji hadn’t even been worried about asking to see his gun, even knowing who he was. At first he thought the boy was just odd, but after time he realized it was. Different when it came to him. A single smile from him was enough to light up a room, a single call for dinner from the other side of the apartment enough for Ash’s heart to flip over in his chest. He made him feel like he was able to care and be cared for. However, Ash had been made to kill, made to hurt for so long and the longer he basked in Eiji’s energy, the more he realized how much of him was rotten. His body moved automatically to kill and it  _ scared him _ . It also shamed him, knowing Eiji cared for someone who could do such things, whose body reflexively hurt those around him. He couldn’t see him again. He was still his  _ best friend _ , even if they never saw each other again. He was allowed to care about him. 

Blanca offered to bring him to the Caribbean with him. He just wanted to fill the void. It wasn’t like him. He declined, bidding farewell to him with a handshake. Then he walked off to enjoy the cold weather. It was a bit of a trek back to the apartment. 

The next day, he went to the library, enjoying his free time by reading. The watch he’d laid out on the table ticked onward ever closer to when Eiji’s plane took off. Then Sing came up to him in a loud outfit that hurt to look at. They stepped outside for a minute to talk. The letter’s penmanship didn’t seem like something Eiji would do, but leave it up to Eiji to surprise him. Sing was throwing a fit because he wouldn’t go see Eiji off. He was his  _ friend _ . That was why he couldn’t go. He was scared that if he saw Eiji he’d hug him and never let go. All he was riding on right now was being unable to see the boy. If he could, he’d crumble and retreat back into his gentle, loving arms. He couldn’t let Eiji get wrapped up with him again, wrapped up in killing. Sing offered to give Eiji a message for him, but Ash said nothing. There wasn’t anything to say. All Ash wanted to communicate was too much for just a simple message. Sing ran off shortly, after calling him an idiot. He deserved it, he guessed. 

He sat down on a bench, deciding to open the letter. He could still read it, couldn’t he? The first thing he pulled out was a ticket to Japan.  _ Ash, I’m worried to death because i haven’t been able to see you doing well. _ A pang of guilt resonated in Ash as he winced. The letter read on and on about how Eiji didn’t regret coming to America. Ash couldn’t really blame him. He hadn’t gotten to Ash yet.  _ You asked me many times if you scare me. But I never felt scared, not even once. Never since we met.  _ Ash found that hard to believe but deep down, he felt a warmth spread, comforting in the winter’s day. It felt like a little piece of Eiji was here. He supposed there was.  _ Actually, I always felt that you are hurt, much more than me - that your spirit is wounded. _ He could say that again. Ash still scrubbed too hard in the shower, desperate to be clean and never achieving it.  _ Funny, huh? I know you are much smarter than me, and bigger, and stronger - but even so - I always felt like I had to protect you.  _ That was something they both shared. Ash knew. Ash felt something loosen in his chest, his eyes stinging.  _ I wonder what it is I wanted to protect you from. _

He needed to get to Eiji. He needed to make it before the flight. Danger be damned, that wouldn’t matter in Japan. Even if it did, they would get through it, Ash knew. He started running, letter clutched tightly in his hand. Then it all came crashing down fast and hard. The knife was in his abdomen now. Lao had stabbed him, and was chastising him for letting his guard down. Before he knew it, he’d shot him, clutching his side where the blood was as Lao fell backward. Sing hadn’t told him the fight was called off. It didn’t matter anymore. The letter was on the sidewalk. Ash hurried to pick it up, wincing through the pain. It was precious, special. It was proof that Eiji wasn’t just some fever dream. He stood once again, limping back to the library. He wanted to sit where Eiji sat, wanted the connection even if he couldn’t be with him anymore. 

  
_ I wanted to protect you from fate. The fate that tries to carry you away, drifting further and further _ . Ash wiped his eyes. It was too much.  _ You told me once about a leopard you read in a book, how you believed that leopard knew it couldn’t go back. And I told you you weren't a leopard, that you could change your destiny _ . He remembered that day. They’d apologized for fighting, and gazed out across the city together in the lowlight. Ash always remembered how Eiji had steeled his eyes before telling him that. He had been so serious like he truly believed in what he said. Eiji’s belief in things was infectious, Ash knew.  _ You’re not alone _ . He was now.  _ I’m by your side _ . He wasn’t.  _ My soul is always with you _ . There were bloodstains and tears dappling Eiji’s letter. He felt sorry he’d ruined it. The burning guilt almost hurt worse than the fresh wound. He hoped Eiji could live long and happy after this. That's all he wanted anymore. If they met in some afterlife where Ash was free, he’d be glad, but he was content with just knowing Eiji was going to be alright. He laid his head down. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ty for reading have a good morning/day/night, prioritize self care and prioritize ur own health!! comments r v nice so if u have anything to say pls do!! :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ash wakes up in the hospital surprised that hes alive. he gets a few visitors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hihi!! a bit shorter bc like. im still moving n rlly busy so i snuck a lil bit of time to write in between everything for the past couple weeks but !! new story formatting !! now we're really in it scoob ^^' also yes i made charlie quit being a cop. yes its bc we have the same name and i dont want to write someone with my name bein a cop. yes this is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. hope u enjoy!! :D

He was cold. That was all he knew. The slight beeping noise came into focus, shrill against the noises of a busy building. He was alive. Fuck. This wasn't what was supposed to happen, he was supposed to die and keep Eiji safe,  _ why was he still here _ , breathing stale air into rattling lungs. His arms lay stiff by his side, fingers subconsciously gripping the bed sheets. His body felt heavy, sluggish, tired beyond compare, as his mind raced. He heard voices coming closer and instinctually stilled before remembering he couldn't move anyway. The only words he caught were “send” and “visit”, and the blood in Ash's veins turned to ice.  _ Please don't be Eiji.  _ The thought of Eiji finding out about how Ash clutched onto his letter as he died filled him with dread. He was going to blame himself,  _ oh god, _ he was going to think he caused Ash to die. What was he thinking, Eiji  _ can't _ , Eiji needs better than that,  _ why _ did he ever think it was a good idea? The door clicked open and shut. Footsteps cleared a path to presumably a chair. Too heavy to be Eiji's. 

“Well, Ash. You lived.” the voice of Max, rough around the edges, echoed into the empty room. There was a pause, a lull where he guessed Max was observing his vitals, or maybe going over his case file or some shit journalists do. “You know, you and Griffin are shockingly similar, Aslan.” Ash's thoughts froze at his brother's name coming out of Max's mouth.  _ No, we’re not _ . Ash wanted to argue but his body wasn't responding. “You both always were willing to put yourselves in harm's way, just to protect others. It got Griff killed. It almost got you too.” his voice was solemn, Ash could only imagine him propped up, arms crossed, lecturing him. “That doesn't mean it's right, just that both of you have this protective streak. It's self-destructive, however, and isn't healthy for either of you. Would you believe me if I told you you could protect someone without jumping in front of a gun? You'd probably say something like ‘ _ Obviously! You dumb old man!’ _ and shrug it off, but you don't like thinking about it that way, I don't think.” his voice lilted in a shitty interpretation of how Ash sounds. Another round of silence followed, Ash's thoughts running amok. He didn't. “Did you ever think about Eiji finding you Ash? Me maybe? Little Sing upon finding out his brother stabbed you?” there was another drawn-out pause where Max sighed and, what sounded like, rubbed his face. “I don't think you did. I think you might have been too caught up in this thought of, maybe if you were dead you could protect them. I don't need to tell you that that belief is wrong. On top of you probably already know it somewhere in your smartass brain,” he chuckled lightly, voice hoarse, “Eiji’ll sure as hell drill it into you when he gets here to lecture you.” Ash bolted up in the bed, scaring the man who seemed to drop a pen and paper, twisting into an awkward position. 

“Eiji's coming? I thought he went back to Japan?” Ash spoke for the first time and was still put off by how scratchy his voice was. Max slowly uncurled, a slight smile gracing his features as he picked up his belongings again. 

“He did, but you  _ did _ almost die Ash. Why wouldn't he come back for you?” he spoke with a confidence Ash felt he was undeserving of. Eiji shouldn’t come back, he’d only put himself in danger if he did. Even so, Ash felt like he’d wait an eternity if Eiji said he was coming, patiently awaiting the Japanese boy’s arrival astutely. 

“He’ll get hurt.” his voice was a bit shaky, practically having to choke out the words beyond the lump in his throat. Max’s smile faltered, leaning forward in his seat toward Ash. “All I bring to my-” he swallowed thickly, “To people I care about, is danger. And pain.” Ash couldn’t look at Max as he spoke, he couldn’t, so he focussed on his hands clutching the hospital sheets sharply. Max sighed. 

“Ash, do you remember how you felt when Griffin left when you were a kid?” Ash looked up, a flare of bright hot anger whipping under his skin. Of course he did, he felt like he was being abandoned, left behind carelessly to fend for himself by his brother he’d depended on. It had only gotten worse when the coach had looked at his vulnerable state and took advantage of it, little Aslan looking at the letters Griffin now sent in contempt. He remembered reading them while tears gathered in his eyes as he sat in the bath, trying to ease his pain in the now pink tinged water. The anger turned to pure sorrow over the years, Ash wanting to do anything just to get him back, just so Griffin could hug him like he did before, telling him it was going to be okay, even if they both knew it was a lie. “You’ll only hurt him and the people you care about by thinking you know what’s best.  _ Especially _ if you think what’s best is to let yourself bleed out.” 

They sat in silence for a moment, Ash pausing, hands still crumpled in his sheets, frozen as he processed the words.  _ Thinking _ he knows what’s best? Wasn’t it what was best? Eiji finally getting an out, being able to leave behind Ash and his problems? He knew him dying would hurt Eiji, he’d hoped it wouldn’t be that bad, but Max made it sound like Eiji would have been kept awake for years imagining what-ifs and drifting through life lackluster. Because of him. His decision he thought was the only way. Max cleared his throat, leaning in as Ash finally glanced back up at him. 

“You can think about it later, kiddo. I have to be going soon, but i need to tell you,” he wiped a tear Ash hadn’t realized was there off his cheek, “Charlie and I are gonna bust you out of here before the cops take you out, alright? We’re just going to need a couple more hours and we’ll get you out tonight.” Max had a slight smile, wrinkles appearing in the corners of his eyes. He leaned back once again, hands on his hips as he stretched. “Well! Take care son! Don’t be a handful for the nice doctors, you hear?” Max waved his finger, Ash immediately scrunching his face in annoyance. He laughed at his expression, giving him a final wave as he left the room, the door closing with a soft click behind him. 

Ash only had a brief moment of silence before the door opened again, Jessica bustling past the nurse who was trying to come check on Ash’s IVs. “Don't knock her over, old lady!”, Ash chastised to a glare from Jessica. The nurse, Anne, her name tag read, was patient though, humming softly as she checked the levels in the bag, nodding once and starting to switch it out with a new one. Jessica waited patiently as she performed her task, humming as she screwed the tubes to the new bag. Anne nodded once she was done, and left to give them privacy. The room was quiet for a moment as Jessica held her hands together in her lap. 

“I don’t know what Max said to you, but I’m here to tell you he’s the stupidest man I know.” her voice was steady even though Ash could see the tension in her frame. She clicked her teeth and turned to Ash, the chair shifting with her. “But, even if he doesn’t say it, he loves you and so do I.” her eyes were trained on him and they had an intensity that made Ash want to shrivel away from what felt like an all-knowing gaze. Both of them were silent. “Did you ever have a mother, Ash?”

“No.” his voice was dull, and it cracked with a single word. She pursed her lips, obviously unhappy with his answer. 

“Well, then let me teach you a thing or two about what mothers  _ do _ .” her voice was matter-of-fact, and she cleared her throat simply. “Mothers care about their children, even when they do  _ stupid _ things like bleeding out in a  _ library _ , yes?” She waited for him to nod slowly before continuing. “Mothers also help guide their children into doing better once they’re out of bad situations, help and stay with them while they’re figuring things out. They provide a comfort, a safety net of someone who is steady, warm and caring. They want their children to have the best life they possibly can.” The clock on the wall ticked loudly. 

“Why are you telling me this?” he already knew. He knew, but he didn’t want to think about it. She huffed, crossing her arms haughtily. 

“Goddamnit Ash, it’s because I think of you as my kid! And it’s hard to see this shit happen!” she barked out, lowering her gaze as Ash barely flinched. “Sorry. It’s just… a lot.” She uncrossed her arms, her hands going back to being clasped in her lap. Her red nail polish was chipped. “You know how when you told me you would’ve been dead by now if you took as long as I did to recover from it?” She paused, swallowing before exhaling slowly. “I thought,  _ Hey, this kid did it better than me _ . And then my next thought was that he shouldn’t have had to. It led to so much, but all I know is that in that moment, I wanted to be there for you. I wanted to help. Because you act like you’ve recovered but...  _ have you really Ash _ ?” He thought he had. He’d clung onto that for years, having the reliability of knowing that he recovers quickly. He knew Jessica had gone to a therapist back in LA. She knew the ins and outs of actual medical and mental recovery. She didn’t think what he’d done was okay. 

“Yeah? I mean, I’m not shaking am I?” He was, but his hands clutching the sheets hid it. She squinted her eyes, her withering gaze falling onto him like a cold bucket of water. Not well enough. 

“How many times a week do you have nightmares, Ash?” He stilled. 

“Four-ish times? I don’t know what that has to do with it, old lady.” She knew he knew, it certainly did mean something, and it had everything to do with it.

“How many times do you check under the bed, around corners, and ensure that everything is locked each night?” 

“At least three times.” It was at least four times but she didn’t need to know. 

“How many times a week do you feel like you look in the mirror and don’t recognize the person staring back at you?” 

“Every day.” He hated mirrors. They were quiet for a moment, the air still. 

“That’s not recovery Ash. You’ve barely scratched the surface of it.” She sighed, scooting the chair and herself closer to his bed. “I want to be able to watch you actually recover, Ash. I want to witness the first time you’re able to walk into and sleep in a room without checking the perimeter three or four times. I want to help you get better, and be there for you like your mother never was.” She said it all so fancifully, like it was wonderful. Ash hadn’t known that in so long. He couldn’t imagine it. 

“And if I say no?” 

“Well, Ash, you know how stubborn I am.” She smiled as she spoke, tilting her head to look at him once again. He swallowed. It was better than nothing he guessed. “Anyway, I didn’t come here to lecture you. Quite the opposite actually! I just wanted to congratulate you on surviving!” She had a bounce to her voice now, happy and lively. 

“Thank you?” His energy was subdued compared to hers but she smiled even wider when he replied. A little part of him warmed as she visibly got happier. 

“It’s no problem, Ash!” She waved her hand. “Oh! I also wanted to tell you! Max said you know that kid Skip right?” 

“Skip? Isn’t he dead?” Ash didn’t want the reminder of the kid’s blood on his hands. Jessica could practically see him spiralling as she shushed him.

“No, no, he’s not dead! Shorter was able to get him to a doctor apparently. His vitals had barely been missed, though. He’s a lucky kid!” Why hadn’t he told him? “He’s been trying to keep his distance a bit, but we ended up bumping into each other while we were both trailing you.” Ash was following mostly, up until the last part, alarms practically ringing in his head as he processed her words. 

“You were both trailing me? Do you realize how dangerous that is?” Ash was incredulous, sitting up so quickly he felt a jab of pain where his bandages covered his right side.

“Now, now, don’t get your shit in a twist there. We were fine.” She shook her finger at him, voice teasing. “He ended up taking a liking to me, and he’s been living in my hotel room with me! He usually sleeps on the couch, but last night he said he wanted a hug and just kinda… fell asleep there?” She fiddled with her hands. “He told me he wished he could have me as a mom and I kinda might have told him I’d adopt him?” She spoke it all in a quick, rushed voice. Wait. What?

“You’re going to adopt Skipper?” Ash couldn’t process it all. 

“Well, I want to! He’s just a kid Ash!” She gestured around frantically. “I thought it might be nice, you know? He gets along well with Michael, too.” Her voice turned quiet. 

“If he already said he wants you as a mom, why are you talking to me as if you’re asking if it’s okay?” Ash furrowed his brow. She froze. 

“Well… He told me about how you kind of took him under your wing, so I thought it best if I told you about it.” The room was once again silent. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as it had been, but the silence still felt like it was pressing on both of them to speak. Ash burst out laughing first.

“You wanted my blessing?” He wiped tears from his eyes as his body ached from the force of it all. “Really, old lady?” Her face was bright red, and it only served to make Ash fall into another bout of laughter. 

“Do you or not?” She crossed her arms once again, waiting for a response. If Skip was with Jessica, Ash had a feeling he’d be safer than anywhere else. It was also good that Skip liked Jessica enough to tell her he wanted her as a mom. And he’d get to spend time with a kid his own age. 

“Why wouldn’t I?” Ash could practically feel the tension leave her frame as she sighed in relief. They sat in the silence, welcoming it after such a rollercoaster of a conversation. It felt oddly comforting. 

“Well, Ash, I have to go get some things sorted. Remember what I said alright? I’m here if you need me.” She stood, stretching her legs. Ash would be left alone soon. “Bye, Ash. Make sure to be gentle to yourself.” She waved her hand quickly and the hospital door once again shut. The room was quiet once more. He was left to think. 

Eiji was going to come here, to him. He knew that Ash had almost died. The thought in and of itself was enough to make Ash want to curl up and disappear. He knew Eiji dealt with too much because of him. He’d heard him late at night when he couldn’t sleep, sobbing under his sheets as he shook. Sometimes he’d quiet down and go back to sleep. Other times he’d look over or come over to check on Ash and then go back to sleep. Then there were the times he’d sling his legs over his bed and sit there for a while before getting up to start doing something,  _ anything _ . When Ash would ask about it, Eiji would get a clipped smile on his face and tell him not to worry, that it was nothing. It wasn’t nothing and they both knew it in the way Eiji’s shoulders tensed whenever Ash asked about it. He didn’t want to be the source of his pain any longer. 

Max’s words from earlier caught up to him. Would him dying have hurt Eiji that badly? Now that he thought about it, it was stupid of him to have thought it would help in the long run. He was just so caught up in the suggestion that if he hadn’t been there, then everyone would have been alright. And he was still tired; everything ached terribly. A nap wouldn’t hurt. The bright white of the hospital room made his eyes hurt anyway. 

The next time he woke it was to Jenkins sitting in his room next to Max and Charlie, who both looked appropriately apprehensive. They fucked up, of course. 

“Ash, I’m sure this wasn’t your idea.” His voice was the same as it had been, a bit of melancholy tinging it slightly along the edges. He looked like he’d just gotten out of bed; deep eyebags and all. Ash looked to Max and Charlie, both of them pointedly ignoring the situation at hand. 

“It certainly wasn’t, Jenkins.” Ash reached up to rub his eyes, the sleep coming out easily. Once he had, everything seemed a bit clearer. 

“Well these two,” He gestured to Max and Charlie, “Were found trying to break you out of here.” He rubbed a hand down his face, sighing. 

“We’re just trying to keep him safe!” Max coughed out bitterly, eyes full of resentment. 

“And I get that Mr. Lobo!” Jenkins exhaled, exasperated. He clapped his hands together after a beat of silence. “Here’s the thing! We plan on making a deal with Ash here.” Ash squinted at the same time Max scoffed under his breath. He waved off Max, gesturing for Jenkins to continue. His life was already turning out wild for him at the moment, what with him being alive and whatnot; might as well. “It’s an offer, and you can honestly ask for more about it later once you have a lawyer, kid. But right now I’m going to pretend this,” He pointed around the room, “Didn’t happen, alright?” 

There were a few moments where nobody spoke. The rest of the people in the sterilized room waited for Ash to respond. Charlie was a ball of nervous energy, Max was trying to play it cool and Jenkins looked like he was about to pass out. As much as Ash loathed the notion of stepping foot in the lion’s den, his curiosity was piqued. It was a bad idea; every nerve in him screamed that it was a bad idea, but he couldn’t help if he wanted to look. He didn’t want to go back there, where officers took bribes and watched as innocent people broke down over something they didn’t do. He wanted nothing to do with it. He glanced once again at Charlie and Max’s poor state. If he didn’t agree would they be taken into custody? 

“If I check this out and don’t like what I’m hearing, will I have a head start?” Ash raised a finger, pointing at Jenkins. Max started, giving Ash an alarmed look. Jenkins just continued to look blankly. Maybe he could sleep standing with his eyes open. “You know, since I’m injured and all.” Ash gestured to his IV. 

“Alright. So you’ll come to see once you have a lawyer?” Jenkins spoke slowly, voice audibly slurred. Ash was a bit taken aback, but nodded anyway. He hadn’t expected the man to actually take him seriously. “Anyway I need to get back to sleep so please,” He raised a pointed gaze to Max and Charlie, “Don’t pull this stunt again.  _ Please _ .” They nodded wordlessly and he closed his eyes, exhaling deeply before stepping out of the room, the door clicking shut behind him. 

“Anyone want to explain why this is happening?” Ash turned his withering gaze to Max and Charlie, who seemed pretty interested in the tiles right now. 

“I fucking hate cops.” Max swore under his breath. Charlie made a noise of assent. 

“That’s not an answer for why you two got caught and for why _ I, _ ” Ash pointed to himself, “Am awake right now. When I should be  _ sleeping _ .” his words were pointed, drawing attention to his state of being hooked to several machines. He’d hoped Max would chicken out, or the cops would get here first but he’d done it anyway. 

“Listen it was Max, he yelled out because he stubbed his toe!” Charlie finally spoke, his voice uneasy. Max looked at him with an incredulous look, gasping as he prepared a rebuttal. Ash wasn’t going to get another wink of sleep for the night, was he?

After many accusations and many warnings from the both of them about making a deal with the cops, they finally left so he could rest. By that time, though, the sun was already rising and Ash didn’t feel tired anymore. He counted the birds that flew by his window. He kept losing count somewhere past fourteen. A pair of pigeons landed on his windowsill and sat there preening each other for a little while, before they flew off. It was comforting to watch, a nice familiarity that the birds of the city would still flock around regardless of what happens. The nurses would come in periodically to check his fluids and switch out bags when necessary, ask him if his pain was increasing or decreasing in severity, then nod and leave to inform the doctor. The doctor, a stocky young woman would only come in after about a couple hours or two, since he no longer was in direct danger. She was nice enough. At one point Max came back yielding a couple applesauce containers the doctors had cleared Ash to eat. 

“Why do I have to suffer, Max?” He was looking at the man, unimpressed as he held out a spoon filled with applesauce. Max rolled his eyes. 

“Well,  _ someone _ doesn’t want to lift his arms to eat the food the doctors  _ gave _ him.” Max sighed out, putting the spoon back in the just opened container. Ash glared daggers at the offending cup. 

“It doesn’t even have cinnamon in it Max. I have  _ some  _ standards you know.” Ash stuck up his nose, grinning as Max rubbed his temples. 

“Yeah, fuckin’ standards alright, you made a deal with the cops last night.” Max muttered. Ash cleared his throat and Max paused. 

“I was trying to keep a guy who already went to jail for punching a cop and a recent ex cop from going into custody!” Ash hissed out. He thought he had explained it well enough, but Max was still a bit miffed by his decision making. Max raised his arms, placating him. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it kid. I just don’t-” He looked like he was chewing a piece of rubber as he thought. “Charlie told me about some of the shit that went down last time you were interrogated. Why would you want to go back?” Max raised his eyes to meet Ash’s. They both looked like hell frozen over. It was a perfectly fine question, given everything.

“I don’t  _ want _ to go back. What I _ am _ interested in is Jenkins saying I could add on to what they’ll do to get me on their evidence list.” Ash picked up the spoon, bringing it to his lips and swallowing despite everything. He was just thankful it didn’t have any crushed up meds in it. 

“You conniving little shit!” Max whispered harshly, a stupid smile on his face. Ash didn’t want to admit it, but he had to resist smiling along with him. 

“Now that you’ve wrangled the obvious answer out of me, will you  _ please _ go home? You look like shit.” Ash shovelled the rest of the food into his mouth, hoping it would get Max to leave. Then he saw that Max had a gleam in his eyes. 

“You just want me out of here before Eiji gets back, don’t you?” His voice was lilting, teasing and Ash wanted nothing to do with it. His cheeks still warmed despite his best efforts, though. 

“No.” Yes. Obviously. 

“Okay, okay fine then, be that way. I’ll take my leave.” Max grinned, ever wider, as he stood up from his chair. “On a serious note kid? Stay safe alright?” He grasped the door handle, looking back to give Ash another warm look. Ash looked away. 

“Alright, old man.” And then he was gone. Ash was alone again. He had chosen to go with the cops for that reason, to see how far he could push them. He did lie a bit though. He had a deep desire to see the regular faces he saw in his nightmares looking up at him, knowing he was going to doom them. Ash didn’t care if he knew that if they got bail or if they got enough money that they could all bust out, he wanted them to know how it feels to be stripped open and bare for everyone to see. To have their atrocities aired out to the public, to have people sneer at them, loathe them, just like he did. And he had learned from Max that they already started cracking down on Club Cod, and while Ash  _ was _ making a deal with the cops, he sure as hell didn’t trust them around those kids. He knew he wasn’t all sunshine and puppies, and those kids would never trust cops who acted all happy. Ergo, he knew they would trust him way easier than any undercover cop. He just needed what he wanted out of them, then he’d leave them and their backside bribes behind. Jenkins offering him a head start on running, even if it was a joke, was simply just the cherry on top. 

Ash woke up to someone holding his hand. Without thinking, he was already sitting up, alert before he even opened his eyes. He heard a slight chuckle, bated and clipped. Eiji’s voice. He practically pried open his eyes, wincing at the sudden light.There he was. Sitting in one of the hospital chairs beside Ash’s bed was Eiji, a heavy blanket draped over his shoulders as he held his hand. He looked to where he was holding on tight, seeing that Eiji was grasping him just as tight, as if he was afraid he would disappear if he loosened his grip even slightly. 

“You’re here.” His voice was small, hopeful, disbelieving. 

“I’m here, Ash.” Eiji looked to be blinking tears out of his eyes, beaming at Ash anyway. 

“You’re really here!” Ash pulled Eiji closer to wrap his arms around him, Eiji easily coming with, tucking his face into Ash’s shoulder. He felt him breathe in… and out, sighing deeply. 

“Of course I am.” He lifted his head to instead rest his chin on his shoulder. There was so much that needed to be said, so much that Ash wanted to tell Eiji, but for now he was enthralled with memorizing all the knots and knolls in the blanket Eiji had wrapped himself in. 

“You need to get this blanket washed. It smells like dust and it’s making my nose itch.” He pulled back, a frown on his face as he tried to get the cloying smell out of his nose. Eiji had the audacity to look at him, immediately looking as if he was holding in laughter. “Hey! Don’t laugh at me!” Ash whined weakly, not really meaning it. Eiji was finally here. For all that happened, he deserved a bit of laughter at his expense, at  _ least _ . 

“Sorry, sorry, your nose was scrunched up all cute!” Eiji let himself laugh fully, the sound ringing around the room. It was a welcome noise in the otherwise stuffy room. Eventually he quieted down, Ash still sporting a pout on his face. He smiled softly, gently, at him and Ash felt like his eyes were boring a hole in him. Eiji brought up a hand, wiping away something off his cheek with his thumb and Ash needed to leave, it was way too much, he felt he was going to die here if he didn’t run, but he couldn’t move while Eiji had him locked in place. “I’m glad you’re alright.” Ash swallowed, nodding as much as he could. He felt Eiji’s grip on his hospital gown tighten. “Please don’t do that again.” 

Ash felt cold, sharp guilt grow in his chest, feeling for all purposes like icicles that existed only to crush him. “Well, I’m fine now aren’t I, Eiji?” He spoke around the lump in his throat that threatened to bowl him over. Eiji looked at him with a sigh, his eyes closing after a minute before he rested his head on Ash’s collarbone. They sat there for a while, both of them practically choking on things they wanted to say. Ash could feel how Eiji was trying not to be tense, trying to relax, but his fingernails were ever present in Ash’s back, and he could almost imagine them breaking skin at this point. And Ash was trying to hide how his legs ached to run, how his heart wanted to jackhammer out of his chest. Eiji raised his head. 

“I know I’ve told you about your recklessness before, so you don’t need to hear it from me again.” Eiji fixed him with a look that said he thought he needed to. “Max told me it was nonlethal.” Ash held his breath. “Somehow Lao missed all your organs.” He felt a pang of dull pain from the bandaged area. “Yet you sat in the library, and laid your head down as if to take a nap, while blood soaked your clothes.” Ash couldn’t really say anything. Eiji was right. “Why?” Eiji’s voice was quiet, one hand clutching the hospital sheets as if his life depended on it. 

“I thought that maybe… if I was out of the situation that everything would be better.” Ash’s voice felt foreign in his mouth as he spoke, distant and odd. Eiji’s lips pressed together in a thin line. “And I was so tired, Eiji. I didn’t want to fuck anything else up for… anyone else.”  _ You _ was left unsaid, but they both knew it was there, quickly replaced by  _ anyone else _ . The atmosphere was heavy, suffocating as Ash waited for Eiji to just say  _ something _ . 

“Aslan, you stupid fucking boy.” Eiji hiccuped halfway through the sentence, his hands coming to clutch at Ash’s gown as he laid his head against his shoulder. The thin fabric left little to the imagination, quickly wetting Ash’s skin as Eiji crumbled into him. Ash could only bring his hands up to wrap around him, slowly, deliberately, as if he was afraid Eiji would jump away at any sudden movement. He held him there as his shoulders hitched, trying to wait it out while ignoring the heat behind his own eyes. “How many times do I have to tell you that you didn’t fuck anything up! It was my choice to stay!” Eiji was speaking into him, the flimsy hospital gown feeling like it would give way under his hands. Ash wanted to speak, to tell him how he's messed up, it would be so easy to ruin it, to save Eiji, convince him to leave Ash behind, but his mouth wouldn’t open. They sat there like that for a while, a nurse coming in and immediately walking out upon seeing them. Eventually Eiji seemed to have cried himself out, just sniffling into Ash as he just continued rubbing circles into Eiji’s back with his thumbs. 

“Would you have chosen to do things differently if you had known how things would end up?” Eiji’s voice was still thick with tears, even when he wasn’t crying anymore. “If you could have met me, and Shorter, and everyone else without all… this?” Ash didn’t really know. This had all been his life for so long, he didn’t know anything else. His gut instinct was no, because he’d still be a stain, but maybe… it would be fine. He’d be fine. 

If he’d known that all this would happen, he would’ve never known the cold feeling of a pistol in his tiny hands, and he would have stayed at home, clutching Griffin, who he’d managed to convince to stay. He would have never had to run away from the stifling community; from the old people who would have yelled and told him that he’d ruined everything just because he’d protected himself. There would’ve been no jeering from older kids at school who told him in hushed voices in bathrooms that if he would’ve just kept his mouth shut they’d still be able to play baseball this season, as if that was more important than the dead bodies rotting underneath the rose garden. Parents attending funerals for newly excavated bones wouldn’t have looked to him with scorn, hating him for proving their child wasn’t just simply missing, but instead that they’d been stolen, robbed of any life they could have lived. Nevermind all that, he would’ve never known the cold fear seeping into his bones at the sight of a run-down motel, the burning sensation spreading from where men in suits ushered him into the lobby, up the stairs, to the room with a dingy ceiling fan and cracked windows but a large, stained bed. He wouldn’t have learned how to hurt, to kill in order to survive, to keep anyone from taking advantage of him. 

“Maybe.” Was all Ash could get out, his thumbs pausing as he leaned his head against Eiji’s. “It’d be… confusing knowing what could’ve happened.” Eiji hummed in response, letting Ash think. 

“Do you know what I think about it, Ash?” He resumed his thumb circles, still staring off and thinking. Eiji leaned back, a slight smile gracing his features. “I think we can think about it later. We can just enjoy being together for now, alright?” The sun harshly glared down through the blinds that had been drawn while he was asleep, catching Eiji in the sharp lines of light. His hair glinted dark in the bright light, a few fly aways coming into view against the white of the room. His eyes didn’t really change all that much, but Ash felt he could slip and fall into them if he stared much too longer. 

“Okay, old man.” Ash was relieved at the change of subject, immediately taking his chance to poke at Eiji. He pouted, setting Ash with the familiar expression of teasing anger. “Also how are you recovering from the uh… whole thing where you were shot?” Eiji laughed nervously, pointedly looking away from Ash. “Eiji…” Ash warned. 

“Well, I’m mostly fine. I just. Still in a wheelchair.” His cheeks dusted red and Ash couldn’t resist from laughing. Eiji puffed his cheeks up, glaring at Ash. “It’s not funny Ash!”

“It’s a little bit funny, Eiji!” Ash held up his hands in mock surrender, finding it easy to smile along with him again. Eiji crossed his arms and huffed. “Eiji… I can see you’re still in a wheelchair, you fucking dork!” Eiji looked down, his cheeks flaring somehow brighter. 

“Shut up! I forgot!” His voice was grumpy as he playfully shoved Ash’s arm. It was gentle, always so gentle, and Ash felt something in his chest light up, feeling where Eiji touched as if it had been warmed just by him touching it. Eventually their laughter stopped, both of them tired, Eiji looking at Ash with an unreadable expression while Ash looked at the blanket adorning his shoulders again. 

“I-” Eiji was interrupted by Ash’s stomach growling, both of them straightening and pausing. Ash felt heat flood his cheeks as he saw Eiji squint his eyes at him. 

“Okay, okay, it’s not what it looks like!” Ash stammered through, Eiji still fixing him in place with a hard look. “All they’ve been giving me besides fluids through this,” he gestured to the IV, “Is unsweetened applesauce without cinnamon!” Eiji kept still, and Ash could feel how his palms grasped at the sheets, wanting to pull them over his head. Then Eiji broke, bright, loud laughter once again filling the small room. 

“Unsweetened applesauce?” Eiji said through tears. “Oh, Aslan, they’re treating you so poorly aren’t they?” He brought a hand up to wipe something off Ash’s cheek, patting it twice once he’d finished. 

“Eiji! It’s fuckin’ gross!” Ash made to bite at Eiji’s finger, pouting when he pulled his hand away quickly with a sly grin. 

“Would it make you feel better if I snuck you in some fast food?” Eiji leaned into him, whispering. “As a treat of course, only this time!” Eiji leaned back again, wagging a finger at him teasingly. Ash sighed, finding he couldn’t get the smile off his face, even if his cheeks fucking hurt from smiling. 

“ _ Please _ .” 

Eiji beamed down at him, hair a mess and cheeks still red. ”Of course.” 

Later on, once Eiji had returned, pulling out the cheap paper bag of greasy food out from under his blanket, both of them had taken their respective sandwiches, Ash’s a chicken and Eiji’s a burger. They ate, interspersing conversation about the hospital and the staff with odd looks Eiji had gotten at the airport back in Japan. 

“I mean, it’s not everyday you see this little nineteen year old come back to your airport not even three hours after arriving,  _ demanding _ to be let back on the plane back where he’d come from.” 

“DId you really make that much of a scene?” Ash wiped his face with a napkin, picking up a few fries and dipping them in the loose pile of ketchup Eiji has placed on his wrapper. 

“Oh of course I did, you know me. I was on the brink of tears, telling this one man who wanted me to wait a couple more hours, to get the stick out of his ass!” Eiji puffed his chest out, reaching over for the soda he’d gotten, taking a big swig. 

“You did  _ what?”  _ Ash almost spit out the fries he was chewing. 

“I did! I told him to shove it too! The only reason I was able to get on the flight was Ibe telling them I was on high doses of pain medication and I didn’t know what I was saying!” Eiji swung the drink in his hand as he talked. 

“Jesus Christ.” Ash muttered into his sandwich as he readied to take another bite. 

“I do have to leave in a week though.” Ash paused in the middle of his bite, looking over to Eiji who seemed to be in the middle of peeling off a sticker from his cup. “Hm. I got a coupon for a free small fry, Ash!” He held it up, grinning. “I already have a small fry though.” And with a cheeky grin he stuck the coupon to Ash’s forehead. 

“Very funny,  _ big brother _ .” Ash drew out the last words, watching as Eiji scrunched his face up. “You’re leaving in a week?” 

“Yea, I do still have to go back at some point. And my mom was… upset, to say the least when I came in the door, and went immediately out.” Eiji looked down at his burger, picking it up to take a bite. He winced at the offending sandwich. “You Americans and your fucking mustard, I swear!” he muttered angrily under his breath. Once he was done chewing, a smile came back to his face as he looked back up to Ash. “Well, we can spend the next week together, Ash! And maybe you can get a personal phone and we can call each other and text, and maybe video call each other and-”

“Yea, I get it. Maybe I could invest in a purely personal use phone.” Ash stared down at his sandwich, glaring holes in it. Eiji had to go back to Japan, he’d been trying for so long, but now that he was back Ash didn’t want him to leave. It was a weird amalgam of feelings inside him, opposites mixing and clashing without a rest. It all came to a stuttering start when Eiji placed his hand atop Ash’s, bringing Ash’s eyes up to look at him, a knowing smile adorning his face. 

“If you want, I can help you find a phone you’d like.” Ash felt like he was once again on the precipice of falling into Eiji, like he just has enough time to grab onto a handhold. Did he want to get away, or let himself fall? It could be nothing. It was just a phone, like Eiji said. Why did he feel like it was such a big deal?

“Alright.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoyed reading!! have a good morning/day/evening/night!! prioritize ur safety and well being !! comments r appreciated and welcomed in all forms!! :DDD


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a deal is made

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hihi!!! ik this took a while but .,.,. truth be told ive had a Time n had to take a break lmao also as a forewarning this chapter deals with police and cops bein Shitty (context if u need a refresher: ash is making a deal with the cops) so!!! also i may have gotten a 95% on my civics test in 7th grade but im shit at it so any scene from now on that involves law will be shaky at best.,. also i will be doing.,.,.,., copious amounts of research into the united states legal system which is exhausting but kdsbjkdjbngb Just Know if i dont get smth right.,..,, pretend thats just how it works im so tired also..,.,.,. sorry its only 7k :'D 
> 
> if u want to skip the cop/deal scene skip once u see + and come back in when it appears again  
> and if u want to skip ashs recollection of past csa/trauma skip once u see = and come back when it appears again
> 
> sorry for making this note so long but!!! this used to be titled forever and ever more and after some deliberation, ive decided to rename it color the sky (from handmade heaven by marina)!! so if u were confused sorry ^^'

“So, Ash, I heard from Max that you’re making a deal with the cops.” Eiji once again sat next to him after he had been forced to leave the previous night. Ash groaned, throwing his head back, exasperated. 

“Yes, I know. I shouldn’t trust them! They fuckin’ suck!” Eiji nodded along as Ash explained. “It was the middle of night and Charlie and Max were going to get arrested, what was I supposed to do?” Eiji hummed, tilting his head to the side, pausing before nodding slowly. 

“Any other reason, Aslan?” Eiji’s eyes met his and he could practically see Eiji analysing him, knowingly. He didn’t want to shrink away. The IV connected to his arm dripped, the machines behind him buzzing as they monitored everything. Ash swallowed thickly. 

“Well… Jenkins said they’d be willing to listen to my wants, so I could get them to clear my name. Maybe get a new legal identity. The basics, you know.” Ash aired his thoughts, grateful for the absence of Max and his prying eyes. Eiji made a noise of assent, and Ash cleared his throat. “I also might be in it for selfish reasons.” Ash looked to Eiji, knowing it sounded bad.

Eiji barely batted an eye before nodding, picking up one of the flowers he’d brought with him this morning, twirling it around in his fingers. “Everyone deserves to be selfish sometimes, Ash.” He laid the flower on Ash’s lap, the thick hospital blanket muting the feeling of Eiji patting his knee once, twice, three times before removing his hand. Ash was sure this amount of almost PDA was frowned upon in a hospital. 

“How can you say that with a straight face, bro?” Ash couldn’t keep handling the serious atmosphere, not here, not with Eiji. Not now, since they only had a week until he left. Eiji immediately bristled, face dusted red. Ash risked chuckling at him. 

“Have I ever told you how much I despise you calling me that? And your irritating little accent you have when you do it?” Eiji sighed, a smile on his face despite everything. “It makes me feel like I’m about to get mugged.” He crossed his arms haughty, pouting as he turned his head upwards and to the side. 

“Like you’re about to get mugged?” Ash smiled incredulously. “Really?”

“Yes! It’s like… I think I told Bones about it once, he said he usually said it felt like he was about to be hatecrimed? I think?” Eiji paused, lowering his head and arms down, lost in remembrance. Ash lost his shit. 

“Are you saying I sound like a frat boy?” Ash wheezed. The doctors were probably having a breakdown over his vitals, but he couldn’t find the energy to care. 

“Yes! Like I’m about to be shoved into a locker!” Eiji blushed even harsher as his arms flailed as he dug himself deeper. 

“I know you know what you’re talking about, you don’t have to keep using weird analogies, please!” 

“Like I’m about to be clocked and suggested a church group!” Eiji continued coyly, though eventually he receded into a gentle laughter alongside Ash. The doctors came in once to check on him, but left once they were sure his spike in heart rate was due to him laughing and not having a panic attack. They did eventually calm down, Eiji resting his head atop his arms that were crossed over Ash’s chest. Ash just did his best not to twirl his fingers through Eiji’s now easily accessible hair. Ash was enjoying the silence, the comfort in feeling Eiji’s familiar weight laying atop him, still breathing, still alive. “You never did answer my question.” Eiji’s eyes were shut, but it seemed as if his lips moved without him thinking. His eyes snapped open, expecting a proper response this time. 

“I told you, didn’t I?” Ash sighed, Eiji sinking into his chest. He rose with it as well, his eyes flitting about, looking over Ash. 

“You said something about one of the reasons being selfish and didn’t elaborate, Aslan.” After he spoke, a couple birds landed on the window outside. A couple pigeons, nothing much really. They cooed at each other, one picking a broken feather out of the others plumage before turning around so the other could do the same. Once they were both satisfied, they flew off together, leaving the feathers on the sill. 

“I might want to get them all locked up? That’s what it all boils down to, I guess. The cops want me as a walking, talking, piece of evidence and I’m willing to let them, as long as I can keep those politicians from continuing their shit.” He paused, chuckling lightly. “It’s fuckin’ stupid isn’t it? I know they’ll find a way out, they always do. They’ll bribe the right guard, get the best lawyers to twist the story on me and all the others. I just -” he looked for the words, sighing when he couldn’t find them. “I can’t keep letting them off the hook and running, Eiji.” 

“You need… closure then.” Eiji spoke, barely moving against Ash. He took a deep breath, taking a pause. Was that it? It couldn’t be that easy. He shrugged and Eiji rolled his eyes, a smile on his face. “That’s not a selfish want, though.” Eiji shifted his arm to poke at Ash’s cheek, it almost immediately reddening at contact. Eiji let out a huff of laughter through his nose. “Getting them to stay in jail will save kids, won’t it? So it’s not selfish to want them gone.” His finger poking turned into his hand cradling Ash’s cheek and his thumb was so close to his lips, Ash could feel the ghost of a gentle, tender touch and - he forgot what they were talking about. He turned his head away from Eiji’s hand, trying to think of anything but how warm and cared for he’d felt after just a couple touches from him. He heard the shuffling of Eiji retracting his hand. When he looked back to him, there was a slight apology in his eyes, though his smile still remained. 

“Well… Maybe.” Ash cast his eyes away again only for Eiji to click his tongue. “What?” He turned back to Eiji poking his nose again. “Fuckin’- shut up!” He pulled up the blanket scooting up the bed, leaving Eiji to slip off his lap and pout at him. 

“Ash! How dare you! I’m recovering from a gunshot wound and you’d leave me without my pillow?!” Eiji whined, pulling his blanket closer to himself. “Rude boy! As the older one here, I have the authority to ground you!” He pointed an accusing finger at him. Ash gasped loudly, mockingly bringing a hand to clutch at his hospital gown. 

“I’m eighteen! You can’t ground me anymore, old man!” Ash pointed back at him, Eiji only puffing out his cheeks and turning away with his arms crossed in response. 

He looked to be about to open his mouth to retort again when the door opened. Behind it was Jenkins, Max, and Charlie. He and Eiji shared a look, seeming to communicate several things. Do you want me to be with you? I’ll be fine. I don’t believe you. It’s alright, Max is here, if anything bad happens you can bite his head off later. Eiji side-eyed Max, looking him up and down with a neutral expression. He turned back. Fine. He shuffled back into his wheelchair, smiling sheepishly at the three men, somehow turning the sharp look he’d trained on them earlier into something soft. 

“I assume I’ll have to leave then. Nice to see you again Max!” Ash didn’t miss the pointed admission of the other two as Eiji started rolling over to them. 

“Ah, yes, sorry if we interrupted you two.” Jenkins spoke just as Max opened his mouth, the man flattening his mouth into a thin straight line. “Hopefully it will only be a minute to finalize some things, don’t worry.” 

“We’re trying to figure out an attorney situation.” Max butted in, Jenkins giving him a tert look before turning back to Eiji. Eiji nodded, glancing at Ash once more before making a move for the door. 

“I’ll just…”, he muttered a quiet ‘excuse me’, to them, the three parting ways to let him through. The door shut with a finality behind him and Ash already wanted him to come back. The four of them stood in silence for a few beats. 

“Well, as Max says, I’d advise getting a lawyer to help make the deal.” Jenkins was the first to break the silence, walking over and opening his laptop on one of the tables. “I have a list of free ones that the department would cover, but I have a feeling you wouldn’t want any of them, right?” Ash laid his chin on his hand, looking through his eyelashes at the man in a look he knew was unnerving. 

“Gee, I wonder. Would I like to have some stuffy man in a suit who takes back alley bribes from mafia dons represent me?” He tilted his head in a mock thinking look. Jenkins clicked his teeth, Max and Charlie now seated around Ash’s bed. “It ain’t rocket science, Jenkins.” 

“It sure isn’t.” he sighed, running his hand down his face. He looked down at the laptop with pity, shutting it quickly, concisely. “Max, you said you had a list of lawyers you think would help?” He waved to Max, the man pulling out a folder with a roll of his eyes. The folder ended up splayed out on the table with the laptop, unopened. It felt ominous, terrifying to look at. 

“Tim. Works mainly with victims who have killed their abusers, success rate in getting them aquitted is decent, has four kids and a husband at home.” Jenkins started reading off, pulling files from the folder. He looked to Ash for an answer. Ash wasn’t impressed. He commended the man for wanting to specifically help those who kill to survive, but he felt a burn rising in his throat. This was what Max thought he would need. He was being classified as a victim who’d killed his abusers. He wished he’d killed all of them. Maybe the nightmares would’ve stopped, though he knew it would make no difference. He shook his head no. 

“Mary. Appraised for her ability to bring out children’s testimonies. Doesn’t tend to stick to one type of case. Graduated from Harvard law in ‘92.” An older woman, knows how to get kids to talk. It stunk something awful to Ash and he quickly shook his head. He didn’t want to think about why the thought rubbed him the wrong way. 

“I think you’d personally want to work with this lady Pat. Old pal of mine. Kinda like you with… y’know.” Ash squinted his eyes at Max and he scoffed, “Yeah, yeah, don’t give me that look. Not to that extent, but I’ll have you know, she’s the best bet you’ve got to find a trustworthy person to represent you.” Before he was even done, Jenkins had pulled out her bio, and was scanning it. 

“Graduated a few years back, has mainly worked in protecting victims of abuse, tends to work with kids or teens because of her open nature.” It was all disjointed facts about this lady. Ash thought she was decent. He hadn’t met her yet - and really that would be the deciding factor. He still grimaced at the details of her protecting abuse victims and working with younger people, but it was more manageable than the previous. He shrugged and Jenkins looked at him unimpressed. 

“What?” 

“There’s only three in here.” He shot a withering glance to Max, who had the wherewithal to look sheepish. “Which one would you prefer? I’m assuming the last one.” 

“I would’ve added in George, but he’s still dealing with the pushback from you hopping parole.” Max sighed, clicking his tongue. Ash thought back to the bushy bearded man Max had wedged into getting Ash out. At the time he’d been irritated, only really agreeing because of Griffin’s death, not really caring one way or another how he got out, just that he did. He had been overall a decent man, nothing had stuck out to him as red flags. He allowed himself a moment to wince internally at the amount of paperwork and time it would take him to fully bounce his reputation back into place. 

“So when are we going to have a talk with this lady?” Ash got straight to the point, leaning his chin onto his hand. Jenkins mulled over it for a bit, pulling out his phone and sending off a few quick texts before glancing up at the clock on the wall.

“Thankfully, she’s free to speak with us today!” His lips spread into a clipped smile, tired but glad. “I just need to bring over another supervisor from the department and we can sort out the deal here if that’s alright with everyone?” He checked his phone once more before bringing his eyes to meet each of them one at a time, landing finally on Ash with a look that screamed that he was in the bargaining stages of grief. “Does one P.M. sound good for everyone?” It was eleven A.M. at that moment. Barely lunch. Ash nodded minutely, vaguely aware of Max and Charlie rushing to nod immediately after. He shot Max an annoyed glare that fizzled on the man’s sheepish expression. “I will take my leave then. Have a good lunch, all of you!” Jenkins handed the folder back over to Max after taking Pat’s section out, tucking it into his jacket pocket. The door clicked shut behind him. 

Almost simultaneously, Eiji entered once again, rushing to Ash’s bed and tutting over the situation under his breath. Ash only caught the word “fuck” and “tired” and smiled coyly at him, poking his cheek to get his attention. Eiji huffed at him, eyebrows furrowed in mock annoyance. “How was waiting outside Eiji?” Ash’s tone shifted completely, going from practiced and even with Jenkins to teasing and lilting at the boy in front of him. 

“A lady came up to me and told me that I couldn’t wait out in the hallway because I wasn’t family.” Eiji crossed his arms, the tips of his ears bright red as they peaked out through his hair. “The nerve of some people!” 

“Did you tell her off, Eiji?” He should’ve. Ash knew how stubborn Eiji was, especially when it came to Ash. He didn’t really get why half the time, but it was still adorable to watch Eiji get flustered. 

“No, one of the guards outside of the room did before I could.” Eiji somehow got more red, his cheeks puffing up. 

“Let me guess - was that more insulting than the lady’s remark?” 

“Of course it was Aslan! He didn’t even give me time to tell this woman I don’t know that, yes, I am most definitely entitled to be back here, that she is going to have to drag me kicking and screaming before I move a single muscle!” Eiji turned to look at Ash, eyes lit up while he went on his tirade. Ash’s lips softened into less of a teasing smile, more of a gentle, even fond look. “She left after that, apologizing profusely, but it’s still insulting, Ash!” 

“I can imagine it would be, Eiji.” A throat clearing had both of them looking up irritated at Max. He managed to look apologetic, running his fingers along the file. Eiji blinked, tilted his head, and reached his hand out expectantly. Max shook his head, but Eiji shook his hand insistently. “C’mon pops, just give him the folder.” Ash nodded at Max, who sighed and handed it over. He rubbed his temples as Eiji laid it atop Ash’s lap. 

“So these are the lawyers?” Eiji started running through them, flipping back and forth seemingly at random as he read. 

“Well, the one we ended up going with isn’t in there.” Eiji sat there with a concentrated expression as he read the files, nodding to show Ash he’d heard him. He pursed his lips, Ash shooting a concerned look at Max, who just shrugged. 

“This one seems fine, but I don’t think you could keep from making a joke that would definitely make him upset.” Eiji pointed to Tim’s paper. Charlie barked a harsh laugh, abruptly cut off by Max elbowing him in the stomach. 

“Do you really have that little faith in me?” Ash pouted. He was right, probably. Ash’s go to was to rile up people to see how they acted when they were angry. Usually it ended poorly for him, but sometimes it would just end with the other person getting upset. Like the time he’d made a joke about how modelling couldn’t be harder than kiddie mags and Eiji had froze. He didn’t want that again. 

“Yes Aslan! In that department you are unbearable.” Eiji stuck his nose up for a moment, before returning to his slouch with a laugh. “And this lady just seems suspicious.” He pointed to Mary’s paper. “She looks and sounds a bit like an old guidance counselor I had back in high school, who only really made things worse.” Eiji clicked his teeth, folding the papers back up in the folder. He waved it at Max, who took it easily. It didn’t seem Eiji wanted to talk about it with the others in the room, so Ash would have to put a pin in it. 

“Well, he already chose the other one, so all we have to do is wait for her, Jenkins and whoever he’s bringing from the office to make it an official deal.” Max tucked the folder into the bag he’d left on the chairs, sighing. “Didn’t think I’d have to sit in on one of these for the rest of my life.” He plopped down next to the bag, stretching and sighing as his joints popped. 

“Well you are now, so it doesn’t matter.” Ash stuck his nose up. He would never admit it but Max had become a standard in his life at this point along with Eiji. He’d found himself calling him dad less and less as a tease as they stayed in the same circle, and the thought was equally unnerving as it was oddly comforting. 

“Is this payback for getting caught by Jenkins?” Max ran a hand down his face, Charlie patting his arm as if he were consoling him. 

“Of course it is, you two woke me up in the middle of the night and forced me in between a rock and a hard place!” Ash snapped out, Eiji going back to leaning on his shoulder with a hum. 

“Fair enough!” Max raised his hands placatingly. He lowered them slowly, all of them sitting for a moment in silence in the sterile room. Ash felt Eiji shift to get closer to him, trying to get comfortable. He saw Charlie take the seat next to Max, staring at the clock with his knee bouncing. Max twisted the ring on his finger. 

“So!” they all looked up to him, “When’s the remarriage happening?” Max turned bright red as Ash grinned. 

“You little-!” He started, stopping abruptly and looking down at the ring. “Hopefully in a couple months, she still wants to redo the whole event.” 

“When are you sending out the rsvps?” Eiji’s voice was soft next to him. Ash recognized it as the voice he had when he was on the cusp of falling asleep. Ash nudged him a little in an attempt to wake him up more, but all that did was reinvigorate Eiji into making Ash his pillow. 

“You guys don’t need rsvps Eiji. I swear she’d probably rather kill you if you didn’t come.” Max chuckled, warm and weathered on the edges. “Which reminds me - Ash?” Ash looked up, meeting his eyes. “She wants you to help Michael be the ringbearer.” The room froze - for Ash at least. 

“What, can’t he walk down a ten-fifteen foot aisle by himself? How old is he?” Ash spluttered and Max laughed heartily. Ash could even feel Eiji laughing next to him, a bright trill. Charlie seemed to be the only one trying to hide his laughter out of the bunch. 

“He can do it alone! He just asked if you could do it with him.” Max brushed away nonexistent tears from his eyes, a hand balancing itself on his knee. Ash blanched. 

“He asked? For me to help? Why the fuck would he ask for me to help?” Ash could feel the skin on his neck heating up and Eiji was polite enough not to mention it aloud. 

“Of course the kid did - I mean Ash,” Max put out both his hands palm up, “Ya gotta know the kid’s imprinted on you. He keeps asking for you to come over and babysit him, for crying out loud!” Ash couldn’t comprehend any of that. He was Ash Lynx, for fuck’s sake! Feared gang leader! The demon of New York! The thought of a kid looking up to him was so farfetched he didn’t even know where to start! He felt Eiji move off of him, turning to him for validation that this was fucking crazy. 

“Makes sense, you’re surprisingly decent with kids.” Was all that came out of Eiji’s mouth before he leaned back down to rest against Ash. The tips of his ears flushed red and the echoes of Max’s laughter bounced around the cold room.

+=

Ash, now alone with Max, Jenkins, another correspondent from the police and Pat, wished he could go back to when they were all joking around. Now they were reading off his rights and placing a recorder down on the lap table. Pat was a stocky woman, firm in how she held herself, but an easy expression on her face. 

“Now Ash. We are here to possibly make a deal in order for you to help us by testifying against the perpetrators involved with Club Cod, and subsequently Dino Golzine. As you know, we’ve fully cleared out the place, and none of the victims are in any state to testify.” Jenkins started rattling off from his position in one of the hospital chairs. 

“Fuckin’ obviously. Could’ve told you that one.” Ash rolled his eyes, Pat gesturing for him to elaborate as he clammed up. “All the kids get drugged so bad there they don’t know up from down, Jenkins. It tends to get laced in the food scraps they give them, and they’re threatened into silence. Of course they aren’t in a state to talk - they’re scared out of their mind, and coming off a whole number of meds and sedatives even I haven't figured out.” Ash waved a hand in a shooing motion, glaring at the clock. In the minutes before they’d started Pat had told him of a few cues she would give him. One nod to let her take over, two to elaborate with details, and if her hand ever met the table to stop talking immediately. She had told him it was just in case he was spiralling, but he secretly suspected he just didn’t want him to accidentally fuck himself over. 

“We are indeed still waiting back on the test results of that particular issue.” Jenkins tapped a line on the clipboard he held, the other cop nodding and clasping his hands in front of him. “Now, for posterity’s sake, can you tell us how you ended up here? Just so we have the full story.” Jenkins pushed the recorder slightly closer to him. Ash took a deep breath. 

“So I was fine up until my brother left to go into the military, then everything went to shit. My baseball coach was a pervert, after going to the cops about it and getting no support,” Ash glanced up at Jenkins pointedly, “My dad just told me to make them pay, so I listened like any other seven-year-old. Eventually my dad’s gun ended up unattended and I took it over to his house and shot him while he was getting undressed. Cops arrest me - then the dog starts barking at his flower garden - they dig up a bunch of other kids. The town already hates me for killing their precious kid murdering little league coach,” Pat places a finger on the table and Ash pauses, rubbing his temples. “And my dad tries sending me off to his sister, and she treats me like a fragile piece of old china, so I run away.” 

“And that’s where you end up with Golzine.” The intern with Jenkins that Ash had already forgotten the name of chimed in. Ash sighed, trying his best to look as if he wasn’t thinking about jumping the gun and just forging a new ID. 

“No, he doesn’t do any of the kidnapping, he prefers to just sit and watch as the money comes in. Marvin however, was one of Golzine’s underlings and would frequent this one bar run by this guy named Frankie. Some people call him Froggie. The bar isn’t the bad part, but he brings kids upstairs with him and a few of his buddies and has his way.” Pat looked sidelong at him until he sighed. “I was trying to do what Jim had told me, make them pay. So when he told me to come up the fire escape with him for a meal, I knew it wasn’t out of his kindness. He’d take pictures and run his little side business selling them off. One of the men was Marvin, and after slipping something in the food he gave me, I woke up in a shitty motel.” 

“Is it safe to assume he assaulted you again?” Jenkins monotone filled the room. Ash nodded, simply. There wasn’t anything to say about it. Ash had learned to detach himself from all of it, to pretend it wasn’t him. It was all he really knew how to do. 

“Then y’know, after a couple months of him paying me, he sold me off to Dino, who put me in Club Cod as a prerequisite. It sucked, obviously.” Pat motioned for him to elaborate. “Do I have to explain what happened there? Do you want me to discuss how many times I’d be dressed up and sent to a special suite because I was deemed special goods because Golzine was charging these people twenty thousand a night to be with me?” Pat paused at Ash’s harsh tone, looking to Jenkins. 

“I’m sure you know of the living conditions of the children held at Club Cod, right Jenkins?” Her voice was smooth, even, confident. Jenkins looked over, nodding before sparing a quick look of sympathy towards Ash, who just bristled at the look. “Continue please.” 

“So then Golzine had the bright idea when I started to get older to instead take me to his estate so I can accompany him alone unless he specifically invited people. It wasn’t fun, obviously. He’d hire tutors after tutors who would all follow the same path as every other adult I’d had during that time period, and they all blamed me for it, because of course they did. I eventually did get a tutor who helped but that’s beside the point.” Jenkins looked at him expectantly. “He’s a russian assassin, Jenkins. You don’t want to know him.” Ash stared deadpan at the man before he shrugged. 

“And how did you end up as a gang leader?” Jenkins continued. 

“I don’t necessarily think that's pertinent information to the topic at hand, Officer Jenkins.” 

“Maybe instead of that… What did you hope to get out of being a gang leader?” The intern spoke up through the tension, breaking Ash’s glare at Jenkins. 

“Freedom, mostly. Money to pay for some personal matters. Along the way it ended up being a way to keep track of what Golzine was doing, where the Club Cod frequenters went.” Ash nodded to him, glancing at the clock. It had already been thirty minutes. “Golzine always bragged about how he was just letting me out of the cage for a little bit before he’d bring me back in. Heard about that little tidbit through a mic I planted near one of the spots he tended to come around and chat with his fellow business men.” Ash threw up air quotes, rolling his eyes. 

“And how exactly did that bring you here?” 

“Well, first off, one of Golzine’s men killed my catatonic brother, so I needed to get answers for that. Second off, Eiji kept getting kidnapped by Golzine, so I had to prevent that. Along the way I started helping Max with his investigation, and you know the rest.” Ash leaned his chin into the palm of his hand, looking around the room. Everyone had an expectant look on their face. Pat nodded once and Ash took to staring out the window. The birds were back, one of them looking into the room while the other watched it’s back, trilling at anything that moved. 

“Aslan was framed for the murder of Marvin Crosby, who actually died to another man on the police force, who also conveniently had received a generous payment wired from an overseas account that we know is connected to Golzine’s reserves.” Pat slid over a folder that Ash had looked over briefly earlier when she asked if there were any flaws. There weren’t, of course but it was better to check, she’d said. Jenkins picked it up, thumbing through it until he let out a large sigh. 

“Of course it’s Evanstine, the uptight prick.” Jenkins spared a glance at the intern as if to tell him not to let that get to H.R. “Never got along with him well, even while we were both still training.” He clicked his tongue against his teeth disapprovingly as he flipped back over the pages, reading it in earnest. “Considering he’s insofar out of my current jurisdiction, I can’t do anything about him. I trust that if the defence lawyer brings up the Marvin case this will be brought to light.” With that said, he handed the folder back to Pat, who simply slipped it back into her bag, betraying nothing. 

“And I trust that once the evidence is thoroughly investigated and proven to be true that he will be arrested for bribery.” Pat reached back into her bag, bringing out a few more folders. “It is to my understanding that we are here to make a deal?” Jenkins nodded so she continued. “This deal is so that you can have Ash testify so that you don’t have to live with the knowledge of a cover up happening under your nose, correct?” Pat sat down, crossing her legs and placing her hands atop the folders. Ash could see why Max thought he’d like her. Jenkins nodded, albeit he had the sense to look embarrassed. “These folders have evidence that proves Ash is who he says he is, that he has experienced what we have gone over with him. It’s a precaution, obviously, but one that we need in this situation, don’t you think Jenkins?” 

“Yes, that seems perfectly reasonable. I’ve already got one of my higher ups breathing down my neck about why I wanted Ash Lynx to testify, as a victim no less.” Jenkins rubbed his neck, sighing. “It is what it is.” 

“To get it on record, the information written in these files is all vital information told to me by Ash before we started this meeting.” She seemed to point at the recorder with her chin. “I would like to cross-reference it with your information while we have you here.” Jenkins simply hummed an affirmative and Pat cleared her throat. “Governor Smiles is among the accused, and he visited Club Cod a minimum of six times in the past five months.” Jenkins scanned his paper, clicking his teeth and nodding. “Kippard was also among the rapport, but he died via gun wound at an apartment complex, of which can be traced back to another offshore account belonging to a ‘James Abbot’. That alias can also be found among the records of those who visited Club Cod, along with some photographs of Kippard entering the Golzine corporation’s office building.” Pat traced her nail down the page, tapping it a few times. Jenkins motioned for the intern to look over his clipboard and the intern nodded shakily. 

That back and forth continued for longer than Ash necessarily wanted it to. He almost fell asleep a couple times, woke up by Max tapping his shoulder. He could tell Max was trying to keep up, but had at some point decided to pay attention instead to what Ash was doing. Everytime Ash would drum his fingers on his blanket with an unimpressed look, Max would struggle to not snicker. Everytime Ash would look out the window for something to look at Max would scoot in front of it, causing Ash to scowl and turn back to the other three. Eventually they seemed to think enough was enough and Jenkins coughed, Ash looking up to see him unclasp the clipboard and sort through his papers. 

“That seems well-enough, don’t you think Ms. Turner?” Pat simply nodded so he continued, turning back to the papers he held. “Now, onto the actual deal portion… All we want currently is for you, Ash, to testify against the accused in the case of the Club Cod issue. We are willing to work to a mutually beneficial deal, seeing as you don’t particularly want to associate more than you have to.” Ash didn’t so much as blink and Jenkins muttered, “Understandably so.” 

“I want my name legally changed back, for starters.” Ash spoke, his pointer finger outstretched. “The entire reason I ended up back in that hellhole was because I was blackmailed into it by Dino threatening innocent people.” Innocent person was what his mind provided, but he chose to ignore the nagging. “I would like my name changed back to Aslan Jade Callenreese. No more Ash Golzine.” Both names felt alien coming out of his mouth, but it needed to be done. There was too much baggage behind Ash Lynx, it was too recognizable. If someone searched up Aslan they’d just find shit from when he was a kid, and that was leagues better than carrying on that old meat sacks filthy name. 

“That can certainly be arranged, then.” Jenkins made a few quick notes with his pen, gesturing for Ash to continue. 

“I would also like my passport renewed with that name change.” It should’ve gone without saying, but Ash had learned not to let there be loopholes. Jenkins nodded. “I want all of my charges to be exonerated.” Jenkins looked up and Pat gestured for him to explain. “Do I have to explain this shit to you again? I know Golzine paid you guys off to get me off the hook for Marvin’s death, regardless of the fact that I was only blamed because of him, but there was other shit that was pending, wasn’t there? The whole thing with Arthur and his gang? The thing I was actually guilty of?” 

“I thought you said you didn’t want to hide behind the law?” Jenkins tapped the end of his pen against his clipboard, crossing his leg. The clock ticked. 

“I don’t want to. Still. The whole reason that happened was because I fucked up and Arthur took it out on the other gangs in the area. Y’know, Cain and Sing? They were innocent in that whole fuckin’ ordeal, and Arthur killed a few of their guys each just because he didn’t want to lose in a knife fight to me again.” Ash crossed his arms, exhaling sharply. “And because Golzine killed his sister because his clients thought she was my girlfriend when we were both fourteen. Honestly, half this shit on my record is in some way related to Golzine, and it’s fucking irrititating.” Ash leaned his head back against the stiff pillow, looking up at the ceiling tiles. Ten across, twelve forward. 

“I advised that it would be a wise choice to exonerate him before the trial in order for the accused to have less leeway in court.” Pat spoke up, her legs crossing, her hands coming forward to clasp her file as she leaned forward almost eagerly. “Seeing as they don’t know who is testifying against them, if Ash showed up without being exonerated they could abuse that to steer away from the case in point.” Jenkins sniffed loudly, glancing at the intern who seemed to jump before tapping away at his phone. 

“They say they can do it as long as you have faith in the witness.” The intern piped up after a minute of tense waiting, their voice wiry and high pitched. Pat smiled and Ash ran his eyes along the patterned walls. 

“Anything else?” Jenkins inquired, clicking his pen. 

“As long as you’re sure we can get Evanstine fired through a formal court investigation, that’s all.” Ash tapped on the lap table, his nails making a sharp noise in the room. Jenkins nodded, looking over his files once again. 

“As long as it’s brought up, an impartial team will verify any evidence.” 

“And what if they’re not impartial?”

“If they aren’t-” Jenkins pressed his lips into a thin line. “We can file for obstruction of justice if we need to.” Ash clicked his teeth, glancing at Pat, who just tilted her head slightly. It would have to do. “Now Ash, we’ll contact you sometime in the next couple weeks about anything the Judge wants you to forgo prior to the court proceedings, but as a forewarning she’ll probably want you to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist at least. It doesn’t matter where from, as long as they’re licensed alright?” Jenkins wrote a few things on his paper, handing it to Pat. 

“Fuck- Really?” Ash stared at the man as if he grew a third head. 

“They want to make sure you’re mentally able to give testimonies currently, Ash.” Pat side eyed him while writing on the paper. Ash looked back at Max, who just shrugged with a sympathetic grimace. “Go ahead and sign here.” She tapped an x next to a line as she laid the clipboard on the lap table. The pen’s ink was running out but it would have to do. 

“I’m not gonna be happy about it.” Ash slid the clipboard over to Pat again. 

“You don’t have to be.” Jenkins took it from her outstretched hand, giving a last aimed look at Ash. “See you in a couple weeks.” 

+=

“How was it Ash?” Eiji had returned after Pat and Max had cleared the room once the deal was finished. Pat had left with a confident smile, while Max had just ruffled Ash’s hair (much to his chagrin). Ash groaned dramatically, dropping his head onto Eiji’s shoulder. “It wasn’t that bad was it?” He could feel Eiji lean his cheek against the side of his head, allowing himself a moment of respite. 

“It was fine.” Ash mumbled, not bothering with moving his head. Eiji still had the knitted blanket wrapped around his shoulders and Ash could feel the fibers tickling his nose, but he refused to let anything move him now that he was here. “They agreed to change my name back to Callenreese, so at least I have that going for me.” Ash shifted to face Eiji’s neck, eyes still closed as he focussed on the warmth beneath him. 

“Your name was changed?” The warmth did nothing to stop the ice cold dart Ash felt drop to his stomach. Eiji must’ve felt him stiffen as he rushed to cover it up. “I mean! Good that you’re going back with something you like.” Ash knew he was trying to get past it, allowing Ash an out. All he felt he did was take outs when it came to this shit. 

“Dino changed my last name to his back at the tax party you guys shot up.” Ash tucked his face further into Eiji’s blanket. Maybe if he burrowed deep enough into the wollen mess, he wouldn’t have to deal with these conversations. Eiji clicked his teeth. 

“I’m glad he’s dead.” Was all he said, his voice thin as the words left his mouth. Ash hummed an agreement, bringing a hand up to brush away some of the fibers that got a bit too close to his nose. Eiji was glad Golzine was dead, Ash had known he was before, but now that it was solidified he was left with more questions than he could ever want. Did Eiji hate Golzine the same way Ash did? Or was it sympathy hate, the hatred you felt when you saw someone you were close to be hurt over and over by the same people? Was Eiji working with the same drawbacks Ash had been working with since he landed in Golzine’s custody?

“So how have you been dealing with…” Ash gestured around vaguely, “All this?” Eiji was leaning against Ash’s pillow, fiddling with the hospital blanket. He hummed, looking as if he were considering the question. The longer he took the more panic set in for Ash. 

“I’ve been going through the motions.” Eiji finally answered, acting for all purposes like the words were easy to come out. “Nightmares, paranoia, the whole lot of it.” Ash tensed and Eiji seemed to feel it, looking up from his perch. Eiji looked at his set jaw through his eyelashes, pursing his lips. “Well… You know how I told you I went to a therapist back when I got injured?” Ash nodded and Eiji smiled gently. “I might call her back and set up an appointment.” his last words were quiet, as if it was the first time he was saying them aloud. 

“Really?” Ash blinked owlishly, all the tension gone from his shoulders as he relaxed into the pillows. Eiji nodded, leaning back up to instead place his head atop his hands. Ash felt a smidge of warmth at the look he gave him before it was gone, Ash reaching for what he couldn’t reach. “Was it good the first time around?” 

“Yeah, she helped a lot with some of my grievances during the whole ordeal.” Eiji nodded, looking up as if he was remembering something before gasping. “You know how you always get irritated whenever I clean or cook like clockwork? She had suggested that bothering myself with trivial tasks could help make me feel a sense of accomplishment again. She compared cleaning a dirty stove to spotlessness with clearing one of the top bars!” Eiji laughed a little, and Ash chased the sound, wanting to keep it in his memory. Eiji had only laughed a few times in their months together, and Ash didn’t want to miss out. “She turned out to be on the right track, seeing as doing those routines and all did give me something to be proud of on a day to day basis.”

“I’m glad she helped, but was waking up your sleep deprived friend at the asscrack of dawn in her thoughts for chores you’d do?” Ash couldn’t help but tease. Eiji spluttered, crossing his arms. Ash let out a quick bark of laughter, poking Eiji’s cheek. “Hm? Did her advice tell you to put me in the shower blanket and all?” 

“Don’t be ridiculous! Of course not!” Eiji stuck out his tongue at him, chin tilted upward. After a moment, he exhaled with a melancholic smile. “I just thought that maybe if the routine helped me, it could help you.” Ash sucked in a breath. 

“I don’t think so.” 

“I don’t either. Never really did. It was just nice to have the company.” Eiji leaned back onto one hand, a pleased look on his face. Ash could admit it was also comforting having Eiji there, knowing Eiji would be there to do all of these things that he apparently enjoyed doing. It was nice to have a companion there. “And besides, we’re two different people with different backgrounds. You’d have to go to therapy to figure out what could help.”

“Absolutely not.” Ash crossed his arms, frowning. The memory of the clicking pen and the binder and the IV still stuck fresh in his mind. 

“Ash… It’s not as bad as you think.” Eiji sat up, placing a hand on Ash’s shoulder. He tried not to think about how he wanted to lean into it. “Trust me, you can always go to a different therapist if you don’t like the therapist you end up with. And it’s all about what you need to work on, what's bothering you, the whole deal.” 

“The last time I saw anyone for that kind of stuff was when I was stuck at Golzine’s estate, Eiji.” Ash knew his intentions were good, he knew, but the doctor had looked at him with pity and left, accepting the bribe money and walking out the door. He knew it was unfair, they wouldn’t have been able to do anything even if they wanted to. It still stung. “I ended up with an IV in my arm for the next three? Weeks.” 

“Ash you had an IV in your arm because you were _dying_ . You were dying because of something they diagnosed you with and then didn’t _tell you how to fix_.” Eiji’s hand gripped his shoulder tighter. “Sometimes there are bad doctors, and that is a roadblock we all have to deal with. But that doesn’t mean every professional out there is going to give you grave news and leave you to suffer” Ash scrunched up his face and Eiji swatted at his arm, a knowing look in his eye. “The people around you don’t have the answers you need, Ash.” And Ash blinked. It sounded eerily like Blanca’s warning from before, but less… harsh. Still didn’t keep a pang of guilt from dropping in his chest, though. He played it off, pouting and turning away from Eiji’s gaze, who promptly clicked his teeth. 

“Didn’t I tell you it's a damn-near guarantee that I’ll be court ordered to go to a psych anyway?” Ash tilted his head back over his shoulder to take a look at Eiji. He was still in the same position, arms crossed in mock-anger. At the words, he balked, stammering, the tips of his ears turning pink. 

“You-” He pointed a finger accusingly at Ash, as the latter turned back fully to face him. “I practiced that speech in the hallway, you dick!” Eiji looked to be about to bite off his head and Ash grinned. 

“And it was very lovely, Eiji! Very moving, honestly if I wasn’t probably going to be forced I might’ve done it of my own free will after that!” Ash patted Eiji’s shoulder, who turned away from him with his nose stuck up. 

“You’re full of shit, Callenreese!” He muttered under his breath. 

“Last name basis now, huh Eiji? Is that how it is?” 

Eiji nodded, still turned away from Ash. Ash ventured out, poking Eiji’s shoulder to try and get him to turn around. When Eiji kept up his pretenses, Ash pouted, poking him harsher. Eiji turned to look at him, pausing before he exhaled sharply out of his nose. A grin quickly replaced his put-upon frown and he leaned a bit back into Ash’s space. Ash sat back, the stiff pillow cushioning his head poorly. They both sat for a moment, letting the quiet of the room wash over them, quieting any remaining energy. Now felt like a decent time to take a nap, though Ash didn’t feel like he had a choice in the matter as his eyelids seemed to close on their own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope u enjoyed!!! have a good morning/day/afternoon/evening/night and make sure to prioritize ur health!!! :D feel free to comment w criticism or whatever ud like :]]]
> 
> (also if u skipped and want to know the basics of the deal made, ash has to testify in court against the ppl involved w cc, and in return they've agreed to legally change ash's name back to callenreese, update his passport, and remove his past charges)

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed reading so far !! have a good day/night!! drink water, eat smth or stretch if u need to!!


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